I hurt. From head to toe and everywhere in between. I feel better after the 3 hour nap my son and I had but am paying for it now. My daughter wasn't tired, so I told her she didn't have to nap as long as she had quiet time. Why did I do this? I felt like I was hungover even though I didn't anything to drink. Chalk it up to days without sleep, constant stress and running. So now I get to clean up the huge bottle
Of baby powder that she spread everywhere and played baker with.
I left my house at 6 AM Tue and didn't return until 11 PM Wed. I went to work and then straight to the hospital. They started the pitocen at 9 PM Tuesday night and I didn't leave her side until I was leaving to go home. My mom and her husband were useless.
They were upsetting and stressing her more then they were helping. I was ready to send them out of the room if they didn't stay quiet. Instead of encouraging her and telling her how good she was doing, they kept telling her that she would deliver any minute. They were telling her that for over two hours. Her pain meds had started to wear off at 8 centimeters and she wanted to push. I calmed her down and talked soothing to her and she wouldn't let go of my hand.
When it came time to push finally she was tired but came through like a champ. Her husband counted for her while I encouraged her and helped her push. It took about an hour and then her beautiful son was born.
I finally came home knowing that twenty people would arrive at my house at 2 PM. My husband did what he could, but he had the kids to deal with so there was lots left to do before I could start cooking.
My day started at 6 AM and everything was done and food was in the oven when the seven other kids decended on my house with their parents and grandparents. Just having nine kids makes for a loud house, but of the nine kids six of them were five and under.
I was kept running by making sure the food was cooking properly and everyone had everything they needed. I am sure I wasn't the best hostess, but it had been a long couple of days. I think I was entirely justified in getting a little upset a few times. I like fresh naked bread as much as anyone else, but not when you try to cut it on my counter with nothing under it! I mean fucking really!? And is it too much to ask that you occasionally pay attention to your kids? If they are shreeking at the top of their lungs and you don't say something, don't get upset when I or someone else does.
As much as I deserved, needed, and probably should have had a drink, I didn't. I was scared that without the coffee I started drinking Tuesday morning and hadn't stopped drinking since I would fall on my face in exhaustion. Everyone was shoved out the door to their respective homes by 8 PM and my house was asleep by 9.
Perversely, I am looking foward to going into work tomorrow so I can relax. I don't even mind that I will again be up at 6 AM on a Saturday to do it.
November 27, 2009
November 25, 2009
new arrival
A sweet baby boy was born at 7:39 PM. He is a little bit of nothing at 6 lbs 2 oz, but has the legs his mama doesn't at 20 and a half inches long.
Mama is tired after 22 hours, but is resting well. She did amazing! I feel honored to have been there and to give what comfort I could during such a stressful, wonderful time.
It was gut wrenching to leave my sister at the hospital but I am heading home to see my family after a long couple of days to clean and cook in preparation of having 20 people at my house tomorrow.
All I can say is that I feel trielt blessed and have more to feel thankful for then can ever be expessed.
Mama is tired after 22 hours, but is resting well. She did amazing! I feel honored to have been there and to give what comfort I could during such a stressful, wonderful time.
It was gut wrenching to leave my sister at the hospital but I am heading home to see my family after a long couple of days to clean and cook in preparation of having 20 people at my house tomorrow.
All I can say is that I feel trielt blessed and have more to feel thankful for then can ever be expessed.
Waiting
I am at the hospital waiting. My sister was induced last night so we spent the night waiting. I refused to go home with my mom and her husband because I didn't want her to be alone and I glad I stayed. I think she is glad I stayed.
So we are playing the waiting game. Waiting for her husband and mom. Waiting for her to dialate. Waiting to go change my clothes.waiting for ANYONE to show because I haven't had a cigarette in over 12 hours and I don't have a patch on!
She is at one and a half centimeters so it looks like it will be a long day. I will update later when I have news.
So we are playing the waiting game. Waiting for her husband and mom. Waiting for her to dialate. Waiting to go change my clothes.waiting for ANYONE to show because I haven't had a cigarette in over 12 hours and I don't have a patch on!
She is at one and a half centimeters so it looks like it will be a long day. I will update later when I have news.
November 22, 2009
my promise
Why did I start blogging? This is been brought home to me since I mentioned my blog to my sister in law who promptly asked to read it.
