October 23, 2009

Raw Grief

I lost my supervisor today. She passed away unexpectedly last night. They believe she went peacefully in her sleep.

Deb was more then just my supervisor. She was my friend and unofficial mentor. She was the person I always saw myself becoming when I got to her age.

She was brash, laughed and talked too loud, she lived for her daughter and granddaughter. She was more at home with technology then people, but if you became her friend she was generous to a fault.

My manager Sandie is the one who discovered something was wrong. She picks Deb up for work every morning, but Deb wasn't waiting for her in the parking lot as she always is. She didn't answer the door or phone either.

Sandie went to work hoping that Deb left her a voicemail or e-mail. She didn't. Sandie knew something was wrong. She called the police who drove over to Deb's house, but because she didn't answer the door and they didn't see anything wrong they couldn't do anything.

Sandie finally tracked down Becca, Deb's daughter. Sandie got approval from the Powers That Be to leave and pick Becca up from work so they could get into Deb's house. They discovered her in her bed.

Sandie call the Powers That Be who alerted HR. They called us all together and gave us the news. Deb who was larger then life, who didn't know how to do things in half measures, was gone.

Sandie needed to stay with Becca to help her cope and answer questions for the police.

My coping mechanism is to stay busy. I knew I would break down when I stopped running and didn't want that to be until I got home.

Without my manager and Deb someone needed to guide and coordinate the department. A few of my people were really close to Deb and were having a hard time. They dealt with their grief as much as they could for the little time that has passed in a way I wasn't allowing myself to.

HR called in a grief counselor for anyone who wanted or needed to talk.

I didn't! I was up to my neck in denial and was very happy in my river.

They made us go in groups to sit with the grief counselor to talk a little bit about what we are going through. I didn't want to talk about it! I wanted out of the room! Let me wallow in my river! Let me deal with my grief my own way!

There will be plenty of time to talk about it as a group when I am not feeling so raw.

When I turn the corner expecting to see her. Monday when I get a coffee for her out of habit. Or when I sing a song from a cartoon without realizing it and she doesn't start singing with me since she knows all of them from watching with her grand daughter. Then I will need the hugs. The pat on the shoulder, or how are you doings.

Right now, I want my river back!

She was such a core part of the department that I am sure the true impact of her passing won't be felt for a long time. It is just going to creep up on us. We are going to have a problem and she won't be there to answer our questions. Things that we took for granted in the past because she always did them, will suddenly not be done. There will be no one calling over the wall for us to get our butts in gear. Encouraging us. Guiding us.

She will be missed for those reasons and so many more. Mostly she will be missed because who she was and who she helped us become.

October 19, 2009

Line up the martinis

I have reached the eighth level of hell.

Didn't know there was eight levels? Either did I.

My department post system conversion has taken hell to a level. This is past the you have to laugh so you don't cry level. We (or at least I) reached that level getting to the conversion when we were working seventy hour weeks creating the new system and getting it ready.

Very few people have gotten comfortable with the new system which we have been on for almost three months.

We have weekly refresher trainging because I really don't expect people to remember everything. EVEN THOUGH IT IS IN THE MANUAL I CREATED FOR THAT REASON. Maybe I am just expecting too much.

We have quite a few people who have been with the company for longer then they should be. We haven't been able to suggest they might be happier at a less demanding job (greeting people or asking if they want fries or maybe just retiring like they should) because HR won't let us.

We saw the conversion as a good (acceptable to HR) way to do that since if they can't do the job on the system we've had for twenty years they won't be able to on the new system either.

Guess what? We were right.

We have yet to reach even close to the production level we had preconversion and taking time for the weekly training isn't helping. We have had a backlog of two weeks of work since the conversion.

We've tried to bring in temps to help us get caught up. I had to let the temp I was training for the last three days go because she wasn't getting it.

What is so hard about matching the numbers on one screen to the numbers on another screen? My nearly five year old could do this!

And why is it so hard to get the temp agency to understand we mean cash application. Not credit and collections, not balancing the GL, not customer service. Just matching one set of numbers to the other and hitting save!

