I just realized that the posts I have been sending by email haven't been posting. Grrrr. I will post them one day this weekend.
Yesterday was my wedding anniversary and I remembered! Ok this may not seem like a bid deal but it really is. Since my first wedding anniversary it has been an issue. I thought it was the 28th instead of the 29th. My husband teased me so much about being a day early that I've made a special effort to remember.
That special effort lead me to be even more confused. It became a mental debate for me. Is it the 29th and I thought it was the 28th or is it the 30th and I thought it was the 29th.
This year I remembered correctly though and I was so proud! I got home and greeted everyone and beamed as I presented my husband with the card that I had loving purchased the day before.
And he forgot!!! My hubby who never failed to remember before, who got me a card and flowers for our day we met anniversary this year, who teased me so much he gave me a complex forgot! It was fabulous!!
It is a going joke at work that at 5:30 every night my hubby will call and ask when I am coming home. When I answer the phone he doesn't greet me or ask me about my day. Instead it is 'When are you going to be home?' He has picked up the kiddies from Daycare and then starts the countdown until when I will be home. This has been going on for months.
I finally got so aggravated with his habit of not greeting me after he did it 4 times one night in an hour and half. I mentioned it that night when I finally got home and it has been hit or miss since.
Tonight when he called he was super sweet. Asking me how month end was going and how I was feeling. Maybe he was feeling guilty about forgetting our anniversary, but it was so nice.
He then nicely asks me when I think I might be leaving. I told him it would be a while since I was in the middle of something. He tells me, 'Well I thought I would take the kids to McDonald's tonight since they were really good today. I just wanted to let you know that we weren't going to be home right away.'
My first thought was, No. You can't. You don't take them to playland, I do. I'm the fun parent. I am such a horrible wife and mother.
I should also throw in a disclaimer that this was probably the only way they were going to have dinner tonight since I haven't gone grocery shopping in about three weeks. My cupboards are bare. I think there is a package of hot dogs and a frozen pizza in the freezer, one lonely box of Mac and cheese in the pantry, and condiments and drinks in the fridge.
Since the kids and hubby are fed and there is nothing at home worth eating, I am stopping at our favorite hot dog place to get a gyros.
I haven't had a gyros in about a year, and hubby loves them so it is perfect. I get my craving taken care of, and get to remind hubby why I am the fun parent in one fell swoop.
Again, I am a horrible wife and mommy. No wonder he forgot our anniversary!
December 31, 2009
December 17, 2009
PMDD
I have pmdd and it sucks!
I was diagnosed about 10 years ago. It is horrible. Between this and my endometriosis I have horrible periods. My mood swings and cramps take pms to a whole new level. I miss work a couple of times a year because I just can't make myself to go in.
Saturday we went to my husband’s extended family Christmas party. We see these people once a year so my husband spends his time talking to his cousins and aunts and uncles he hasn't seen since the last party. It is never a lot of fun for those of us who married into the family, but this year was worse then normal. I was pmsy.
The party started fine and ended with me crying in the bathroom. It is sad when you are in a hall of almost a hundred people and feel alone. But this is what happens when my pmdd rears its ugly head.
I have only met most of these people six times, so we don't have a whole lot to talk about. I spent most of my time correcting talking to my kids. There are about 35 kids from age 1 to 19 so they can cause a lot of havoc. They also tend to run wild because their parents are too busy catching up with each other to pay attention to what their kids are doing.
I am sure I upset a few people in hubby’s immediate family. I was antisocial and pissed off at hubby. I spent half of the party typing an angry post. The rest of the party I was either crying in the bathroom or sulking not wanting to talk to anybody.
Hubby knows about the condition, but hasn't had to deal with one of my really bad times before now. My symptoms have been under control for the last several years. It seems to manifest itself more when I am tired and stressed.
Obviously I have been working too much, not eating so well as noted my attempt at buff-tober, and because I am never home, the kids want to sleep with me so I haven't been sleep well.
That Saturday I didn't sleep well, I hadn't eaten all day and we spent the afternoon running. All that created the perfect storm for my pmdd to manifest. Knowing why doesn't make it better, or any easier to deal with though.
The worst part of all this? I know I am being irrational. I just can't stop it. It is pms on steroids. One minute I am my normal happy self, the next I am throwing things, or crying hysterically. I am locked in my own head with all of these horrible feelings that I can't share. I don't want to share. And frankly I am scared to tell anyone.
I am scared that if I let someone see what is inside of me when I get like this they will know what true crazy looks like. Because in those moments I feel truly crazy. I am not in control.
I don't get violent, except throwing clothes or something soft occasionally, but I do yell. And that scares me. I know that emotional abuse is even more painful then physical abuse. It leaves no marks but causes deeper scars. So when I get like that I just shut down. I would rather internalize, instead of doing that to my hubby and kids.
But that causes a different problem. My kids don't understand why their mommy who always wants to snuggle and play is suddenly distant. That it varies from minute to minute a couple days a month but not the others.
Looking back at other posts and drafts of posts that never made it, I can see that my pmdd is getting worse. That means that the call to my doctor I have been putting off is now a top priority instead of somewhere on my to do list.
It helps to have some place to start though. Knowing that I can tell my doctor that my pmdd is getting out of control again instead of just saying I have been feeling irrational lately and don't know why makes it easier to make the call. It took an episode like I had on Saturday for me to start thinking about my pmdd. It has been under control for so long. that I don't think about it. Is this the only thing going on causing me to feel this way? I don't know. But it is a place to start.
December 3, 2009
Entranced
It just occurred to me that I haven't posted in over a week. I have been working on a couple of posts, but neither of them is finished yet.
The idea finallysmacked me up side the head came to me that if I write my posts in email I don't have to worry about them going into Draft folder purgatory. And did you know that they made it so you can post from an email!? All these new fangled things, I swear. Yes, I are smart. S-M-R-T.
Anyway, my family is in town so I have been spending all my time with them since we are rarely in the same state anymore. My mom got to town a few days before the new arrival, and will be here until the New Year, but miracles do happen and my brother, his wife, and son were also in town!
I am not a big fan of my sister-in-law. The most recent reason because they almost didn't come into town. She wasn't going to take time off work, but wouldn't let my brother make the six hour drive alone with his son. My brother may not win a father of the year award, but he loves his son more then anything. And since he is a stay at home dad, I think he is capable of making the drive without her. In the end, they did come into town and that is what really matters. My kids got to spend time with their cousin, and I got to see my brother.
I tried to make sure I was giving my nephew the attention he deserved since I only get to see him once or twice a year, but it was hard. Fighting for my attention was this sweet little bit of nothin.
I just want to nibble on his little hands.
He is the last baby of my family, so leaving that aside, and that he is my sister's child, and that I stood by her hospital bed for over three hours in three inch heels trying to bring him into the world, he is just sweetest bit of nothing I have seen since my children were born.
His mommy finally took him away from me since I wasn’t going to give him up. So I traded one sleepy boy for another. My Buckaroo fell asleep almost immediately following him climbing into my lap.
Looking at that picture, I can’t help but see glimpses of the boy and man he will become. Prior to being around my nephews, Buckaroo seemed little. Not little in the sense of height, because he is only and inch shorter then my daughter who is two years older, but little in the sense of young. Seeing him with his cousins, I was just struck by how much bigger he is both physically and emotionally.
I am a little sad to let go of the illusion of him being my baby/big boy and having to start seeing him as just a big boy. I don’t want another baby, or to keep him from growing up, it is just hard letting go of that time in our lives. I know I still have years before he will stop climbing in my lap to snuggle, years before I won’t be his comfort on the same level that his blanky is. And even after those years, I believe he will still run to greet me when I arrive home, and give me impromptu kisses and tell me he loves me; but he is grown up. He is turning into a big boy/little man.
I guess I didn’t pay as close attention to the loss of those years with my daughter because Buckaroo was born and suddenly my attention was split between the two. I had a more gradual realization with Angel Cakes. Watching her grow into herself and the person she will become has been easier because she always seemed older then her age. This is the Sassy Pants who at two told me that we needed to fix the lock on the cabinet because it was ‘dangerous’; it had ’chemicals’ in it. She said these words so effortlessly. When I look back at the pictures from when I brought Buckaroo home from the hospital, I can see what a baby she still was, but she just seemed so much older, more mature then her years.
I spent the time enjoying her and learning how to be a mom in each new phase of her life. With my son, I am more experienced and know that this is the end of those years. As much as I look forward to seeing the amazing children they will become when they enter school and later how they handle the challenges of every day life as an adult, I can’t help mourning for the passing of the baby years.
The idea finally
Anyway, my family is in town so I have been spending all my time with them since we are rarely in the same state anymore. My mom got to town a few days before the new arrival, and will be here until the New Year, but miracles do happen and my brother, his wife, and son were also in town!
I am not a big fan of my sister-in-law. The most recent reason because they almost didn't come into town. She wasn't going to take time off work, but wouldn't let my brother make the six hour drive alone with his son. My brother may not win a father of the year award, but he loves his son more then anything. And since he is a stay at home dad, I think he is capable of making the drive without her. In the end, they did come into town and that is what really matters. My kids got to spend time with their cousin, and I got to see my brother.
I tried to make sure I was giving my nephew the attention he deserved since I only get to see him once or twice a year, but it was hard. Fighting for my attention was this sweet little bit of nothin.
Brandon At One Week Old
I just want to nibble on his little hands.
Tell me you could resist!
He is the last baby of my family, so leaving that aside, and that he is my sister's child, and that I stood by her hospital bed for over three hours in three inch heels trying to bring him into the world, he is just sweetest bit of nothing I have seen since my children were born.
His mommy finally took him away from me since I wasn’t going to give him up. So I traded one sleepy boy for another. My Buckaroo fell asleep almost immediately following him climbing into my lap.
Sleeping Buckaroo
Looking at that picture, I can’t help but see glimpses of the boy and man he will become. Prior to being around my nephews, Buckaroo seemed little. Not little in the sense of height, because he is only and inch shorter then my daughter who is two years older, but little in the sense of young. Seeing him with his cousins, I was just struck by how much bigger he is both physically and emotionally.
I am a little sad to let go of the illusion of him being my baby/big boy and having to start seeing him as just a big boy. I don’t want another baby, or to keep him from growing up, it is just hard letting go of that time in our lives. I know I still have years before he will stop climbing in my lap to snuggle, years before I won’t be his comfort on the same level that his blanky is. And even after those years, I believe he will still run to greet me when I arrive home, and give me impromptu kisses and tell me he loves me; but he is grown up. He is turning into a big boy/little man.