I started blogging to get out of my own head. I never intended my blog to be something I would share with my family. It was going to be a place where I could write whatever I was thinking or feeling without worrying about what people thought. I also wanted to connect with people outside of my circle of family and work. I have a few people I consider really close friends, but not a lot.
I feel like I lost the ability to connect with people outside of these areas. It was once as natural as beathing to me. I would meet someone and within an hour I knew their life story. Now I don't know how to put myself out there enough to form that bond. I feel like I come across as prickly, and hard to talk to.
What changed? I don't know. Maybe is was getting pregnant and being on restricted bedrest. Maybe it is a combination of working too many hours and driving so far that I no longer have the free time to do things and just get outside of the house.I spend my time at work running from person to person or sitting at my desk trying to do eight hours of work into the two hours of time I am left between interuptions. This doesn't leave a lot of time for socializing. When I am at home there is dinner to make, baths to give, and kids to put to bed. Hubby and I don't much chance to talk about things that aren't related to our schedules, I work too much, he has commitments with band, and the kids. This has become our life.
I am not sure if I am suffering from a different form of depression then I dealt with as a teenager, or if it is just I am too introverted. Is the depression causing me to be introverted or is it something else?
I am not a big fan of taking medication given my family history of drug and alcohol abuse, but if it will help I'll do it. I understand the science behind mental illness and that it is easy to treat with medication, that is not my issue. I have seen therapists at different times of my life, most recently when I was divorcing ex husband and believe that it can do a lot of good. I just don't know how to fit it into my already too crowded schedule.
And to be honest I am scared. I don't want to admit how screwed up my life is right now. I don't want to admit that I know I am being irrational sometimes, but I feel powerless to stop it. So I thought I would start a blog to get all of this out, to see if that helps before I call a therapist or start a medication.
But I haven't written about it. I have let my fear and insecurities stop me from using this as the outlet I intended. My need to coonect with people has given me another excuse to not put myself and all my messy icky feeling out there. People want funny and entertaining, not my fucked feelings right? Well that isn't working so I guess now I need to do the hard part and really stop lying to myself about what I need and feel. I am not going to rush to make an appointment with a therapist, but I am going to start blogging for me. To get all the crap out of my head.
I am also not going to share my blog address with my sister in law. Its not that I don't think she will understand, I think we could become really great friends if I let us. But that I am not strong enough to share that much of myself right now. So I will call her more to just hang out and blog about the things I am not willing to share with my family and friends.
I am going to hit post before I lose my nerve and delete this or regulate it to my draft file. Sorry if I offend anyone going forward.
I started blogging to get out of my own head. I never intended my blog to be something I would share with my family. It was going to be a place where I could write whatever I was thinking or feeling without worrying about what people thought. I also wanted to connect with people outside of my circle of family and work. I have a few people I consider really close friends, but not a lot.
I feel like I lost the ability to connect with people outside of these areas. It was once as natural as beathing to me. I would meet someone and within an hour I knew their life story. Now I don't know how to put myself out there enough to form that bond. I feel like I come across as prickly, and hard to talk to.
What changed? I don't know. Maybe is was getting pregnant and being on restricted bedrest. Maybe it is a combination of working too many hours and driving so far that I no longer have the free time to do things and just get outside of the house.I spend my time at work running from person to person or sitting at my desk trying to do eight hours of work into the two hours of time I am left between interuptions. This doesn't leave a lot of time for socializing. When I am at home there is dinner to make, baths to give, and kids to put to bed. Hubby and I don't much chance to talk about things that aren't related to our schedules, I work too much, he has commitments with band, and the kids. This has become our life.
I am not sure if I am suffering from a different form of depression then I dealt with as a teenager, or if it is just I am too introverted. Is the depression causing me to be introverted or is it something else?
I am not a big fan of taking medication given my family history of drug and alcohol abuse, but if it will help I'll do it. I understand the science behind mental illness and that it is easy to treat with medication, that is not my issue. I have seen therapists at different times of my life, most recently when I was divorcing ex husband and believe that it can do a lot of good. I just don't know how to fit it into my already too crowded schedule.
And to be honest I am scared. I don't want to admit how screwed up my life is right now. I don't want to admit that I know I am being irrational sometimes, but I feel powerless to stop it. So I thought I would start a blog to get all of this out, to see if that helps before I call a therapist or start a medication.
