to my appearance and at work, but not the real changes I'm trying to
make. I'm working on it. It feels like I am doing what countless
therapists and meetings told me to do, but never really understood. I
am faking it until I make it.
Writing has helped so much with that. It is causing me to really think
instead of just reacting. Reading all the blogs has also helped me
understand what is missing. It helps me get out of my own head and see
when I am over thinking instead of acting. I have always been an avid
reader, and written on and off throught my life. I can look back and
see the times when I was writing poetry and a journal as the times I
was the healthiest. Those were the times I was actually dealing with
the stuff going on instead of just ignoring it. I have been using
books to escape, escape my life and my problems. Yes, sometimes
reading a book puts a little spotlight on the things I am trying to
avoid, but it is easier to brush it off. I can rationalize that it is
just fiction. That no ones life is really that perfect or
unbelievable. Blogs are different, they are real people coping with
real life as best they can.
So I am faking it until I make it. The changes to my appearance are
easier to make. They give me the ego boost that I need to make some of
the other changes. People have seen me as more approachable. It is
easier to start a conversation by complimenting someone, it shows you
really care and opens the door to more conversations. I have been
trying to make a concerted effort to say those comments to others more
instead of just thinking them.
The changes also opened my eyes to the fact that I have been wearing
my parenthood like a badge. As if by people seeing the bags and
circles under my eyes is going to prove what a great parent I am. Yes,
I am a parent, but that isn't all that I am. There is more to me then
my job, but I lost sight of that. They are important parts of my life,
but I have let them define me for too long.
I am trying to think about what I am really trying to say before I say
it. A perfect example I have heard myself say a lot in relation to
work is 'I love finding new ways to cheat.' That really isn't what I
mean, a better way to say that and closer to what I mean is 'Working
smarter not harder.' It is really finding new ways to make the system
work for me instead of the other way around. The system we converted
from was very out dated, we spent a lot of time trying to make the
system work for our business today instead of what it was 13 years
ago. Compared to what we used to do, sometimes it seems like we are
cheating because it is so easy. That just isn't something I should say
around my auditors though because it could get me into a lot of
trouble if they are new and don't understand.
Another thing I am really trying not to say is 'Boys are dumb.' This
has become my catch all for when I am frustrated or angry with Hubby
in paticular. It is a throw away comment that allows me to express
some of my feelings, but doesn't really help anything. It doesn't
really address what I am feeling, which is something I am trying to
teach my daughter to do. I can't really be mad at hubby for not
understanding why I am upset, if I can't or don't tell him and instead
just silently fume about it.
They are little changes that may not seem like much, but they are
helping me learn to be more honest with myself and others which is all
to the good.
--
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