I guess I didn’t pay as close attention to the loss of those years with my daughter because Buckaroo was born and suddenly my attention was split between the two. I had a more gradual realization with Angel Cakes. Watching her grow into herself and the person she will become has been easier because she always seemed older then her age. This is the Sassy Pants who at two told me that we needed to fix the lock on the cabinet because it was ‘dangerous’; it had ’chemicals’ in it. She said these words so effortlessly. When I look back at the pictures from when I brought Buckaroo home from the hospital, I can see what a baby she still was, but she just seemed so much older, more mature then her years.
I spent the time enjoying her and learning how to be a mom in each new phase of her life. With my son, I am more experienced and know that this is the end of those years. As much as I look forward to seeing the amazing children they will become when they enter school and later how they handle the challenges of every day life as an adult, I can’t help mourning for the passing of the baby years.
November 27, 2009
Day After
I hurt. From head to toe and everywhere in between. I feel better after the 3 hour nap my son and I had but am paying for it now. My daughter wasn't tired, so I told her she didn't have to nap as long as she had quiet time. Why did I do this? I felt like I was hungover even though I didn't anything to drink. Chalk it up to days without sleep, constant stress and running. So now I get to clean up the huge bottle
Of baby powder that she spread everywhere and played baker with.
I left my house at 6 AM Tue and didn't return until 11 PM Wed. I went to work and then straight to the hospital. They started the pitocen at 9 PM Tuesday night and I didn't leave her side until I was leaving to go home. My mom and her husband were useless.
They were upsetting and stressing her more then they were helping. I was ready to send them out of the room if they didn't stay quiet. Instead of encouraging her and telling her how good she was doing, they kept telling her that she would deliver any minute. They were telling her that for over two hours. Her pain meds had started to wear off at 8 centimeters and she wanted to push. I calmed her down and talked soothing to her and she wouldn't let go of my hand.
When it came time to push finally she was tired but came through like a champ. Her husband counted for her while I encouraged her and helped her push. It took about an hour and then her beautiful son was born.
I finally came home knowing that twenty people would arrive at my house at 2 PM. My husband did what he could, but he had the kids to deal with so there was lots left to do before I could start cooking.
My day started at 6 AM and everything was done and food was in the oven when the seven other kids decended on my house with their parents and grandparents. Just having nine kids makes for a loud house, but of the nine kids six of them were five and under.
I was kept running by making sure the food was cooking properly and everyone had everything they needed. I am sure I wasn't the best hostess, but it had been a long couple of days. I think I was entirely justified in getting a little upset a few times. I like fresh naked bread as much as anyone else, but not when you try to cut it on my counter with nothing under it! I mean fucking really!? And is it too much to ask that you occasionally pay attention to your kids? If they are shreeking at the top of their lungs and you don't say something, don't get upset when I or someone else does.
As much as I deserved, needed, and probably should have had a drink, I didn't. I was scared that without the coffee I started drinking Tuesday morning and hadn't stopped drinking since I would fall on my face in exhaustion. Everyone was shoved out the door to their respective homes by 8 PM and my house was asleep by 9.
Perversely, I am looking foward to going into work tomorrow so I can relax. I don't even mind that I will again be up at 6 AM on a Saturday to do it.
Of baby powder that she spread everywhere and played baker with.
I left my house at 6 AM Tue and didn't return until 11 PM Wed. I went to work and then straight to the hospital. They started the pitocen at 9 PM Tuesday night and I didn't leave her side until I was leaving to go home. My mom and her husband were useless.
They were upsetting and stressing her more then they were helping. I was ready to send them out of the room if they didn't stay quiet. Instead of encouraging her and telling her how good she was doing, they kept telling her that she would deliver any minute. They were telling her that for over two hours. Her pain meds had started to wear off at 8 centimeters and she wanted to push. I calmed her down and talked soothing to her and she wouldn't let go of my hand.
When it came time to push finally she was tired but came through like a champ. Her husband counted for her while I encouraged her and helped her push. It took about an hour and then her beautiful son was born.
I finally came home knowing that twenty people would arrive at my house at 2 PM. My husband did what he could, but he had the kids to deal with so there was lots left to do before I could start cooking.
My day started at 6 AM and everything was done and food was in the oven when the seven other kids decended on my house with their parents and grandparents. Just having nine kids makes for a loud house, but of the nine kids six of them were five and under.
I was kept running by making sure the food was cooking properly and everyone had everything they needed. I am sure I wasn't the best hostess, but it had been a long couple of days. I think I was entirely justified in getting a little upset a few times. I like fresh naked bread as much as anyone else, but not when you try to cut it on my counter with nothing under it! I mean fucking really!? And is it too much to ask that you occasionally pay attention to your kids? If they are shreeking at the top of their lungs and you don't say something, don't get upset when I or someone else does.
As much as I deserved, needed, and probably should have had a drink, I didn't. I was scared that without the coffee I started drinking Tuesday morning and hadn't stopped drinking since I would fall on my face in exhaustion. Everyone was shoved out the door to their respective homes by 8 PM and my house was asleep by 9.
Perversely, I am looking foward to going into work tomorrow so I can relax. I don't even mind that I will again be up at 6 AM on a Saturday to do it.
November 25, 2009
new arrival
A sweet baby boy was born at 7:39 PM. He is a little bit of nothing at 6 lbs 2 oz, but has the legs his mama doesn't at 20 and a half inches long.
Mama is tired after 22 hours, but is resting well. She did amazing! I feel honored to have been there and to give what comfort I could during such a stressful, wonderful time.
It was gut wrenching to leave my sister at the hospital but I am heading home to see my family after a long couple of days to clean and cook in preparation of having 20 people at my house tomorrow.
All I can say is that I feel trielt blessed and have more to feel thankful for then can ever be expessed.
Mama is tired after 22 hours, but is resting well. She did amazing! I feel honored to have been there and to give what comfort I could during such a stressful, wonderful time.
It was gut wrenching to leave my sister at the hospital but I am heading home to see my family after a long couple of days to clean and cook in preparation of having 20 people at my house tomorrow.
All I can say is that I feel trielt blessed and have more to feel thankful for then can ever be expessed.
Waiting
I am at the hospital waiting. My sister was induced last night so we spent the night waiting. I refused to go home with my mom and her husband because I didn't want her to be alone and I glad I stayed. I think she is glad I stayed.
So we are playing the waiting game. Waiting for her husband and mom. Waiting for her to dialate. Waiting to go change my clothes.waiting for ANYONE to show because I haven't had a cigarette in over 12 hours and I don't have a patch on!
She is at one and a half centimeters so it looks like it will be a long day. I will update later when I have news.
So we are playing the waiting game. Waiting for her husband and mom. Waiting for her to dialate. Waiting to go change my clothes.waiting for ANYONE to show because I haven't had a cigarette in over 12 hours and I don't have a patch on!
She is at one and a half centimeters so it looks like it will be a long day. I will update later when I have news.
November 22, 2009
my promise
Why did I start blogging? This is been brought home to me since I mentioned my blog to my sister in law who promptly asked to read it.
I started blogging to get out of my own head. I never intended my blog to be something I would share with my family. It was going to be a place where I could write whatever I was thinking or feeling without worrying about what people thought. I also wanted to connect with people outside of my circle of family and work. I have a few people I consider really close friends, but not a lot.
I feel like I lost the ability to connect with people outside of these areas. It was once as natural as beathing to me. I would meet someone and within an hour I knew their life story. Now I don't know how to put myself out there enough to form that bond. I feel like I come across as prickly, and hard to talk to.
What changed? I don't know. Maybe is was getting pregnant and being on restricted bedrest. Maybe it is a combination of working too many hours and driving so far that I no longer have the free time to do things and just get outside of the house.I spend my time at work running from person to person or sitting at my desk trying to do eight hours of work into the two hours of time I am left between interuptions. This doesn't leave a lot of time for socializing. When I am at home there is dinner to make, baths to give, and kids to put to bed. Hubby and I don't much chance to talk about things that aren't related to our schedules, I work too much, he has commitments with band, and the kids. This has become our life.
I am not sure if I am suffering from a different form of depression then I dealt with as a teenager, or if it is just I am too introverted. Is the depression causing me to be introverted or is it something else?
I am not a big fan of taking medication given my family history of drug and alcohol abuse, but if it will help I'll do it. I understand the science behind mental illness and that it is easy to treat with medication, that is not my issue. I have seen therapists at different times of my life, most recently when I was divorcing ex husband and believe that it can do a lot of good. I just don't know how to fit it into my already too crowded schedule.
And to be honest I am scared. I don't want to admit how screwed up my life is right now. I don't want to admit that I know I am being irrational sometimes, but I feel powerless to stop it. So I thought I would start a blog to get all of this out, to see if that helps before I call a therapist or start a medication.
But I haven't written about it. I have let my fear and insecurities stop me from using this as the outlet I intended. My need to coonect with people has given me another excuse to not put myself and all my messy icky feeling out there. People want funny and entertaining, not my fucked feelings right? Well that isn't working so I guess now I need to do the hard part and really stop lying to myself about what I need and feel. I am not going to rush to make an appointment with a therapist, but I am going to start blogging for me. To get all the crap out of my head.
I am also not going to share my blog address with my sister in law. Its not that I don't think she will understand, I think we could become really great friends if I let us. But that I am not strong enough to share that much of myself right now. So I will call her more to just hang out and blog about the things I am not willing to share with my family and friends.
I am going to hit post before I lose my nerve and delete this or regulate it to my draft file. Sorry if I offend anyone going forward.
I started blogging to get out of my own head. I never intended my blog to be something I would share with my family. It was going to be a place where I could write whatever I was thinking or feeling without worrying about what people thought. I also wanted to connect with people outside of my circle of family and work. I have a few people I consider really close friends, but not a lot.
I feel like I lost the ability to connect with people outside of these areas. It was once as natural as beathing to me. I would meet someone and within an hour I knew their life story. Now I don't know how to put myself out there enough to form that bond. I feel like I come across as prickly, and hard to talk to.
