Crazy Days In Sight

Today is going to be a hard day. On my calendar is the System Conversion Recognition lunch. The lunch is the companies way of saying thank you and we will get an award to show how fabulous we are. While I do think those of us who poured our souls into it and put our lives on hold to do the project deserve it and a whole lot more, I am not sure I want to go.

This is supposed to be a celebration of all we accomplished. A way to let go of some of the tension and craziness that comes with putting thirty people in a room and working seventy hour weeks for months on end. Others rotated in and out to complete their portions or as we needed them, but for thirty of us, that room was our home. We saw more of that room and each other then we did of our homes and families.

This lunch was rescheduled due to the untimely passing of my supervisor Debbie. She was one of the thirty. She was the heart and soul of this project for my department. The last time the remaining twenty nine of us gathered it was at her funeral.

This lunch was sent out as an open invitation to anyone who worked on the project. A total of about one hundred or so of us. I just am not sure I am strong enough to go. I am not sure I can go without reliving the loss of a great friend and unofficial mentor. How will I feel when I see the others celebrating and laughing not possibly not understanding what this lunch means to those of us who worked so closely with her and still keep expecting to see her?

I keep hearing her voice in my head telling me to go, that we deserve this as she did so many times throught the project. My manager who also worked on the project will not be going. She is encouraging me to go also. If Debbie were here I would go without hesitation. I guess I just don't know if by going I am honoring or betraying her memory.