Ok it is a little more then that, but I would settle for that at this point!

So since it has been three months, the CEO must go before the board to try to find a way to explain this. He also gets to explain that the ONE temp I was able to train (and dreamed of making permanent) gave her notice effective the end of this week for a permanent position elsewhere.

Ten minutes before that news broke, the person we brought in to replace me (so I could be promoted and find this new level of hell, because everyone else needs to be fired) gave her notice effective the end of the month.

She wants to work closer to home and have a baby. The bitch! I mean she only drives 45 minutes the hell is that!

So now instead of letting go of the people who need (and deserve) to be cut; we are losing the people who are carrying the department while I train temp after useless temp instead of doing the job I should and want to be doing.

October 16, 2009

Can you smell the justification in the air?

Disclaimer:
I am writing this as I drive home. So it may leave a little something to be desired and fraught with garbage as my phone attempts to understand my quick key taps.

I have been buffing it up as much as my very limited schedule will allow.

My buffness yesterday was as follows.

Breakfast:
1 piece wheat toast and 1 scoop of scrambled eggs with sausage.

Lunch was a 4 inch turkey sandwich with cheese from subway. 1 bottle of water (24 oz)

No snack since I am training a new temp.

Dinner:
1 small slice of cheese pizza and small fruit salad. I am not a rabbit; if I eat salad it is fruit. Bonus is that it doubles as my dessert.

Buffness:
Took the stairs (in my 3 inch heels) up and down the 4 flights when going in and out all day. Also chased my kids around the house playing tickle monster. We also played horsey for a while and they 'flew' on my legs. Flying consists of me lying on my back basically doing crunches with my legs parrallel to the ground (for my son) while they sit on my legs or feet. They go back and forth while I extended my legs out in relaxation or scrunch them in during the crunch. My daughter at 40 lbs likes to sit on my feet, so this means my legs are straight up in the air while she sits at the top. With her, the extension is from where her feet are almost on the ground in relaxation to her feet touching the ground above my head.

I don't have a gym in my town (cause I live in a corn field county) and since my time is very limited (leave for work at dark and get home when it is dark) so I must make due.

Can you tell I have gym envy? Cause I totally do!

Todays breakfast was oatmeal bar and lunch was 1 piece grilled chicken and fruit salad. No snack since training until the end of time now. Dinner will be spaghetti that I didn't make Wednesday. Buffness at work was the stairs all day and probably dance and play time with the kids tonight.

I am going to my sisters baby shower tomorrow and try to restain myself from diving face first into the cake!

Just about home now so thee is no time to respond to the very nice comment Angelia left on Wednesday or stalk others blogs so I hope your happy now. :)

October 14, 2009

Buff-Tober Update Oct 14

What is Buff tober? Go here to read about what I am doing and here to read Booshy's Buff-Tober; the orginal Buff-Tober. At Booshy's you will also be able to link to the others that took the Buff-Tober challenge.

On my To-Do-List is moving my page around so my Buff-Tober post explaining what I am doing will be on top, but that is for the weekend.

This is a mini update for today and will be updated later or completed tomorrow.

Breakfast was good. While I was waiting an hour and half for my sons perscription to be ready I went shopping. I bought some oatmeal and Oatmeal To Go bars for the days I don't have time to sit down for a real breakfast. Since today was my first day back to work since last Thursday  (yesterday is a story for another day)  today was a day I didn't have time.  So being a good monkey I ate an oatmeal bar.

Lunch is a grilled chicken breast with herb and butter rice.

As an afternoon snack because I always get hungry about 3:00 I bought more applesauce cups.

I will update about dinner (planning spaghetti) and my actual buff-ness later tonight or tomorrow.

On a side note: I wanted to share with you my inspiration/mascot for Buff-Tober.

One of my favorite websites to buy stuff I don't need is Woot. On their shirt site last Monday they had this shirt.