What changed? I don't know. Maybe is was getting pregnant and being on restricted bedrest. Maybe it is a combination of working too many hours and driving so far that I no longer have the free time to do things and just get outside of the house.I spend my time at work running from person to person or sitting at my desk trying to do eight hours of work into the two hours of time I am left between interuptions. This doesn't leave a lot of time for socializing. When I am at home there is dinner to make, baths to give, and kids to put to bed. Hubby and I don't much chance to talk about things that aren't related to our schedules, I work too much, he has commitments with band, and the kids. This has become our life.
I am not sure if I am suffering from a different form of depression then I dealt with as a teenager, or if it is just I am too introverted. Is the depression causing me to be introverted or is it something else?
I am not a big fan of taking medication given my family history of drug and alcohol abuse, but if it will help I'll do it. I understand the science behind mental illness and that it is easy to treat with medication, that is not my issue. I have seen therapists at different times of my life, most recently when I was divorcing ex husband and believe that it can do a lot of good. I just don't know how to fit it into my already too crowded schedule.
And to be honest I am scared. I don't want to admit how screwed up my life is right now. I don't want to admit that I know I am being irrational sometimes, but I feel powerless to stop it. So I thought I would start a blog to get all of this out, to see if that helps before I call a therapist or start a medication.
But I haven't written about it. I have let my fear and insecurities stop me from using this as the outlet I intended. My need to coonect with people has given me another excuse to not put myself and all my messy icky feeling out there. People want funny and entertaining, not my fucked feelings right? Well that isn't working so I guess now I need to do the hard part and really stop lying to myself about what I need and feel. I am not going to rush to make an appointment with a therapist, but I am going to start blogging for me. To get all the crap out of my head.
I am also not going to share my blog address with my sister in law. Its not that I don't think she will understand, I think we could become really great friends if I let us. But that I am not strong enough to share that much of myself right now. So I will call her more to just hang out and blog about the things I am not willing to share with my family and friends.
I am going to hit post before I lose my nerve and delete this or regulate it to my draft file. Sorry if I offend anyone going forward.
November 19, 2009
Happy Birthday Angel
Happy birthday sweetheart!
It has been five years since I waddled into the doctors office for our last check up. Even before you were born you refused to conform to anyones expectations. You put us on notice that any plans we made were subject to your approval. I will never forget the look on Daddy's face when the doctor said you were going to be born today instead of the following Monday as planned. It was a cross between excitement, wonder and fear. I just laid on the table freaking out for a minute. Excitement at finally seeing your beautiful face waged war against the overwhelming fear I felt. In typical Mommy fashion after my initial freak the hell out, I calmed down and waited to finally meet the wonderful baby girl who turned my world upside down and inside out.
It has been a year of many changes and you have grown so much.
I can't belive you turn five today.
It has been five years since I waddled into the doctors office for our last check up. Even before you were born you refused to conform to anyones expectations. You put us on notice that any plans we made were subject to your approval. I will never forget the look on Daddy's face when the doctor said you were going to be born today instead of the following Monday as planned. It was a cross between excitement, wonder and fear. I just laid on the table freaking out for a minute. Excitement at finally seeing your beautiful face waged war against the overwhelming fear I felt. In typical Mommy fashion after my initial freak the hell out, I calmed down and waited to finally meet the wonderful baby girl who turned my world upside down and inside out.
It has been a year of many changes and you have grown so much.
You are still my studious girl who can't wait to start school next year.
Who isn't afraid of bugs and loves anything outside.
Who does things her way! Who says you can't garden in a bathing suit?
My beautiful ballarina.
Who rides on two wheels.
You will never cease to amaze Daddy and I. We love you more then anything!
November 13, 2009
Crazy Days In Sight
Today is going to be a hard day. On my calendar is the System Conversion Recognition lunch. The lunch is the companies way of saying thank you and we will get an award to show how fabulous we are. While I do think those of us who poured our souls into it and put our lives on hold to do the project deserve it and a whole lot more, I am not sure I want to go.
This is supposed to be a celebration of all we accomplished. A way to let go of some of the tension and craziness that comes with putting thirty people in a room and working seventy hour weeks for months on end. Others rotated in and out to complete their portions or as we needed them, but for thirty of us, that room was our home. We saw more of that room and each other then we did of our homes and families.
This lunch was rescheduled due to the untimely passing of my supervisor Debbie. She was one of the thirty. She was the heart and soul of this project for my department. The last time the remaining twenty nine of us gathered it was at her funeral.
This lunch was sent out as an open invitation to anyone who worked on the project. A total of about one hundred or so of us. I just am not sure I am strong enough to go. I am not sure I can go without reliving the loss of a great friend and unofficial mentor. How will I feel when I see the others celebrating and laughing not possibly not understanding what this lunch means to those of us who worked so closely with her and still keep expecting to see her?
I keep hearing her voice in my head telling me to go, that we deserve this as she did so many times throught the project. My manager who also worked on the project will not be going. She is encouraging me to go also. If Debbie were here I would go without hesitation. I guess I just don't know if by going I am honoring or betraying her memory.
This is supposed to be a celebration of all we accomplished. A way to let go of some of the tension and craziness that comes with putting thirty people in a room and working seventy hour weeks for months on end. Others rotated in and out to complete their portions or as we needed them, but for thirty of us, that room was our home. We saw more of that room and each other then we did of our homes and families.
This lunch was rescheduled due to the untimely passing of my supervisor Debbie. She was one of the thirty. She was the heart and soul of this project for my department. The last time the remaining twenty nine of us gathered it was at her funeral.
This lunch was sent out as an open invitation to anyone who worked on the project. A total of about one hundred or so of us. I just am not sure I am strong enough to go. I am not sure I can go without reliving the loss of a great friend and unofficial mentor. How will I feel when I see the others celebrating and laughing not possibly not understanding what this lunch means to those of us who worked so closely with her and still keep expecting to see her?
I keep hearing her voice in my head telling me to go, that we deserve this as she did so many times throught the project. My manager who also worked on the project will not be going. She is encouraging me to go also. If Debbie were here I would go without hesitation. I guess I just don't know if by going I am honoring or betraying her memory.
November 11, 2009
Love Letter
Dear November,
Just when I think I am ready to end the on\off love affair we have, you give me a morning like today.
I was done with you yesterday. Not the I'm mad at you and gonna sulk until you pay attention to me done. Not the I just need to be mad for a while and then I will get over it done. Completely done!
Done with the adjustment to day light savings time. Done with your one day warm, and the next freezing. The crazy busy schedule that comes with every day another birthday or holiday. But most of all done with the fall cleaning. The cleaning that my husband feels is necessary every November because we host a birthday party and Thanksgiving just weeks apart.
Cleaning that means every inch of the house has to be taken apart and scrubbed. Not just the obvious places and things. I mean taking everything out of the cabinets, scrubbing the cabinets, washing every dish even though it was just washed the prior day before it is allowed back into the now pristine cabinet. Washing all the windows and walls!
The satisfaction that comes when we are done pales to the amount of time and energy expounded becuase within a day the toys have crept back into the family room, and the dresser drawers are a mess again from the kids pawing through them looking for clothes. I know the carpets will have to be steam cleaned again the morning of the birthday party or Thanksgiving. Not because they are dirty, but so they look just right when people arrive.
I allowed my aggrivation with cleaning, crazy schedules and stupid traffic blind me to your beauty November.
The beauty that comes when even though the trees are mostly bare, the ground is carpeted in leaves. The way the sun just coming up takes up the entire horizion as a red ball without being blinding. When fog shrouds the fields and appears to soften everything it touches.
November, I love the smell of apple pie baked with apples picked fresh from the orchard. The love and the laughter that comes when the entire family is gathered for the holidays. You may not blanket the ground in snow and make everything look pristine like December does. However, you do give us days when we wake up to frost covering our windows and the ground, but at lunchtime we can go out without a coat.
So November, my sweet November, I am not done with you. Even though I get moody and may not like you every day, I will miss you when you are gone.
Just when I think I am ready to end the on\off love affair we have, you give me a morning like today.
I was done with you yesterday. Not the I'm mad at you and gonna sulk until you pay attention to me done. Not the I just need to be mad for a while and then I will get over it done. Completely done!
Done with the adjustment to day light savings time. Done with your one day warm, and the next freezing. The crazy busy schedule that comes with every day another birthday or holiday. But most of all done with the fall cleaning. The cleaning that my husband feels is necessary every November because we host a birthday party and Thanksgiving just weeks apart.
Cleaning that means every inch of the house has to be taken apart and scrubbed. Not just the obvious places and things. I mean taking everything out of the cabinets, scrubbing the cabinets, washing every dish even though it was just washed the prior day before it is allowed back into the now pristine cabinet. Washing all the windows and walls!
The satisfaction that comes when we are done pales to the amount of time and energy expounded becuase within a day the toys have crept back into the family room, and the dresser drawers are a mess again from the kids pawing through them looking for clothes. I know the carpets will have to be steam cleaned again the morning of the birthday party or Thanksgiving. Not because they are dirty, but so they look just right when people arrive.
I allowed my aggrivation with cleaning, crazy schedules and stupid traffic blind me to your beauty November.
The beauty that comes when even though the trees are mostly bare, the ground is carpeted in leaves. The way the sun just coming up takes up the entire horizion as a red ball without being blinding. When fog shrouds the fields and appears to soften everything it touches.
November, I love the smell of apple pie baked with apples picked fresh from the orchard. The love and the laughter that comes when the entire family is gathered for the holidays. You may not blanket the ground in snow and make everything look pristine like December does. However, you do give us days when we wake up to frost covering our windows and the ground, but at lunchtime we can go out without a coat.
So November, my sweet November, I am not done with you. Even though I get moody and may not like you every day, I will miss you when you are gone.
November 9, 2009
Boys Are Dumb!
My husband drove my van this weekend.
I HATE when he drives my van!!!!!
I know we only bought the damn thing because he needed something he so he can transport all of his equipment to shows and back; but I still hate it. I will spend the next week getting everything back the way it was. He is only 5 inches taller then I am, which is enough to mess up everything.
I had it easy with my ex husband. He was over a foot taller then me so other then pushing the seat all the way back, he just flipped the rearview mirror up. As in flipping the little switch thing that you do when someones lights are blinding you. He didn't mess with anything else.
Current husband is not content with that. He moves everything! Not just the rearview and side mirrors, the seat is moved and tilted back. He adjusts the steering wheel, moves my arm rest, and changes my radio station! Because that is not enough aggrevation, he also moves my stuff. By stuff I mean my laptop bag, my coffee carrier, sunglasses etc. I keep my stuff organized in such a way that I can grab it driving 85 while reading my messages without taking my eyes off the road and my phone.
