my promise

Why did I start blogging? This is been brought home to me since I mentioned my blog to my sister in law who promptly asked to read it.

I started blogging to get out of my own head. I never intended my blog to be something I would share with my family. It was going to be a place where I could write whatever I was thinking or feeling without worrying about what people thought. I also wanted to connect with people outside of my circle of family and work. I have a few people I consider really close friends, but not a lot.

I feel like I lost the ability to connect with people outside of these areas. It was once as natural as beathing to me. I would meet someone and within an hour I knew their life story. Now I don't know how to put myself out there enough to form that bond. I feel like I come across as prickly, and hard to talk to.

What changed? I don't know. Maybe is was getting pregnant and being on restricted bedrest. Maybe it is a combination of working too many hours and driving so far that I no longer have the free time to do things and just get outside of the house.I spend my time at work running from person to person or sitting at my desk trying to do eight hours of work into the two hours of time I am left between interuptions. This doesn't leave a lot of time for socializing. When I am at home there is dinner to make, baths to give, and kids to put to bed. Hubby and I don't much chance to talk about things that aren't related to our schedules, I work too much, he has commitments with band, and the kids. This has become our life.

I am not sure if I am suffering from a different form of depression then I dealt with as a teenager, or if it is just I am too introverted. Is the depression causing me to be introverted or is it something else?
I am not a big fan of taking medication given my family history of drug and alcohol abuse, but if it will help I'll do it. I understand the science behind mental illness and that it is easy to treat with medication, that is not my issue. I have seen therapists at different times of my life, most recently when I was divorcing ex husband and believe that it can do a lot of good. I just don't know how to fit it into my already too crowded schedule.

And to be honest I am scared. I don't want to admit how screwed up my life is right now. I don't want to admit that I know I am being irrational sometimes, but I feel powerless to stop it. So I thought I would start a blog to get all of this out, to see if that helps before I call a therapist or start a medication.

But I haven't written about it. I have let my fear and insecurities stop me from using this as the outlet I intended. My need to coonect with people has given me another excuse to not put myself and all my messy icky feeling out there. People want funny and entertaining, not my fucked feelings right? Well that isn't working so I guess now I need to do the hard part and really stop lying to myself about what I need and feel. I am not going to rush to make an appointment with a therapist, but I am going to start blogging for me. To get all the crap out of my head.

I am also not going to share my blog address with my sister in law. Its not that I don't think she will understand, I think we could become really great friends if I let us. But that I am not strong enough to share that much of myself right now. So I will call her more to just hang out and blog about the things I am not willing to share with my family and friends.

I am going to hit post before I lose my nerve and delete this or regulate it to my draft file. Sorry if I offend anyone going forward.