I actually left work on time today! It is such a freak occurrence that I feel like I am getting away with something. What prompted this you ask? I am tired of the mommy guilt.
I took Buckaroo to the doctor on Tuesday for his 3 year check up which was two months late. I had to fight to get the time off work; which I will write about when I am not so damn pissed off!
I dropped Angel Cakes at Daycare like normal which led Buckaroo to think that he got a pass on Daycare for the day. Let the guilt begin as I try to explain that 'No, you don't get to stay home with Mommy after the doctor. You have to go to Daycare after the doctors so Mommy can work'.
Buckaroo did great with the doctor though. He is healthy and growing and gaining weight despite eating next to nothing on a daily basis. He took his flu shot without a sound! The doctor decided to do a blood test to check for bee allergies which required them to take a full vial of blood from his arm. Buckaroo was not happy! It is really hard to hold your child while they poke him with a needle that seemed almost as big as he is. Add that to the mommy guilt!
We drove through McDonald's for breakfast and of course it is one with a play land! 'No Honey, we can't go play. Mommy has to go to work' We got to Daycare and he cried! He was all out sobbing as I handed him to the daycare lady and left. Mommy guilt!
Wednesday night I got home at 8 PM and the kids were already fed; I got to be the good mom for a change and give them dessert! There was no fighting as we got ready for bed, they took turns reading their favorite counting story. Right after the book they laid right down for story time where I babble on about whatever adventure pops into my head for a little boy and girl. They were both asleep by 10 PM which is almost unheard of in my house. I was asleep by 10:30 and got to sleep in until 5:30 the next day since I had time to get the backpacks prepared the night before. (Another unheard of occurrence in my house.)
The next day as I was recounting what a wonderful night I had, I remembered a time back before my work took over my life and this was the norm. The norm was not fighting with my husband about how long I am gone from the house. The kids understood that we ate at the table all together, and eating in the living room only happened when we were having a picnic on rainy days. They put their toys away because the house was clean and they liked it to stay that way. They didn't have to cling to mommy when she was trying to make dinner because they knew that I as soon as I could I would take them on my lap and snuggle them until they were all done and ran off to play.The normal was not going to bed wishing that I had time to read to them before we all fell asleep on the couch watching TV. I didn't go to bed thinking 'Tomorrow I am going to be a better mommy. Tomorrow I will take the time to listen, play a game with them, and not feel like I spent the entire time I was with them yelling at them for one thing or the other.'
In that moment I decided to let go of the mommy guilt and get back to being their mommy.I know that every day is not going to be perfect, but I can at least enjoy them while they are still young enough that they have no choice about spending time with me instead of letting myself be consumed by the mommy guilt.
September 25, 2009
September 19, 2009
Week Of Stupid
This has been a week of stupid. It started with very few hours of sleep after spending all day Sunday taking the kids to see their first Cubs game at Wrigley. That was an experience. One I will not be reliving soon. After I drop the kids off at daycare at O' Dark Early I drive as fast as the county police will let me to get my first cup of nectar from the gods. One of the gas stations I pass on my way to the expressway sells great coffee. Yes, it is gas station coffee; but they use only Kona beans. And well, I live in the middle of a corn field so what can I expect. It is either gas station coffee or Starbucks which I refuse to think of as real coffee.
Wednesday morning I was so tired from having an up and down night with the kids that I drove right past the gas station and was almost 2 miles down the road before I realized it. Since I was at the ramp that would take me to my second private hell I thought really hard about just getting coffee at the Dunkin Doughnuts that is right off the expressway by work. It meant I would have to wait another hour before I could have a sip of my life's blood though. While waiting for the light to change I looked down and saw I wouldn't have enough gas to get to work and I was already running late so stopping twice was out of the question. I backtracked to my gas station, filled up the van and got the copious amounts of coffee that it takes to keep me and two of my co-workers from killing each other and went on to work. The next morning at the said gas station again getting coffee, the lady who is responsible for keeping me in coffee tells me that she forgot to charge me for the gas yesterday when she rang up my coffee. I looked at her blankly for a moment and said okay I will pay today. This is a situation that makes me glad I go to the same gas station everyday; it really would have upset me to find out that my friends at the county police station were looking for me because I had driven away without paying for the gas.
Last month at work we installed a new software to bring my department out of the dark ages and it was my job to train everyone. This required me to work an average of 50 hours a week since the beginning of the year and not take any vacation time. This week everyone in the department seems to have forgotten everything they learned and just kept asking the same stupid questions over and over again. Not just about the new system, but also about how to do their jobs. Like they haven't been working for the company 10 years or so longer then I have.
The stupidness of this week reached new heights on Friday though. Both of my children were awake when I put them in the car to take them to daycare so I was running late. Again. While putting Angel Cake's seatbelt on I mentioned that it was their last day at daycare since this is how they catagorize the days of the week. There are daycare days and family days. After my exclamation, Angel Cakes looked up at me and said, 'Is that a good thing?' My heart broke a little since I knew I would once again be working this Saturday to do the work I neglected all week because I had to hold my co-works hands.