Doesn't he know he is going to cause me to have an accident! Does he care? No! He thinks I should be keeping my eyes on the road to look out for cows. It was only one cow, one time! No, I didn't hit a cow, or any other animal, but I did have to avoid a cow in the road once. You learn to expect things like this when you live in a cornfield.
To add insult to injury he left the van on E. It is 10 miles to the nearest gas station and after I pull out of my driveway the gas light came on. Really!? He must have past 15 gas stations on his way home, but does he stop at one? No! Instead I drive to the gas station hoping I don't run out of gas and end up stranded on a country road with only cows and chickens to keep me company.
Why? Because Boys Are Dumb! My now 5 year old daughter once said this a few year ago and my sister and I latched onto it and use it for anything boy related. My hubby accepts this as his fate in life and doesn't fight it too much around my daughter. He is happy that she thinks boys are dumb. He would like to encourage her to think this way until she is at least 30 and out of his house.
We'll see how well that works out for him. After all she is my daughter so, God help the boys.
I HATE when he drives my van!!!!!
I know we only bought the damn thing because he needed something he so he can transport all of his equipment to shows and back; but I still hate it. I will spend the next week getting everything back the way it was. He is only 5 inches taller then I am, which is enough to mess up everything.
I had it easy with my ex husband. He was over a foot taller then me so other then pushing the seat all the way back, he just flipped the rearview mirror up. As in flipping the little switch thing that you do when someones lights are blinding you. He didn't mess with anything else.
Current husband is not content with that. He moves everything! Not just the rearview and side mirrors, the seat is moved and tilted back. He adjusts the steering wheel, moves my arm rest, and changes my radio station! Because that is not enough aggrevation, he also moves my stuff. By stuff I mean my laptop bag, my coffee carrier, sunglasses etc. I keep my stuff organized in such a way that I can grab it driving 85 while reading my messages without taking my eyes off the road and my phone.
Doesn't he know he is going to cause me to have an accident! Does he care? No! He thinks I should be keeping my eyes on the road to look out for cows. It was only one cow, one time! No, I didn't hit a cow, or any other animal, but I did have to avoid a cow in the road once. You learn to expect things like this when you live in a cornfield.
To add insult to injury he left the van on E. It is 10 miles to the nearest gas station and after I pull out of my driveway the gas light came on. Really!? He must have past 15 gas stations on his way home, but does he stop at one? No! Instead I drive to the gas station hoping I don't run out of gas and end up stranded on a country road with only cows and chickens to keep me company.
Why? Because Boys Are Dumb! My now 5 year old daughter once said this a few year ago and my sister and I latched onto it and use it for anything boy related. My hubby accepts this as his fate in life and doesn't fight it too much around my daughter. He is happy that she thinks boys are dumb. He would like to encourage her to think this way until she is at least 30 and out of his house.
We'll see how well that works out for him. After all she is my daughter so, God help the boys.
November 6, 2009
More Bitching About Work; But Help Needed
I swear my boss is unmedicated bipolar. I can't think of another way to understand or explain her behavior. Everyone in the department has come to understand she has her moods.
One day she will love you and be your best friend, the next it feels like if you ask her about how the traffic was the night before because we stayed very late you are bothering her.
One day she will micro manage to the Nth degree, and want to be consulted on everything, and others, well you know your job so just do it.
Her idea for the direction of the department and expectations of us also change daily.
Monday night she told me that another associate would start taking responsibility for training the temps we are bringing in because I have too much on my plate to and she wants to train me on other things. I celebrated! Its not that I mind trainging, but I do have other things to do.
Tuesday morning with no explaination she tells me that starting Wednesday I would be training the new temp we interviewed and three people from another department that will be helping us get caught up. WTF?
I understand she is under a lot of pressure, and losing Debbie was a huge blow to her both professionally and personally.
Debbie was the one person pretty current on all things system related. I have found a lot of things that I shared with Debbie and the department to make the departments daily jobs easier. Sandie was too busy to learn and that is what she had Debbie for.
Sandie and I both tested everything on the system before the conversion and haven't done half of the things again since the conversion. Like it happens with every system converstion, things have changed. Since Debbie passed, she needs to know these things and has said as much.
We are being audited full scale for the first time on the new system. She needs to know the ins and outs of getting the information since I am busy training and can't devote my time and attention to this as I normally would. During the quarterly audits I drop everything and work exclusively with the auditors. Because I am training I can't this time and she has assumed this responsibility.
Since I am the one that wrote the manuals for all our jobs, I understand I am a logical choice to do the trainging for the new temps. I also understand that I am a logical choice to train as her back up since Debbie is gone. But I can't do both at the same time!
Knowing these things weigh heavy on her, knowing our schedules, and that we both normally eat lunch at our desks, I suggested we do a couple working lunches to share and pool our knoweledge. You would think I asked for her first born. Although, she would probably give him and his bills willingly.
How can the department function like this? Not well I can tell you. The associates don't know which way to turn because it changes from moment to moment. So they turn to me. I don't have as much time as I would like to help them within the confines of my job and It also puts me in the uncomfortable position between her and the department. Which I don't want and isn't helpful or healthy for any of us.
How do I address this with her when she reacts so badly to a friendly invitation to a working lunch? I hold her in very high regard and like her both professionally and personally, but something has got to give!
Any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated. It feels like the department is coming apart at the seams and I am out of ways to patch the holes.
One day she will love you and be your best friend, the next it feels like if you ask her about how the traffic was the night before because we stayed very late you are bothering her.
One day she will micro manage to the Nth degree, and want to be consulted on everything, and others, well you know your job so just do it.
Her idea for the direction of the department and expectations of us also change daily.
Monday night she told me that another associate would start taking responsibility for training the temps we are bringing in because I have too much on my plate to and she wants to train me on other things. I celebrated! Its not that I mind trainging, but I do have other things to do.
Tuesday morning with no explaination she tells me that starting Wednesday I would be training the new temp we interviewed and three people from another department that will be helping us get caught up. WTF?
I understand she is under a lot of pressure, and losing Debbie was a huge blow to her both professionally and personally.
Debbie was the one person pretty current on all things system related. I have found a lot of things that I shared with Debbie and the department to make the departments daily jobs easier. Sandie was too busy to learn and that is what she had Debbie for.
Sandie and I both tested everything on the system before the conversion and haven't done half of the things again since the conversion. Like it happens with every system converstion, things have changed. Since Debbie passed, she needs to know these things and has said as much.
We are being audited full scale for the first time on the new system. She needs to know the ins and outs of getting the information since I am busy training and can't devote my time and attention to this as I normally would. During the quarterly audits I drop everything and work exclusively with the auditors. Because I am training I can't this time and she has assumed this responsibility.
Since I am the one that wrote the manuals for all our jobs, I understand I am a logical choice to do the trainging for the new temps. I also understand that I am a logical choice to train as her back up since Debbie is gone. But I can't do both at the same time!
Knowing these things weigh heavy on her, knowing our schedules, and that we both normally eat lunch at our desks, I suggested we do a couple working lunches to share and pool our knoweledge. You would think I asked for her first born. Although, she would probably give him and his bills willingly.
How can the department function like this? Not well I can tell you. The associates don't know which way to turn because it changes from moment to moment. So they turn to me. I don't have as much time as I would like to help them within the confines of my job and It also puts me in the uncomfortable position between her and the department. Which I don't want and isn't helpful or healthy for any of us.
How do I address this with her when she reacts so badly to a friendly invitation to a working lunch? I hold her in very high regard and like her both professionally and personally, but something has got to give!
Any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated. It feels like the department is coming apart at the seams and I am out of ways to patch the holes.
November 4, 2009
Stalking Is So Much More Satisfying
I am a bad blogger. I think that is obvious by the few posts that I have managed to put here. I don't post and when I do they are ramblings boring posts mostly about work.
I have come to accept this as my fate. It isn't that I don't want to post or have no ideas about what to post, I can just never manage to actually post them. My draft folder is full of half written posts that never get finished and posted.
I added another one to my draft folder last night. I decided to take a break to gather my thoughts so my post would less like incoherent ramblings and more like a post I think someone would want to read. So I decided to stalk my favorite blogs and found this! (A link to Booshy's blog will be inserted here)
I had to stop the post I was writing and contemplate this one instead.
This post is diected at all of you bloggers that think everyone should be involved in their blogs. I am talking to you Booshy, and Sassy Britches, and Finding Fairy Tales. (links will be put up when I have two seconds uninterrupted on a regular computer)
They come up with these ideas (ok really great ideas) to get everyone to play along. I give you Buff-Tober, Things I Want Thursdays, Radomn Thought Tuesday as a few examples.
I mean what the hell?! Do you really think we want to be a part of your little blog community? Do you think we read your blogs to feel a little less crazy and a little more connected?
Ok so we totally do, but not all of us have the time or self dicipline to do these things on a regular basis.
So instead of devoting my hour and a half drive to work to getting out of my head for a while and stalking other blogs, I end up typing away with one thumb on my blackberry. Writing rambling posts that I never finish, and because I suck and don't have time, never finish and post later.
Ok the never finishing later part is because I haven't taken the time to truely set up my Blackberry (as in connect it to a real computy and learn more then the basics about it even though I got it in February). So even though I can view my draft folder, when I try to edit a post the damn thing never works.
So for all of you whose blogs I stalk and occasionally reply to, stop it! Stop being so damn awesome and coming up with these great ideas to get everyone involved. Don't you know that every time you do these things you make us stalkers\lurkers feel inferior and we don't want to comment because you would then have a link to our pathetic little blogs and would know how much we suck? So again, I say stop it! I don't have time to be as awesome as you!
Hugs and kisses,
Your Number One Stalker
I have come to accept this as my fate. It isn't that I don't want to post or have no ideas about what to post, I can just never manage to actually post them. My draft folder is full of half written posts that never get finished and posted.
I added another one to my draft folder last night. I decided to take a break to gather my thoughts so my post would less like incoherent ramblings and more like a post I think someone would want to read. So I decided to stalk my favorite blogs and found this! (A link to Booshy's blog will be inserted here)
I had to stop the post I was writing and contemplate this one instead.
This post is diected at all of you bloggers that think everyone should be involved in their blogs. I am talking to you Booshy, and Sassy Britches, and Finding Fairy Tales. (links will be put up when I have two seconds uninterrupted on a regular computer)
They come up with these ideas (ok really great ideas) to get everyone to play along. I give you Buff-Tober, Things I Want Thursdays, Radomn Thought Tuesday as a few examples.