The title of the shirt is Exercising Demons. I need to make sure I mention the creator of this awesome shirt is Graye Smith because a creator of a t-shirt this awesome deserves all the credit he can get! It just seem to epitomize everything that Buff-Tober is for me so I took down my kids picture and instead plastered this on my desktop as a gentle reminder to get buff.

Anyway, hope you are having a good buffness day. :)

October 12, 2009

Sick Days Are Over Rated

I am a bad mommy. Today was supposed to be a fun day with the kids. I planned to take them to the apple orchard today where they could ride the ponies, pick their own apples, and just enjoy the day outside with mommy.

That is not how we are spending the day though. We are stuck in the sick house where we are driving each other crazy or I should say they are driving me crazy.

People think I am crazy for driving 70 miles to go to work; but this drive is what recharges me. This drive is an hour and half and blissful personal time and space.

When home I am beset on all sides with two kids who missed mommy so much that they must now use her as a jungle gym. A husband who wants to know when I am going to away the millions of loads of laundry he washed, what's for dinner, and by the way, you are going to give the kids a bath tonight right?

Of course we can't forget the cat who thinks she needs fresh water and food everyday. I mean really? How many unreasonable demands can one person deal with?

After four days of being home with these ungrateful and demanding heathens

I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK!

I want to go back to the place where I am constantly asked stupid questions by people who must think that my chair has springs in it. They only ask their question as my butt is about to make contact with my chair, forcing me to jump back up.

This place is not filled with crying, whining people who depend on me for their every thought. Wait, it is, but at least I am not responsible for changing their diapers or wiping their noses and that is something at least. And crazy enough, the people at work let me go to the bathroom all by myself!

The desire was also brought home to me by stepping on the scale. With Jessica's comment about being sick being a good way to lose weight ringing in my head; I put on my big girl panties and stepped on the scale.

The scale returned 125. This may not seem like a high number, but is 15 lbs above my preferred weight. A weight I haven't seen since before I was pregnant with my first kid. A weight and size I am desperate to return to.

So after four days of no sleep, cleaning up after kids again and again. And yes, putting away the millions of loads of laundry I am looking forward to returning to work tomorrow with a renewed vigor for Buff-Tober. I am renewing my promise to get buff so ladies watch out!

October 7, 2009

Buff-tober Oct 7th

How did I do today? Meh. I do feel good about my choices though.

I had a training for my department today, so again I didn't go get breakfast. I did remember to bring in some Life cereal though, so I had a handful before the training. During the training we had our quarterly fire drill so down four flights of stairs I went. Knowing I would have to report back on my buffness; I opted to walk back up the four flights of stairs. Did I mention I was in three inch heels, that gets extra points right? :)

I am starting to get a cold, so I have been sneezing and my throat is raw. With that (and my accountablity) I confined myself to my two large cups of coffee this morning, and drank a bottle of water by lunch.I forgot to bring my lunch today so I went to Boston Market. I had the turkey (no gravy), corn, and Mac and cheese. Another bottle of water to finish off the workday.

Afternoon snack instead of cheesecake, I had an applesauce cup.
I asked hubby to stop at the store for dinner tonight. Knowing my throat hurt he called me from the store and asked me what type of ice cream I wanted. I made the right choice and said none! [Mental note to self: do not send hubby to store for dinner!] he brought home chicken nugget TV dinners! Really? Are we in college? So dinner is a bust.

I did take the kids for a walk to the park though. It is half a mile away so that's a mile walk for me! Since we had the park to ourselves I also was reminded of the reason people have kids.

They get to go to the park and play and not get THE LOOK.

The look that says you are a weirdo, and don't even think about stealing their kid!


Overall I made good choices, drank lots of water, but didn't eat very well.

Oh well, that is what tomorrow is for.

Buff-Tober - October 6th

Time for my first official update on Buff-Tober:

I think I had a great day, but I will let my fellow Buff-Tobers be the judge.