But I haven't written about it. I have let my fear and insecurities stop me from using this as the outlet I intended. My need to coonect with people has given me another excuse to not put myself and all my messy icky feeling out there. People want funny and entertaining, not my fucked feelings right? Well that isn't working so I guess now I need to do the hard part and really stop lying to myself about what I need and feel. I am not going to rush to make an appointment with a therapist, but I am going to start blogging for me. To get all the crap out of my head.
I am also not going to share my blog address with my sister in law. Its not that I don't think she will understand, I think we could become really great friends if I let us. But that I am not strong enough to share that much of myself right now. So I will call her more to just hang out and blog about the things I am not willing to share with my family and friends.
I am going to hit post before I lose my nerve and delete this or regulate it to my draft file. Sorry if I offend anyone going forward.
November 19, 2009
Happy Birthday Angel
Happy birthday sweetheart!
It has been five years since I waddled into the doctors office for our last check up. Even before you were born you refused to conform to anyones expectations. You put us on notice that any plans we made were subject to your approval. I will never forget the look on Daddy's face when the doctor said you were going to be born today instead of the following Monday as planned. It was a cross between excitement, wonder and fear. I just laid on the table freaking out for a minute. Excitement at finally seeing your beautiful face waged war against the overwhelming fear I felt. In typical Mommy fashion after my initial freak the hell out, I calmed down and waited to finally meet the wonderful baby girl who turned my world upside down and inside out.
It has been a year of many changes and you have grown so much.
I can't belive you turn five today.
It has been five years since I waddled into the doctors office for our last check up. Even before you were born you refused to conform to anyones expectations. You put us on notice that any plans we made were subject to your approval. I will never forget the look on Daddy's face when the doctor said you were going to be born today instead of the following Monday as planned. It was a cross between excitement, wonder and fear. I just laid on the table freaking out for a minute. Excitement at finally seeing your beautiful face waged war against the overwhelming fear I felt. In typical Mommy fashion after my initial freak the hell out, I calmed down and waited to finally meet the wonderful baby girl who turned my world upside down and inside out.
It has been a year of many changes and you have grown so much.
You are still my studious girl who can't wait to start school next year.
Who isn't afraid of bugs and loves anything outside.
Who does things her way! Who says you can't garden in a bathing suit?
My beautiful ballarina.
Who rides on two wheels.
You will never cease to amaze Daddy and I. We love you more then anything!
November 13, 2009
Crazy Days In Sight
Today is going to be a hard day. On my calendar is the System Conversion Recognition lunch. The lunch is the companies way of saying thank you and we will get an award to show how fabulous we are. While I do think those of us who poured our souls into it and put our lives on hold to do the project deserve it and a whole lot more, I am not sure I want to go.
This is supposed to be a celebration of all we accomplished. A way to let go of some of the tension and craziness that comes with putting thirty people in a room and working seventy hour weeks for months on end. Others rotated in and out to complete their portions or as we needed them, but for thirty of us, that room was our home. We saw more of that room and each other then we did of our homes and families.
This lunch was rescheduled due to the untimely passing of my supervisor Debbie. She was one of the thirty. She was the heart and soul of this project for my department. The last time the remaining twenty nine of us gathered it was at her funeral.
This lunch was sent out as an open invitation to anyone who worked on the project. A total of about one hundred or so of us. I just am not sure I am strong enough to go. I am not sure I can go without reliving the loss of a great friend and unofficial mentor. How will I feel when I see the others celebrating and laughing not possibly not understanding what this lunch means to those of us who worked so closely with her and still keep expecting to see her?
I keep hearing her voice in my head telling me to go, that we deserve this as she did so many times throught the project. My manager who also worked on the project will not be going. She is encouraging me to go also. If Debbie were here I would go without hesitation. I guess I just don't know if by going I am honoring or betraying her memory.
This is supposed to be a celebration of all we accomplished. A way to let go of some of the tension and craziness that comes with putting thirty people in a room and working seventy hour weeks for months on end. Others rotated in and out to complete their portions or as we needed them, but for thirty of us, that room was our home. We saw more of that room and each other then we did of our homes and families.
This lunch was rescheduled due to the untimely passing of my supervisor Debbie. She was one of the thirty. She was the heart and soul of this project for my department. The last time the remaining twenty nine of us gathered it was at her funeral.
