Raw Grief

I lost my supervisor today. She passed away unexpectedly last night. They believe she went peacefully in her sleep.

Deb was more then just my supervisor. She was my friend and unofficial mentor. She was the person I always saw myself becoming when I got to her age.

She was brash, laughed and talked too loud, she lived for her daughter and granddaughter. She was more at home with technology then people, but if you became her friend she was generous to a fault.

My manager Sandie is the one who discovered something was wrong. She picks Deb up for work every morning, but Deb wasn't waiting for her in the parking lot as she always is. She didn't answer the door or phone either.

Sandie went to work hoping that Deb left her a voicemail or e-mail. She didn't. Sandie knew something was wrong. She called the police who drove over to Deb's house, but because she didn't answer the door and they didn't see anything wrong they couldn't do anything.

Sandie finally tracked down Becca, Deb's daughter. Sandie got approval from the Powers That Be to leave and pick Becca up from work so they could get into Deb's house. They discovered her in her bed.

Sandie call the Powers That Be who alerted HR. They called us all together and gave us the news. Deb who was larger then life, who didn't know how to do things in half measures, was gone.

Sandie needed to stay with Becca to help her cope and answer questions for the police.

My coping mechanism is to stay busy. I knew I would break down when I stopped running and didn't want that to be until I got home.

Without my manager and Deb someone needed to guide and coordinate the department. A few of my people were really close to Deb and were having a hard time. They dealt with their grief as much as they could for the little time that has passed in a way I wasn't allowing myself to.

HR called in a grief counselor for anyone who wanted or needed to talk.

I didn't! I was up to my neck in denial and was very happy in my river.

They made us go in groups to sit with the grief counselor to talk a little bit about what we are going through. I didn't want to talk about it! I wanted out of the room! Let me wallow in my river! Let me deal with my grief my own way!

There will be plenty of time to talk about it as a group when I am not feeling so raw.

When I turn the corner expecting to see her. Monday when I get a coffee for her out of habit. Or when I sing a song from a cartoon without realizing it and she doesn't start singing with me since she knows all of them from watching with her grand daughter. Then I will need the hugs. The pat on the shoulder, or how are you doings.

Right now, I want my river back!

She was such a core part of the department that I am sure the true impact of her passing won't be felt for a long time. It is just going to creep up on us. We are going to have a problem and she won't be there to answer our questions. Things that we took for granted in the past because she always did them, will suddenly not be done. There will be no one calling over the wall for us to get our butts in gear. Encouraging us. Guiding us.

She will be missed for those reasons and so many more. Mostly she will be missed because who she was and who she helped us become.