I mean what the hell?! Do you really think we want to be a part of your little blog community? Do you think we read your blogs to feel a little less crazy and a little more connected?
Ok so we totally do, but not all of us have the time or self dicipline to do these things on a regular basis.
So instead of devoting my hour and a half drive to work to getting out of my head for a while and stalking other blogs, I end up typing away with one thumb on my blackberry. Writing rambling posts that I never finish, and because I suck and don't have time, never finish and post later.
Ok the never finishing later part is because I haven't taken the time to truely set up my Blackberry (as in connect it to a real computy and learn more then the basics about it even though I got it in February). So even though I can view my draft folder, when I try to edit a post the damn thing never works.
So for all of you whose blogs I stalk and occasionally reply to, stop it! Stop being so damn awesome and coming up with these great ideas to get everyone involved. Don't you know that every time you do these things you make us stalkers\lurkers feel inferior and we don't want to comment because you would then have a link to our pathetic little blogs and would know how much we suck? So again, I say stop it! I don't have time to be as awesome as you!
Hugs and kisses,
Your Number One Stalker
October 23, 2009
Raw Grief
I lost my supervisor today. She passed away unexpectedly last night. They believe she went peacefully in her sleep.
Deb was more then just my supervisor. She was my friend and unofficial mentor. She was the person I always saw myself becoming when I got to her age.
She was brash, laughed and talked too loud, she lived for her daughter and granddaughter. She was more at home with technology then people, but if you became her friend she was generous to a fault.
My manager Sandie is the one who discovered something was wrong. She picks Deb up for work every morning, but Deb wasn't waiting for her in the parking lot as she always is. She didn't answer the door or phone either.
Sandie went to work hoping that Deb left her a voicemail or e-mail. She didn't. Sandie knew something was wrong. She called the police who drove over to Deb's house, but because she didn't answer the door and they didn't see anything wrong they couldn't do anything.
Sandie finally tracked down Becca, Deb's daughter. Sandie got approval from the Powers That Be to leave and pick Becca up from work so they could get into Deb's house. They discovered her in her bed.
Sandie call the Powers That Be who alerted HR. They called us all together and gave us the news. Deb who was larger then life, who didn't know how to do things in half measures, was gone.
Sandie needed to stay with Becca to help her cope and answer questions for the police.
My coping mechanism is to stay busy. I knew I would break down when I stopped running and didn't want that to be until I got home.
Without my manager and Deb someone needed to guide and coordinate the department. A few of my people were really close to Deb and were having a hard time. They dealt with their grief as much as they could for the little time that has passed in a way I wasn't allowing myself to.
HR called in a grief counselor for anyone who wanted or needed to talk.
I didn't! I was up to my neck in denial and was very happy in my river.
They made us go in groups to sit with the grief counselor to talk a little bit about what we are going through. I didn't want to talk about it! I wanted out of the room! Let me wallow in my river! Let me deal with my grief my own way!
There will be plenty of time to talk about it as a group when I am not feeling so raw.
When I turn the corner expecting to see her. Monday when I get a coffee for her out of habit. Or when I sing a song from a cartoon without realizing it and she doesn't start singing with me since she knows all of them from watching with her grand daughter. Then I will need the hugs. The pat on the shoulder, or how are you doings.
Right now, I want my river back!
She was such a core part of the department that I am sure the true impact of her passing won't be felt for a long time. It is just going to creep up on us. We are going to have a problem and she won't be there to answer our questions. Things that we took for granted in the past because she always did them, will suddenly not be done. There will be no one calling over the wall for us to get our butts in gear. Encouraging us. Guiding us.
She will be missed for those reasons and so many more. Mostly she will be missed because who she was and who she helped us become.
Deb was more then just my supervisor. She was my friend and unofficial mentor. She was the person I always saw myself becoming when I got to her age.
She was brash, laughed and talked too loud, she lived for her daughter and granddaughter. She was more at home with technology then people, but if you became her friend she was generous to a fault.
My manager Sandie is the one who discovered something was wrong. She picks Deb up for work every morning, but Deb wasn't waiting for her in the parking lot as she always is. She didn't answer the door or phone either.
Sandie went to work hoping that Deb left her a voicemail or e-mail. She didn't. Sandie knew something was wrong. She called the police who drove over to Deb's house, but because she didn't answer the door and they didn't see anything wrong they couldn't do anything.
Sandie finally tracked down Becca, Deb's daughter. Sandie got approval from the Powers That Be to leave and pick Becca up from work so they could get into Deb's house. They discovered her in her bed.
Sandie call the Powers That Be who alerted HR. They called us all together and gave us the news. Deb who was larger then life, who didn't know how to do things in half measures, was gone.
Sandie needed to stay with Becca to help her cope and answer questions for the police.
My coping mechanism is to stay busy. I knew I would break down when I stopped running and didn't want that to be until I got home.
Without my manager and Deb someone needed to guide and coordinate the department. A few of my people were really close to Deb and were having a hard time. They dealt with their grief as much as they could for the little time that has passed in a way I wasn't allowing myself to.
HR called in a grief counselor for anyone who wanted or needed to talk.
I didn't! I was up to my neck in denial and was very happy in my river.
They made us go in groups to sit with the grief counselor to talk a little bit about what we are going through. I didn't want to talk about it! I wanted out of the room! Let me wallow in my river! Let me deal with my grief my own way!
There will be plenty of time to talk about it as a group when I am not feeling so raw.
When I turn the corner expecting to see her. Monday when I get a coffee for her out of habit. Or when I sing a song from a cartoon without realizing it and she doesn't start singing with me since she knows all of them from watching with her grand daughter. Then I will need the hugs. The pat on the shoulder, or how are you doings.
Right now, I want my river back!
She was such a core part of the department that I am sure the true impact of her passing won't be felt for a long time. It is just going to creep up on us. We are going to have a problem and she won't be there to answer our questions. Things that we took for granted in the past because she always did them, will suddenly not be done. There will be no one calling over the wall for us to get our butts in gear. Encouraging us. Guiding us.
She will be missed for those reasons and so many more. Mostly she will be missed because who she was and who she helped us become.
October 19, 2009
Line up the martinis
I have reached the eighth level of hell.
Didn't know there was eight levels? Either did I.
My department post system conversion has taken hell to a level. This is past the you have to laugh so you don't cry level. We (or at least I) reached that level getting to the conversion when we were working seventy hour weeks creating the new system and getting it ready.
Very few people have gotten comfortable with the new system which we have been on for almost three months.
We have weekly refresher trainging because I really don't expect people to remember everything. EVEN THOUGH IT IS IN THE MANUAL I CREATED FOR THAT REASON. Maybe I am just expecting too much.
We have quite a few people who have been with the company for longer then they should be. We haven't been able to suggest they might be happier at a less demanding job (greeting people or asking if they want fries or maybe just retiring like they should) because HR won't let us.
We saw the conversion as a good (acceptable to HR) way to do that since if they can't do the job on the system we've had for twenty years they won't be able to on the new system either.
Guess what? We were right.
We have yet to reach even close to the production level we had preconversion and taking time for the weekly training isn't helping. We have had a backlog of two weeks of work since the conversion.
We've tried to bring in temps to help us get caught up. I had to let the temp I was training for the last three days go because she wasn't getting it.
What is so hard about matching the numbers on one screen to the numbers on another screen? My nearly five year old could do this!
And why is it so hard to get the temp agency to understand we mean cash application. Not credit and collections, not balancing the GL, not customer service. Just matching one set of numbers to the other and hitting save!
Ok it is a little more then that, but I would settle for that at this point!
So since it has been three months, the CEO must go before the board to try to find a way to explain this. He also gets to explain that the ONE temp I was able to train (and dreamed of making permanent) gave her notice effective the end of this week for a permanent position elsewhere.
Ten minutes before that news broke, the person we brought in to replace me (so I could be promoted and find this new level of hell, because everyone else needs to be fired) gave her notice effective the end of the month.
She wants to work closer to home and have a baby. The bitch! I mean she only drives 45 minutes the hell is that!
So now instead of letting go of the people who need (and deserve) to be cut; we are losing the people who are carrying the department while I train temp after useless temp instead of doing the job I should and want to be doing.
Didn't know there was eight levels? Either did I.
My department post system conversion has taken hell to a level. This is past the you have to laugh so you don't cry level. We (or at least I) reached that level getting to the conversion when we were working seventy hour weeks creating the new system and getting it ready.
Very few people have gotten comfortable with the new system which we have been on for almost three months.
We have weekly refresher trainging because I really don't expect people to remember everything. EVEN THOUGH IT IS IN THE MANUAL I CREATED FOR THAT REASON. Maybe I am just expecting too much.
We have quite a few people who have been with the company for longer then they should be. We haven't been able to suggest they might be happier at a less demanding job (greeting people or asking if they want fries or maybe just retiring like they should) because HR won't let us.
We saw the conversion as a good (acceptable to HR) way to do that since if they can't do the job on the system we've had for twenty years they won't be able to on the new system either.
Guess what? We were right.
We have yet to reach even close to the production level we had preconversion and taking time for the weekly training isn't helping. We have had a backlog of two weeks of work since the conversion.
We've tried to bring in temps to help us get caught up. I had to let the temp I was training for the last three days go because she wasn't getting it.
What is so hard about matching the numbers on one screen to the numbers on another screen? My nearly five year old could do this!
And why is it so hard to get the temp agency to understand we mean cash application. Not credit and collections, not balancing the GL, not customer service. Just matching one set of numbers to the other and hitting save!
Ok it is a little more then that, but I would settle for that at this point!
So since it has been three months, the CEO must go before the board to try to find a way to explain this. He also gets to explain that the ONE temp I was able to train (and dreamed of making permanent) gave her notice effective the end of this week for a permanent position elsewhere.
Ten minutes before that news broke, the person we brought in to replace me (so I could be promoted and find this new level of hell, because everyone else needs to be fired) gave her notice effective the end of the month.
She wants to work closer to home and have a baby. The bitch! I mean she only drives 45 minutes the hell is that!
So now instead of letting go of the people who need (and deserve) to be cut; we are losing the people who are carrying the department while I train temp after useless temp instead of doing the job I should and want to be doing.
October 16, 2009
Can you smell the justification in the air?