Right after we started on the new system we realized that about 100 of our customers were converted incorrectly. It is an internal problem that would take almost as many man hours to fix. Since it is transparent to the customer we opted for an ongoing work around solution that we found instead. At about 10:30 my supervisor who helped design the new system had the brain fart of all brain farts. One of my coworkers had a question about one of the customers affected by the problem and she flipped! I can't attest to what she thought was going on with the customer, but she swore that the problem was a new problem she knew nothing about and we would have to put in all the man hours to fix it because the customers are seeing the incorrect information. She immediately starts e-mailing everyone up and down the company ladder about the problem.
No matter how many times both IT and I tried to explain that this was the same problem, the customers are not aware, and that it was okay, she refused to listen. It got to the point I was jumping up and down in the aisle between our desks, because that was going to make her see reason right? I was just at that point. We were arguing so much we scared a couple of our co-workers who promptly left the department. Almost two hours later she finally looks at me and asks, 'Am I being stupid?' I just looked at her for a minute and nearly shouted 'Yes' in relief. Her crazy moment was over and it was time for lunch.
Wednesday morning I was so tired from having an up and down night with the kids that I drove right past the gas station and was almost 2 miles down the road before I realized it. Since I was at the ramp that would take me to my second private hell I thought really hard about just getting coffee at the Dunkin Doughnuts that is right off the expressway by work. It meant I would have to wait another hour before I could have a sip of my life's blood though. While waiting for the light to change I looked down and saw I wouldn't have enough gas to get to work and I was already running late so stopping twice was out of the question. I backtracked to my gas station, filled up the van and got the copious amounts of coffee that it takes to keep me and two of my co-workers from killing each other and went on to work. The next morning at the said gas station again getting coffee, the lady who is responsible for keeping me in coffee tells me that she forgot to charge me for the gas yesterday when she rang up my coffee. I looked at her blankly for a moment and said okay I will pay today. This is a situation that makes me glad I go to the same gas station everyday; it really would have upset me to find out that my friends at the county police station were looking for me because I had driven away without paying for the gas.
Last month at work we installed a new software to bring my department out of the dark ages and it was my job to train everyone. This required me to work an average of 50 hours a week since the beginning of the year and not take any vacation time. This week everyone in the department seems to have forgotten everything they learned and just kept asking the same stupid questions over and over again. Not just about the new system, but also about how to do their jobs. Like they haven't been working for the company 10 years or so longer then I have.
The stupidness of this week reached new heights on Friday though. Both of my children were awake when I put them in the car to take them to daycare so I was running late. Again. While putting Angel Cake's seatbelt on I mentioned that it was their last day at daycare since this is how they catagorize the days of the week. There are daycare days and family days. After my exclamation, Angel Cakes looked up at me and said, 'Is that a good thing?' My heart broke a little since I knew I would once again be working this Saturday to do the work I neglected all week because I had to hold my co-works hands.
Right after we started on the new system we realized that about 100 of our customers were converted incorrectly. It is an internal problem that would take almost as many man hours to fix. Since it is transparent to the customer we opted for an ongoing work around solution that we found instead. At about 10:30 my supervisor who helped design the new system had the brain fart of all brain farts. One of my coworkers had a question about one of the customers affected by the problem and she flipped! I can't attest to what she thought was going on with the customer, but she swore that the problem was a new problem she knew nothing about and we would have to put in all the man hours to fix it because the customers are seeing the incorrect information. She immediately starts e-mailing everyone up and down the company ladder about the problem.
No matter how many times both IT and I tried to explain that this was the same problem, the customers are not aware, and that it was okay, she refused to listen. It got to the point I was jumping up and down in the aisle between our desks, because that was going to make her see reason right? I was just at that point. We were arguing so much we scared a couple of our co-workers who promptly left the department. Almost two hours later she finally looks at me and asks, 'Am I being stupid?' I just looked at her for a minute and nearly shouted 'Yes' in relief. Her crazy moment was over and it was time for lunch.
September 16, 2009
The Parent Voice
I really need to find the Parent Voice. You know the voice I am talking about; that stop you dead in your tracks voice. My Dad has that voice. Once when I stayed with my dad for a few days while visiting his side of the family it didn't matter that I was in my 20's, he lived half a continent away for most of my life, and we only saw him every few years, he spoke to a friend's child in that voice and I snapped to attention and felt guilty even though I was just drinking coffee.
I don't have that voice. I say my kids names in what I think is the Parent Voice because they are doing something wrong and not listening when I ask them to stop and they look at me like "Yeah? And?" I wish I knew where to get that voice, it might make my kids pay attention for a second anyway.
Although; the Parent Voice would probably have to fight for space with all the other voices in my head; but maybe because it is the Parent Voice it can just give The Look and make the other voices stop and pay attention. Yeah; I really need a Parent Voice.
I don't have that voice. I say my kids names in what I think is the Parent Voice because they are doing something wrong and not listening when I ask them to stop and they look at me like "Yeah? And?" I wish I knew where to get that voice, it might make my kids pay attention for a second anyway.
Although; the Parent Voice would probably have to fight for space with all the other voices in my head; but maybe because it is the Parent Voice it can just give The Look and make the other voices stop and pay attention. Yeah; I really need a Parent Voice.
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