It started with me not eating breakfast. How is this good you ask? Well I normally buy my breakfast in cafe at work, but today I was training so when my partner in crime asked if I was going I said no. Thinking she was being a good friend she bought me a sweetroll. I resisted it's lure all day and did not eat it!
For lunch I had a steak taco and a little bit of red rice because who can resist red rice?
I left work at my scheduled time for a change and got home just as the sun was setting. We had leftover chicken fajitas for dinner, and I did not drowned it in sour cream! Instead of my normal coffee, I had a bottle of berry flavored water which I wouldn't recommend. Normal unflavored water for me from here on out.
Since it was still early I put away 3 loads of laundry, and danced with my daughter for about 30 min. After I collapsed on the floor the kids used my legs to play horsey and to fly. Since that didn't tire them out enough and I wasn't dying, we tickled, played and used mommy as an all around jungle gym for a while.

October 6, 2009

We are now leaving stalkerdom; Welcome to Buff-Tober

I have been stalking Booshy's blog for a while now. It has worked out well; she would write crazy random stuff that would make me laugh until I cried, and she didn't know or have to be subjected to my kind of crazy. That is until she upped the ante and came up with the awesomeness that is Buff-Tober. I have reluctantly left stalkerdom and joined the Buff-Tober challenge because playing in my head isn't doing it. Besides, Booshy and the others that have taken the challenge are having such a great time, I had to join!

What is Buff-Tober? Head over to her Buff-Tober page to witness (and participate) in the greatness, or just to keep count of how many days I receive the How-Not-To-Be-Buff award. :)

My Buff-Tober goals:
  • Get out of my office, car, and house more. Barring that, at least putting down my book or phone and GETTING MY EVER WIDING BUTT MOVING!
  • Also topping the list is drinking more water. I refuse to give up my coffee because I couldn't function without it; but I can force myself to drink a little more water on a daily basis.
  • The third item is staying away from junk, and by junk I mean baked goods. I keep a bowl of candy on my desk that draws people from every department and floor of my company, but I am not tempted in the least. Show me a cake, muffin, or sweetroll in all of its cinnamon baked goodness and watch your fingers because I bite!

Losing weight, getting buff, or FITTING INTO MY CLOTHES would also be a great bonus.

Now that you have read my version, I know you are going to want to join to show off how much better you can do it. The rules are simple and as follows:

  • Give her the credit for Buff-tober
  • Start your own buff-tober page to keep track of your buffness
  • Check in with Booshy’s buff-tober page for updates and the fun wise cracks I've grown to love and drew me out of stalkerdom.
Special thanks to Kid Icarus who I stole (Um, I mean used for inspiration) the rules from.

Declaring war and other delusions of grandeur

Note: This post should have been uploaded on Saturday, but due to my craziness, it did not upload properly.


We have a room in our house that should be a formal living room. In my dreams this will be a room free of TV and toys, containing bookcases, groups of comfy chairs and low tables so when entertaining it will be a room where holding a conversation is possible. In my favorite delusion it is a quiet place to relax curled up with a book or to write. I guess a few puzzles or games can be occasionally invited in, but only if they are on their best behavior.

Those times are light years away so I spent half my day waging war on the toy room. The months of my inattentiveness when work has eaten my soul have taken their toll.

A few happy meal toys made their way into the room. As many parents know when two or more of these toys mingle for an extended period of time they tend to reproduce at a rate that would shame the most fertile rabbit.

My hope was to get all the toys out, sorted, and the carpets steam cleaned before the day was over. This was a serious undertaking because to fend off all the tantrums that I knew would inevitably take place; I did not explain to the kids what each pile was. When they weren't dragging the toys back into the toy room, they were rearranging the piles of toys.

Had the kids known what the piles were; toys such as the alphabet train Buckaroo got for Christmas that is still in its bubble wrap or the Barbie who was given a bath in a sink of chocolate milk would have suddenly become the most precious toys they own.

Even though I failed to get the carpet steam cleaned today, only half of the toys will be making the return trip after. The other half are awaiting their fate of going to the curb on garbage day or the garage sale I keep saying I will have one day. All things told, I feel like it was a successful day.