Disclaimer:
I am writing this as I drive home. So it may leave a little something to be desired and fraught with garbage as my phone attempts to understand my quick key taps.
I have been buffing it up as much as my very limited schedule will allow.
My buffness yesterday was as follows.
Breakfast:
1 piece wheat toast and 1 scoop of scrambled eggs with sausage.
Lunch was a 4 inch turkey sandwich with cheese from subway. 1 bottle of water (24 oz)
No snack since I am training a new temp.
Dinner:
1 small slice of cheese pizza and small fruit salad. I am not a rabbit; if I eat salad it is fruit. Bonus is that it doubles as my dessert.
Buffness:
Took the stairs (in my 3 inch heels) up and down the 4 flights when going in and out all day. Also chased my kids around the house playing tickle monster. We also played horsey for a while and they 'flew' on my legs. Flying consists of me lying on my back basically doing crunches with my legs parrallel to the ground (for my son) while they sit on my legs or feet. They go back and forth while I extended my legs out in relaxation or scrunch them in during the crunch. My daughter at 40 lbs likes to sit on my feet, so this means my legs are straight up in the air while she sits at the top. With her, the extension is from where her feet are almost on the ground in relaxation to her feet touching the ground above my head.
I don't have a gym in my town (cause I live in a corn field county) and since my time is very limited (leave for work at dark and get home when it is dark) so I must make due.
Can you tell I have gym envy? Cause I totally do!
Todays breakfast was oatmeal bar and lunch was 1 piece grilled chicken and fruit salad. No snack since training until the end of time now. Dinner will be spaghetti that I didn't make Wednesday. Buffness at work was the stairs all day and probably dance and play time with the kids tonight.
I am going to my sisters baby shower tomorrow and try to restain myself from diving face first into the cake!
Just about home now so thee is no time to respond to the very nice comment Angelia left on Wednesday or stalk others blogs so I hope your happy now. :)
I am writing this as I drive home. So it may leave a little something to be desired and fraught with garbage as my phone attempts to understand my quick key taps.
I have been buffing it up as much as my very limited schedule will allow.
My buffness yesterday was as follows.
Breakfast:
1 piece wheat toast and 1 scoop of scrambled eggs with sausage.
Lunch was a 4 inch turkey sandwich with cheese from subway. 1 bottle of water (24 oz)
No snack since I am training a new temp.
Dinner:
1 small slice of cheese pizza and small fruit salad. I am not a rabbit; if I eat salad it is fruit. Bonus is that it doubles as my dessert.
Buffness:
Took the stairs (in my 3 inch heels) up and down the 4 flights when going in and out all day. Also chased my kids around the house playing tickle monster. We also played horsey for a while and they 'flew' on my legs. Flying consists of me lying on my back basically doing crunches with my legs parrallel to the ground (for my son) while they sit on my legs or feet. They go back and forth while I extended my legs out in relaxation or scrunch them in during the crunch. My daughter at 40 lbs likes to sit on my feet, so this means my legs are straight up in the air while she sits at the top. With her, the extension is from where her feet are almost on the ground in relaxation to her feet touching the ground above my head.
I don't have a gym in my town (cause I live in a corn field county) and since my time is very limited (leave for work at dark and get home when it is dark) so I must make due.
Can you tell I have gym envy? Cause I totally do!
Todays breakfast was oatmeal bar and lunch was 1 piece grilled chicken and fruit salad. No snack since training until the end of time now. Dinner will be spaghetti that I didn't make Wednesday. Buffness at work was the stairs all day and probably dance and play time with the kids tonight.
I am going to my sisters baby shower tomorrow and try to restain myself from diving face first into the cake!
Just about home now so thee is no time to respond to the very nice comment Angelia left on Wednesday or stalk others blogs so I hope your happy now. :)
October 14, 2009
Buff-Tober Update Oct 14
What is Buff tober? Go here to read about what I am doing and here to read Booshy's Buff-Tober; the orginal Buff-Tober. At Booshy's you will also be able to link to the others that took the Buff-Tober challenge.
On my To-Do-List is moving my page around so my Buff-Tober post explaining what I am doing will be on top, but that is for the weekend.
This is a mini update for today and will be updated later or completed tomorrow.
Breakfast was good. While I was waiting an hour and half for my sons perscription to be ready I went shopping. I bought some oatmeal and Oatmeal To Go bars for the days I don't have time to sit down for a real breakfast. Since today was my first day back to work since last Thursday (yesterday is a story for another day) today was a day I didn't have time. So being a good monkey I ate an oatmeal bar.
Lunch is a grilled chicken breast with herb and butter rice.
As an afternoon snack because I always get hungry about 3:00 I bought more applesauce cups.
I will update about dinner (planning spaghetti) and my actual buff-ness later tonight or tomorrow.
Lunch is a grilled chicken breast with herb and butter rice.
As an afternoon snack because I always get hungry about 3:00 I bought more applesauce cups.
I will update about dinner (planning spaghetti) and my actual buff-ness later tonight or tomorrow.
On a side note: I wanted to share with you my inspiration/mascot for Buff-Tober.
One of my favorite websites to buy stuff I don't need is Woot. On their shirt site last Monday they had this shirt.
The title of the shirt is Exercising Demons. I need to make sure I mention the creator of this awesome shirt is Graye Smith because a creator of a t-shirt this awesome deserves all the credit he can get! It just seem to epitomize everything that Buff-Tober is for me so I took down my kids picture and instead plastered this on my desktop as a gentle reminder to get buff.
Anyway, hope you are having a good buffness day. :)
October 12, 2009
Sick Days Are Over Rated
I am a bad mommy. Today was supposed to be a fun day with the kids. I planned to take them to the apple orchard today where they could ride the ponies, pick their own apples, and just enjoy the day outside with mommy.
That is not how we are spending the day though. We are stuck in the sick house where we are driving each other crazy or I should say they are driving me crazy.
People think I am crazy for driving 70 miles to go to work; but this drive is what recharges me. This drive is an hour and half and blissful personal time and space.
When home I am beset on all sides with two kids who missed mommy so much that they must now use her as a jungle gym. A husband who wants to know when I am going to away the millions of loads of laundry he washed, what's for dinner, and by the way, you are going to give the kids a bath tonight right?
Of course we can't forget the cat who thinks she needs fresh water and food everyday. I mean really? How many unreasonable demands can one person deal with?
After four days of being home with these ungrateful and demanding heathens
I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK!
I want to go back to the place where I am constantly asked stupid questions by people who must think that my chair has springs in it. They only ask their question as my butt is about to make contact with my chair, forcing me to jump back up.
This place is not filled with crying, whining people who depend on me for their every thought. Wait, it is, but at least I am not responsible for changing their diapers or wiping their noses and that is something at least. And crazy enough, the people at work let me go to the bathroom all by myself!
The desire was also brought home to me by stepping on the scale. With Jessica's comment about being sick being a good way to lose weight ringing in my head; I put on my big girl panties and stepped on the scale.
The scale returned 125. This may not seem like a high number, but is 15 lbs above my preferred weight. A weight I haven't seen since before I was pregnant with my first kid. A weight and size I am desperate to return to.
So after four days of no sleep, cleaning up after kids again and again. And yes, putting away the millions of loads of laundry I am looking forward to returning to work tomorrow with a renewed vigor for Buff-Tober. I am renewing my promise to get buff so ladies watch out!
That is not how we are spending the day though. We are stuck in the sick house where we are driving each other crazy or I should say they are driving me crazy.
People think I am crazy for driving 70 miles to go to work; but this drive is what recharges me. This drive is an hour and half and blissful personal time and space.
When home I am beset on all sides with two kids who missed mommy so much that they must now use her as a jungle gym. A husband who wants to know when I am going to away the millions of loads of laundry he washed, what's for dinner, and by the way, you are going to give the kids a bath tonight right?
Of course we can't forget the cat who thinks she needs fresh water and food everyday. I mean really? How many unreasonable demands can one person deal with?
After four days of being home with these ungrateful and demanding heathens
I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK!
I want to go back to the place where I am constantly asked stupid questions by people who must think that my chair has springs in it. They only ask their question as my butt is about to make contact with my chair, forcing me to jump back up.
This place is not filled with crying, whining people who depend on me for their every thought. Wait, it is, but at least I am not responsible for changing their diapers or wiping their noses and that is something at least. And crazy enough, the people at work let me go to the bathroom all by myself!
The desire was also brought home to me by stepping on the scale. With Jessica's comment about being sick being a good way to lose weight ringing in my head; I put on my big girl panties and stepped on the scale.
The scale returned 125. This may not seem like a high number, but is 15 lbs above my preferred weight. A weight I haven't seen since before I was pregnant with my first kid. A weight and size I am desperate to return to.
So after four days of no sleep, cleaning up after kids again and again. And yes, putting away the millions of loads of laundry I am looking forward to returning to work tomorrow with a renewed vigor for Buff-Tober. I am renewing my promise to get buff so ladies watch out!
October 7, 2009
Buff-tober Oct 7th
How did I do today? Meh. I do feel good about my choices though.
I had a training for my department today, so again I didn't go get breakfast. I did remember to bring in some Life cereal though, so I had a handful before the training. During the training we had our quarterly fire drill so down four flights of stairs I went. Knowing I would have to report back on my buffness; I opted to walk back up the four flights of stairs. Did I mention I was in three inch heels, that gets extra points right? :)
I am starting to get a cold, so I have been sneezing and my throat is raw. With that (and my accountablity) I confined myself to my two large cups of coffee this morning, and drank a bottle of water by lunch.I forgot to bring my lunch today so I went to Boston Market. I had the turkey (no gravy), corn, and Mac and cheese. Another bottle of water to finish off the workday.
Afternoon snack instead of cheesecake, I had an applesauce cup.
I asked hubby to stop at the store for dinner tonight. Knowing my throat hurt he called me from the store and asked me what type of ice cream I wanted. I made the right choice and said none! [Mental note to self: do not send hubby to store for dinner!] he brought home chicken nugget TV dinners! Really? Are we in college? So dinner is a bust.
I did take the kids for a walk to the park though. It is half a mile away so that's a mile walk for me! Since we had the park to ourselves I also was reminded of the reason people have kids.
They get to go to the park and play and not get THE LOOK.
The look that says you are a weirdo, and don't even think about stealing their kid!
Overall I made good choices, drank lots of water, but didn't eat very well.
Oh well, that is what tomorrow is for.