This lunch was sent out as an open invitation to anyone who worked on the project. A total of about one hundred or so of us. I just am not sure I am strong enough to go. I am not sure I can go without reliving the loss of a great friend and unofficial mentor. How will I feel when I see the others celebrating and laughing not possibly not understanding what this lunch means to those of us who worked so closely with her and still keep expecting to see her?
I keep hearing her voice in my head telling me to go, that we deserve this as she did so many times throught the project. My manager who also worked on the project will not be going. She is encouraging me to go also. If Debbie were here I would go without hesitation. I guess I just don't know if by going I am honoring or betraying her memory.
November 11, 2009
Love Letter
Dear November,
Just when I think I am ready to end the on\off love affair we have, you give me a morning like today.
I was done with you yesterday. Not the I'm mad at you and gonna sulk until you pay attention to me done. Not the I just need to be mad for a while and then I will get over it done. Completely done!
Done with the adjustment to day light savings time. Done with your one day warm, and the next freezing. The crazy busy schedule that comes with every day another birthday or holiday. But most of all done with the fall cleaning. The cleaning that my husband feels is necessary every November because we host a birthday party and Thanksgiving just weeks apart.
Cleaning that means every inch of the house has to be taken apart and scrubbed. Not just the obvious places and things. I mean taking everything out of the cabinets, scrubbing the cabinets, washing every dish even though it was just washed the prior day before it is allowed back into the now pristine cabinet. Washing all the windows and walls!
The satisfaction that comes when we are done pales to the amount of time and energy expounded becuase within a day the toys have crept back into the family room, and the dresser drawers are a mess again from the kids pawing through them looking for clothes. I know the carpets will have to be steam cleaned again the morning of the birthday party or Thanksgiving. Not because they are dirty, but so they look just right when people arrive.
I allowed my aggrivation with cleaning, crazy schedules and stupid traffic blind me to your beauty November.
The beauty that comes when even though the trees are mostly bare, the ground is carpeted in leaves. The way the sun just coming up takes up the entire horizion as a red ball without being blinding. When fog shrouds the fields and appears to soften everything it touches.
November, I love the smell of apple pie baked with apples picked fresh from the orchard. The love and the laughter that comes when the entire family is gathered for the holidays. You may not blanket the ground in snow and make everything look pristine like December does. However, you do give us days when we wake up to frost covering our windows and the ground, but at lunchtime we can go out without a coat.
So November, my sweet November, I am not done with you. Even though I get moody and may not like you every day, I will miss you when you are gone.
Just when I think I am ready to end the on\off love affair we have, you give me a morning like today.
I was done with you yesterday. Not the I'm mad at you and gonna sulk until you pay attention to me done. Not the I just need to be mad for a while and then I will get over it done. Completely done!
Done with the adjustment to day light savings time. Done with your one day warm, and the next freezing. The crazy busy schedule that comes with every day another birthday or holiday. But most of all done with the fall cleaning. The cleaning that my husband feels is necessary every November because we host a birthday party and Thanksgiving just weeks apart.
Cleaning that means every inch of the house has to be taken apart and scrubbed. Not just the obvious places and things. I mean taking everything out of the cabinets, scrubbing the cabinets, washing every dish even though it was just washed the prior day before it is allowed back into the now pristine cabinet. Washing all the windows and walls!
The satisfaction that comes when we are done pales to the amount of time and energy expounded becuase within a day the toys have crept back into the family room, and the dresser drawers are a mess again from the kids pawing through them looking for clothes. I know the carpets will have to be steam cleaned again the morning of the birthday party or Thanksgiving. Not because they are dirty, but so they look just right when people arrive.
I allowed my aggrivation with cleaning, crazy schedules and stupid traffic blind me to your beauty November.
The beauty that comes when even though the trees are mostly bare, the ground is carpeted in leaves. The way the sun just coming up takes up the entire horizion as a red ball without being blinding. When fog shrouds the fields and appears to soften everything it touches.
November, I love the smell of apple pie baked with apples picked fresh from the orchard. The love and the laughter that comes when the entire family is gathered for the holidays. You may not blanket the ground in snow and make everything look pristine like December does. However, you do give us days when we wake up to frost covering our windows and the ground, but at lunchtime we can go out without a coat.
So November, my sweet November, I am not done with you. Even though I get moody and may not like you every day, I will miss you when you are gone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)