I have pmdd and it sucks!
I was diagnosed about 10 years ago. It is horrible. Between this and my endometriosis I have horrible periods. My mood swings and cramps take pms to a whole new level. I miss work a couple of times a year because I just can't make myself to go in.
Saturday we went to my husband’s extended family Christmas party. We see these people once a year so my husband spends his time talking to his cousins and aunts and uncles he hasn't seen since the last party. It is never a lot of fun for those of us who married into the family, but this year was worse then normal. I was pmsy.
The party started fine and ended with me crying in the bathroom. It is sad when you are in a hall of almost a hundred people and feel alone. But this is what happens when my pmdd rears its ugly head.
I have only met most of these people six times, so we don't have a whole lot to talk about. I spent most of my time correcting talking to my kids. There are about 35 kids from age 1 to 19 so they can cause a lot of havoc. They also tend to run wild because their parents are too busy catching up with each other to pay attention to what their kids are doing.
I am sure I upset a few people in hubby’s immediate family. I was antisocial and pissed off at hubby. I spent half of the party typing an angry post. The rest of the party I was either crying in the bathroom or sulking not wanting to talk to anybody.
Hubby knows about the condition, but hasn't had to deal with one of my really bad times before now. My symptoms have been under control for the last several years. It seems to manifest itself more when I am tired and stressed.
Obviously I have been working too much, not eating so well as noted my attempt at buff-tober, and because I am never home, the kids want to sleep with me so I haven't been sleep well.
That Saturday I didn't sleep well, I hadn't eaten all day and we spent the afternoon running. All that created the perfect storm for my pmdd to manifest. Knowing why doesn't make it better, or any easier to deal with though.
The worst part of all this? I know I am being irrational. I just can't stop it. It is pms on steroids. One minute I am my normal happy self, the next I am throwing things, or crying hysterically. I am locked in my own head with all of these horrible feelings that I can't share. I don't want to share. And frankly I am scared to tell anyone.
I am scared that if I let someone see what is inside of me when I get like this they will know what true crazy looks like. Because in those moments I feel truly crazy. I am not in control.
I don't get violent, except throwing clothes or something soft occasionally, but I do yell. And that scares me. I know that emotional abuse is even more painful then physical abuse. It leaves no marks but causes deeper scars. So when I get like that I just shut down. I would rather internalize, instead of doing that to my hubby and kids.
But that causes a different problem. My kids don't understand why their mommy who always wants to snuggle and play is suddenly distant. That it varies from minute to minute a couple days a month but not the others.
Looking back at other posts and drafts of posts that never made it, I can see that my pmdd is getting worse. That means that the call to my doctor I have been putting off is now a top priority instead of somewhere on my to do list.
It helps to have some place to start though. Knowing that I can tell my doctor that my pmdd is getting out of control again instead of just saying I have been feeling irrational lately and don't know why makes it easier to make the call. It took an episode like I had on Saturday for me to start thinking about my pmdd. It has been under control for so long. that I don't think about it. Is this the only thing going on causing me to feel this way? I don't know. But it is a place to start.