I had a training for my department today, so again I didn't go get breakfast. I did remember to bring in some Life cereal though, so I had a handful before the training. During the training we had our quarterly fire drill so down four flights of stairs I went. Knowing I would have to report back on my buffness; I opted to walk back up the four flights of stairs. Did I mention I was in three inch heels, that gets extra points right? :)
I am starting to get a cold, so I have been sneezing and my throat is raw. With that (and my accountablity) I confined myself to my two large cups of coffee this morning, and drank a bottle of water by lunch.I forgot to bring my lunch today so I went to Boston Market. I had the turkey (no gravy), corn, and Mac and cheese. Another bottle of water to finish off the workday.
Afternoon snack instead of cheesecake, I had an applesauce cup.
I asked hubby to stop at the store for dinner tonight. Knowing my throat hurt he called me from the store and asked me what type of ice cream I wanted. I made the right choice and said none! [Mental note to self: do not send hubby to store for dinner!] he brought home chicken nugget TV dinners! Really? Are we in college? So dinner is a bust.
I did take the kids for a walk to the park though. It is half a mile away so that's a mile walk for me! Since we had the park to ourselves I also was reminded of the reason people have kids.
They get to go to the park and play and not get THE LOOK.
The look that says you are a weirdo, and don't even think about stealing their kid!
Overall I made good choices, drank lots of water, but didn't eat very well.
Oh well, that is what tomorrow is for.
Buff-Tober - October 6th
Time for my first official update on Buff-Tober:
I think I had a great day, but I will let my fellow Buff-Tobers be the judge.
It started with me not eating breakfast. How is this good you ask? Well I normally buy my breakfast in cafe at work, but today I was training so when my partner in crime asked if I was going I said no. Thinking she was being a good friend she bought me a sweetroll. I resisted it's lure all day and did not eat it!
For lunch I had a steak taco and a little bit of red rice because who can resist red rice?
I left work at my scheduled time for a change and got home just as the sun was setting. We had leftover chicken fajitas for dinner, and I did not drowned it in sour cream! Instead of my normal coffee, I had a bottle of berry flavored water which I wouldn't recommend. Normal unflavored water for me from here on out.
Since it was still early I put away 3 loads of laundry, and danced with my daughter for about 30 min. After I collapsed on the floor the kids used my legs to play horsey and to fly. Since that didn't tire them out enough and I wasn't dying, we tickled, played and used mommy as an all around jungle gym for a while.
I think I had a great day, but I will let my fellow Buff-Tobers be the judge.
It started with me not eating breakfast. How is this good you ask? Well I normally buy my breakfast in cafe at work, but today I was training so when my partner in crime asked if I was going I said no. Thinking she was being a good friend she bought me a sweetroll. I resisted it's lure all day and did not eat it!
For lunch I had a steak taco and a little bit of red rice because who can resist red rice?
I left work at my scheduled time for a change and got home just as the sun was setting. We had leftover chicken fajitas for dinner, and I did not drowned it in sour cream! Instead of my normal coffee, I had a bottle of berry flavored water which I wouldn't recommend. Normal unflavored water for me from here on out.
Since it was still early I put away 3 loads of laundry, and danced with my daughter for about 30 min. After I collapsed on the floor the kids used my legs to play horsey and to fly. Since that didn't tire them out enough and I wasn't dying, we tickled, played and used mommy as an all around jungle gym for a while.
October 6, 2009
We are now leaving stalkerdom; Welcome to Buff-Tober
I have been stalking Booshy's blog for a while now. It has worked out well; she would write crazy random stuff that would make me laugh until I cried, and she didn't know or have to be subjected to my kind of crazy. That is until she upped the ante and came up with the awesomeness that is Buff-Tober. I have reluctantly left stalkerdom and joined the Buff-Tober challenge because playing in my head isn't doing it. Besides, Booshy and the others that have taken the challenge are having such a great time, I had to join!
What is Buff-Tober? Head over to her Buff-Tober page to witness (and participate) in the greatness, or just to keep count of how many days I receive the How-Not-To-Be-Buff award. :)
My Buff-Tober goals:
Losing weight, getting buff, or FITTING INTO MY CLOTHES would also be a great bonus.
Now that you have read my version, I know you are going to want to join to show off how much better you can do it. The rules are simple and as follows:
What is Buff-Tober? Head over to her Buff-Tober page to witness (and participate) in the greatness, or just to keep count of how many days I receive the How-Not-To-Be-Buff award. :)
My Buff-Tober goals:
- Get out of my office, car, and house more. Barring that, at least putting down my book or phone and GETTING MY EVER WIDING BUTT MOVING!
- Also topping the list is drinking more water. I refuse to give up my coffee because I couldn't function without it; but I can force myself to drink a little more water on a daily basis.
- The third item is staying away from junk, and by junk I mean baked goods. I keep a bowl of candy on my desk that draws people from every department and floor of my company, but I am not tempted in the least. Show me a cake, muffin, or sweetroll in all of its cinnamon baked goodness and watch your fingers because I bite!
Losing weight, getting buff, or FITTING INTO MY CLOTHES would also be a great bonus.
Now that you have read my version, I know you are going to want to join to show off how much better you can do it. The rules are simple and as follows:
- Give her the credit for Buff-tober
- Start your own buff-tober page to keep track of your buffness
- Check in with Booshy’s buff-tober page for updates and the fun wise cracks I've grown to love and drew me out of stalkerdom.
Declaring war and other delusions of grandeur
Note: This post should have been uploaded on Saturday, but due to my craziness, it did not upload properly.
We have a room in our house that should be a formal living room. In my dreams this will be a room free of TV and toys, containing bookcases, groups of comfy chairs and low tables so when entertaining it will be a room where holding a conversation is possible. In my favorite delusion it is a quiet place to relax curled up with a book or to write. I guess a few puzzles or games can be occasionally invited in, but only if they are on their best behavior.
Those times are light years away so I spent half my day waging war on the toy room. The months of my inattentiveness when work has eaten my soul have taken their toll.
A few happy meal toys made their way into the room. As many parents know when two or more of these toys mingle for an extended period of time they tend to reproduce at a rate that would shame the most fertile rabbit.
My hope was to get all the toys out, sorted, and the carpets steam cleaned before the day was over. This was a serious undertaking because to fend off all the tantrums that I knew would inevitably take place; I did not explain to the kids what each pile was. When they weren't dragging the toys back into the toy room, they were rearranging the piles of toys.
Had the kids known what the piles were; toys such as the alphabet train Buckaroo got for Christmas that is still in its bubble wrap or the Barbie who was given a bath in a sink of chocolate milk would have suddenly become the most precious toys they own.
Even though I failed to get the carpet steam cleaned today, only half of the toys will be making the return trip after. The other half are awaiting their fate of going to the curb on garbage day or the garage sale I keep saying I will have one day. All things told, I feel like it was a successful day.
We have a room in our house that should be a formal living room. In my dreams this will be a room free of TV and toys, containing bookcases, groups of comfy chairs and low tables so when entertaining it will be a room where holding a conversation is possible. In my favorite delusion it is a quiet place to relax curled up with a book or to write. I guess a few puzzles or games can be occasionally invited in, but only if they are on their best behavior.
Those times are light years away so I spent half my day waging war on the toy room. The months of my inattentiveness when work has eaten my soul have taken their toll.
A few happy meal toys made their way into the room. As many parents know when two or more of these toys mingle for an extended period of time they tend to reproduce at a rate that would shame the most fertile rabbit.
My hope was to get all the toys out, sorted, and the carpets steam cleaned before the day was over. This was a serious undertaking because to fend off all the tantrums that I knew would inevitably take place; I did not explain to the kids what each pile was. When they weren't dragging the toys back into the toy room, they were rearranging the piles of toys.
Had the kids known what the piles were; toys such as the alphabet train Buckaroo got for Christmas that is still in its bubble wrap or the Barbie who was given a bath in a sink of chocolate milk would have suddenly become the most precious toys they own.
Even though I failed to get the carpet steam cleaned today, only half of the toys will be making the return trip after. The other half are awaiting their fate of going to the curb on garbage day or the garage sale I keep saying I will have one day. All things told, I feel like it was a successful day.
September 25, 2009
Mommy Guilt
I actually left work on time today! It is such a freak occurrence that I feel like I am getting away with something. What prompted this you ask? I am tired of the mommy guilt.
I took Buckaroo to the doctor on Tuesday for his 3 year check up which was two months late. I had to fight to get the time off work; which I will write about when I am not so damn pissed off!
I dropped Angel Cakes at Daycare like normal which led Buckaroo to think that he got a pass on Daycare for the day. Let the guilt begin as I try to explain that 'No, you don't get to stay home with Mommy after the doctor. You have to go to Daycare after the doctors so Mommy can work'.
Buckaroo did great with the doctor though. He is healthy and growing and gaining weight despite eating next to nothing on a daily basis. He took his flu shot without a sound! The doctor decided to do a blood test to check for bee allergies which required them to take a full vial of blood from his arm. Buckaroo was not happy! It is really hard to hold your child while they poke him with a needle that seemed almost as big as he is. Add that to the mommy guilt!
We drove through McDonald's for breakfast and of course it is one with a play land! 'No Honey, we can't go play. Mommy has to go to work' We got to Daycare and he cried! He was all out sobbing as I handed him to the daycare lady and left. Mommy guilt!
Wednesday night I got home at 8 PM and the kids were already fed; I got to be the good mom for a change and give them dessert! There was no fighting as we got ready for bed, they took turns reading their favorite counting story. Right after the book they laid right down for story time where I babble on about whatever adventure pops into my head for a little boy and girl. They were both asleep by 10 PM which is almost unheard of in my house. I was asleep by 10:30 and got to sleep in until 5:30 the next day since I had time to get the backpacks prepared the night before. (Another unheard of occurrence in my house.)
The next day as I was recounting what a wonderful night I had, I remembered a time back before my work took over my life and this was the norm. The norm was not fighting with my husband about how long I am gone from the house. The kids understood that we ate at the table all together, and eating in the living room only happened when we were having a picnic on rainy days. They put their toys away because the house was clean and they liked it to stay that way. They didn't have to cling to mommy when she was trying to make dinner because they knew that I as soon as I could I would take them on my lap and snuggle them until they were all done and ran off to play.The normal was not going to bed wishing that I had time to read to them before we all fell asleep on the couch watching TV. I didn't go to bed thinking 'Tomorrow I am going to be a better mommy. Tomorrow I will take the time to listen, play a game with them, and not feel like I spent the entire time I was with them yelling at them for one thing or the other.'
In that moment I decided to let go of the mommy guilt and get back to being their mommy.I know that every day is not going to be perfect, but I can at least enjoy them while they are still young enough that they have no choice about spending time with me instead of letting myself be consumed by the mommy guilt.
I took Buckaroo to the doctor on Tuesday for his 3 year check up which was two months late. I had to fight to get the time off work; which I will write about when I am not so damn pissed off!
I dropped Angel Cakes at Daycare like normal which led Buckaroo to think that he got a pass on Daycare for the day. Let the guilt begin as I try to explain that 'No, you don't get to stay home with Mommy after the doctor. You have to go to Daycare after the doctors so Mommy can work'.
Buckaroo did great with the doctor though. He is healthy and growing and gaining weight despite eating next to nothing on a daily basis. He took his flu shot without a sound! The doctor decided to do a blood test to check for bee allergies which required them to take a full vial of blood from his arm. Buckaroo was not happy! It is really hard to hold your child while they poke him with a needle that seemed almost as big as he is. Add that to the mommy guilt!
We drove through McDonald's for breakfast and of course it is one with a play land! 'No Honey, we can't go play. Mommy has to go to work' We got to Daycare and he cried! He was all out sobbing as I handed him to the daycare lady and left. Mommy guilt!
Wednesday night I got home at 8 PM and the kids were already fed; I got to be the good mom for a change and give them dessert! There was no fighting as we got ready for bed, they took turns reading their favorite counting story. Right after the book they laid right down for story time where I babble on about whatever adventure pops into my head for a little boy and girl. They were both asleep by 10 PM which is almost unheard of in my house. I was asleep by 10:30 and got to sleep in until 5:30 the next day since I had time to get the backpacks prepared the night before. (Another unheard of occurrence in my house.)
The next day as I was recounting what a wonderful night I had, I remembered a time back before my work took over my life and this was the norm. The norm was not fighting with my husband about how long I am gone from the house. The kids understood that we ate at the table all together, and eating in the living room only happened when we were having a picnic on rainy days. They put their toys away because the house was clean and they liked it to stay that way. They didn't have to cling to mommy when she was trying to make dinner because they knew that I as soon as I could I would take them on my lap and snuggle them until they were all done and ran off to play.The normal was not going to bed wishing that I had time to read to them before we all fell asleep on the couch watching TV. I didn't go to bed thinking 'Tomorrow I am going to be a better mommy. Tomorrow I will take the time to listen, play a game with them, and not feel like I spent the entire time I was with them yelling at them for one thing or the other.'
In that moment I decided to let go of the mommy guilt and get back to being their mommy.I know that every day is not going to be perfect, but I can at least enjoy them while they are still young enough that they have no choice about spending time with me instead of letting myself be consumed by the mommy guilt.
September 19, 2009
Week Of Stupid
This has been a week of stupid. It started with very few hours of sleep after spending all day Sunday taking the kids to see their first Cubs game at Wrigley. That was an experience. One I will not be reliving soon. After I drop the kids off at daycare at O' Dark Early I drive as fast as the county police will let me to get my first cup of nectar from the gods. One of the gas stations I pass on my way to the expressway sells great coffee. Yes, it is gas station coffee; but they use only Kona beans. And well, I live in the middle of a corn field so what can I expect. It is either gas station coffee or Starbucks which I refuse to think of as real coffee.
Wednesday morning I was so tired from having an up and down night with the kids that I drove right past the gas station and was almost 2 miles down the road before I realized it. Since I was at the ramp that would take me to my second private hell I thought really hard about just getting coffee at the Dunkin Doughnuts that is right off the expressway by work. It meant I would have to wait another hour before I could have a sip of my life's blood though. While waiting for the light to change I looked down and saw I wouldn't have enough gas to get to work and I was already running late so stopping twice was out of the question. I backtracked to my gas station, filled up the van and got the copious amounts of coffee that it takes to keep me and two of my co-workers from killing each other and went on to work. The next morning at the said gas station again getting coffee, the lady who is responsible for keeping me in coffee tells me that she forgot to charge me for the gas yesterday when she rang up my coffee. I looked at her blankly for a moment and said okay I will pay today. This is a situation that makes me glad I go to the same gas station everyday; it really would have upset me to find out that my friends at the county police station were looking for me because I had driven away without paying for the gas.
Last month at work we installed a new software to bring my department out of the dark ages and it was my job to train everyone. This required me to work an average of 50 hours a week since the beginning of the year and not take any vacation time. This week everyone in the department seems to have forgotten everything they learned and just kept asking the same stupid questions over and over again. Not just about the new system, but also about how to do their jobs. Like they haven't been working for the company 10 years or so longer then I have.
The stupidness of this week reached new heights on Friday though. Both of my children were awake when I put them in the car to take them to daycare so I was running late. Again. While putting Angel Cake's seatbelt on I mentioned that it was their last day at daycare since this is how they catagorize the days of the week. There are daycare days and family days. After my exclamation, Angel Cakes looked up at me and said, 'Is that a good thing?' My heart broke a little since I knew I would once again be working this Saturday to do the work I neglected all week because I had to hold my co-works hands.
Right after we started on the new system we realized that about 100 of our customers were converted incorrectly. It is an internal problem that would take almost as many man hours to fix. Since it is transparent to the customer we opted for an ongoing work around solution that we found instead. At about 10:30 my supervisor who helped design the new system had the brain fart of all brain farts. One of my coworkers had a question about one of the customers affected by the problem and she flipped! I can't attest to what she thought was going on with the customer, but she swore that the problem was a new problem she knew nothing about and we would have to put in all the man hours to fix it because the customers are seeing the incorrect information. She immediately starts e-mailing everyone up and down the company ladder about the problem.
No matter how many times both IT and I tried to explain that this was the same problem, the customers are not aware, and that it was okay, she refused to listen. It got to the point I was jumping up and down in the aisle between our desks, because that was going to make her see reason right? I was just at that point. We were arguing so much we scared a couple of our co-workers who promptly left the department. Almost two hours later she finally looks at me and asks, 'Am I being stupid?' I just looked at her for a minute and nearly shouted 'Yes' in relief. Her crazy moment was over and it was time for lunch.
Wednesday morning I was so tired from having an up and down night with the kids that I drove right past the gas station and was almost 2 miles down the road before I realized it. Since I was at the ramp that would take me to my second private hell I thought really hard about just getting coffee at the Dunkin Doughnuts that is right off the expressway by work. It meant I would have to wait another hour before I could have a sip of my life's blood though. While waiting for the light to change I looked down and saw I wouldn't have enough gas to get to work and I was already running late so stopping twice was out of the question. I backtracked to my gas station, filled up the van and got the copious amounts of coffee that it takes to keep me and two of my co-workers from killing each other and went on to work. The next morning at the said gas station again getting coffee, the lady who is responsible for keeping me in coffee tells me that she forgot to charge me for the gas yesterday when she rang up my coffee. I looked at her blankly for a moment and said okay I will pay today. This is a situation that makes me glad I go to the same gas station everyday; it really would have upset me to find out that my friends at the county police station were looking for me because I had driven away without paying for the gas.
Last month at work we installed a new software to bring my department out of the dark ages and it was my job to train everyone. This required me to work an average of 50 hours a week since the beginning of the year and not take any vacation time. This week everyone in the department seems to have forgotten everything they learned and just kept asking the same stupid questions over and over again. Not just about the new system, but also about how to do their jobs. Like they haven't been working for the company 10 years or so longer then I have.
The stupidness of this week reached new heights on Friday though. Both of my children were awake when I put them in the car to take them to daycare so I was running late. Again. While putting Angel Cake's seatbelt on I mentioned that it was their last day at daycare since this is how they catagorize the days of the week. There are daycare days and family days. After my exclamation, Angel Cakes looked up at me and said, 'Is that a good thing?' My heart broke a little since I knew I would once again be working this Saturday to do the work I neglected all week because I had to hold my co-works hands.
Right after we started on the new system we realized that about 100 of our customers were converted incorrectly. It is an internal problem that would take almost as many man hours to fix. Since it is transparent to the customer we opted for an ongoing work around solution that we found instead. At about 10:30 my supervisor who helped design the new system had the brain fart of all brain farts. One of my coworkers had a question about one of the customers affected by the problem and she flipped! I can't attest to what she thought was going on with the customer, but she swore that the problem was a new problem she knew nothing about and we would have to put in all the man hours to fix it because the customers are seeing the incorrect information. She immediately starts e-mailing everyone up and down the company ladder about the problem.
No matter how many times both IT and I tried to explain that this was the same problem, the customers are not aware, and that it was okay, she refused to listen. It got to the point I was jumping up and down in the aisle between our desks, because that was going to make her see reason right? I was just at that point. We were arguing so much we scared a couple of our co-workers who promptly left the department. Almost two hours later she finally looks at me and asks, 'Am I being stupid?' I just looked at her for a minute and nearly shouted 'Yes' in relief. Her crazy moment was over and it was time for lunch.
September 16, 2009
The Parent Voice
I really need to find the Parent Voice. You know the voice I am talking about; that stop you dead in your tracks voice. My Dad has that voice. Once when I stayed with my dad for a few days while visiting his side of the family it didn't matter that I was in my 20's, he lived half a continent away for most of my life, and we only saw him every few years, he spoke to a friend's child in that voice and I snapped to attention and felt guilty even though I was just drinking coffee.
I don't have that voice. I say my kids names in what I think is the Parent Voice because they are doing something wrong and not listening when I ask them to stop and they look at me like "Yeah? And?" I wish I knew where to get that voice, it might make my kids pay attention for a second anyway.
Although; the Parent Voice would probably have to fight for space with all the other voices in my head; but maybe because it is the Parent Voice it can just give The Look and make the other voices stop and pay attention. Yeah; I really need a Parent Voice.
I don't have that voice. I say my kids names in what I think is the Parent Voice because they are doing something wrong and not listening when I ask them to stop and they look at me like "Yeah? And?" I wish I knew where to get that voice, it might make my kids pay attention for a second anyway.
Although; the Parent Voice would probably have to fight for space with all the other voices in my head; but maybe because it is the Parent Voice it can just give The Look and make the other voices stop and pay attention. Yeah; I really need a Parent Voice.
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