It's Gone

I didn't make it to my appointment on time, but my hair is still gone.

Here is a before picture from about a month and a half ago.

Long and flowing

We spent some time pouring over books discussing different styles. I wanted something wash and go with a minimum of fuss. Something that would suit my natural curls. A style that would look good messy or sleek. A little above my shoulders, I don't think I look good with the short pixie look. She partitioned my hair off into five different pony tails so she could take 12 inches off on each side.

Here are the pony tails that were cut.

The cuts were made; there was no turning back.

They don't look like much laying there. It is hard to imagine that I was completely surrounded when I wore my hair down. We chatted as she cut and styled. I sat in her chair for over an hour as she fussed, measured and snipped at the back. The more she cut the less I talked. I finally couldn't take it anymore and asked her to stop with the back and to please do something with the front and sides. I kept wondering why I didn't wait for my normal stylist, another day or two wouldn't have killed me. She knows me, my hair, and the styles I like. I was willing to give this girl a chance though.

Finally she was done cutting and I was reserving judgment until I could see the final style. She grabbed her round brush and blow dryer and went to work. I told her that I was going to post pictures on my blog of before and after. She understood and said she would give me an easy cute style that while I might not do everyday, is good for when I want to do something a little different. Perfect.

A little mousse, okay I can handle that. A little wax, maybe not something I would do every day, but okay. A little pomade, this getting a bit much don't you think? I was going to have her take the after picture in the salon because it never looks the same once you put your coat on and drive home. Then she turned me around for the reveal.

I swear I could have submitted a picture to the Bumpits and they would have called me within seconds of receiving it. Problem was I didn't have anything in my hair to make it that damn poofy. Not the style I was looking for. I couldn't help fingering it, trying to push it down a little and immediately wanted to wash my hand. My hair felt gross!

Walk in the door and Hubby being the wonderful supportive hubby, told me that he liked it. I took off my coat and ran upstairs to wash the crap out of my hair. I had to see if I could style it into something a little more me. I felt much better when my hair was once again clean and I could stand to touch it again.

Hope you are ready, here is the after shot.

No, that is not a picture of my son. My reaction was OMFG!!!

My first reaction is that I hate it, it is way way shorter then I said she could. I am going to give it a few days before I really make a judgment though. Not that there is much I can do about it now. I might go in to have my normal stylist see if she can do anything to make the front and sides match the back a little more, but anything else will have to wait a while. I am going to be shocking people and myself for weeks to come either way.

Extra points to Hubby who keeps telling me how cute it looks, and how it shows off my beautiful bone structure. I know he is saying it because it is part of his hubby duties, but he says it and says it often, so he gets the extra credit.

Jammies and Coffee Make My World Spin

Yesterday was a lost day. You know those days where you are busy all
day but get nothing accomplished? Yeah, that was my day.

I swear I did like five loads of laundry, cooked a million times,
cleaned up toys time and time again, and dealt with tantrums. I look
around this morning and you can't tell I did anything yesterday. There
are still toys all over the place, laundry to be done, meals to cook,
tantrums to deal with. To add to that, I was so busy yesterday I never
got a chance to work or get my hair cut. So those two things will be
top of my list today. My salon opens at ten, and I have an appointment
to be there when they open.

Angel Cakes had a complete melt down last night because her 'absolute
favorite' jammies no longer fit. They haven't fit for over a year, but
last night it was the end of the world. She loves the 'slidey' type,
the one piece that have slipper feet and zip up. Her favorite ones are
pink and have little puppies on them. I promised that I would go to
the store today to look to see if they have them in her current size.
During the end of the conversation about jammies (after the promise to
buy new ones) she also asked if we could go see Aunt Baby Girl and her
baby. And when we go, can we stop at the coffee and doughnut place?
Can she get a cup of water and ice? And maybe see if they have the
little munchkins that she like? Oh, I can get a cup of coffee also. I
love how she added the coffee to justify the trip; she knows the way
to Mommy's heart.

I just want to throw in here that I know I coddle my kids. I know I
give in too easy sometimes, but don't care. I love that my kids will
come running to me through the day and ask to be picked up and know
that I will almost every time. They climb on my lap almost the minute
I sit down (after they ask of course) and then are gone again a few
seconds later. I love those little stolen hugs, kisses, and snuggles
through the day. That they feel secure in my love and know that I will
always be there when they need or want me is the most important thing
to me.

There is only a few short months for Angel Cakes and one year for
Buckaroo before I send them off to school and they will have to learn
that not everything turns out perfectly like in the movies. They will
have to cope with the little disappointments that can happen and I
want them to know I will always be there. That no matter what, they
can always come to me with their problems and I will always listen,
dry their tears, help them understand, and maybe find a better way. I
know that I won't be able to fix everything for them, but that isn't
going to stop me from trying. When I can do something as small as
looking for new jammies (which she needs anyway) I will do it every
time. There are enough times that I say no, so I rejoice in the times
I can say yes.

It's time to wake up Hubby so I can shower and get to my appointment
on time. Here's hoping things go the way they are supposed to and I
can post before and after pictures in a little while.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Randomness and Childishness

I swear my beast is possessed. Either that or it is trying to make me
think I am crazier then I really am. One of the three. It was 3- today
and half of my vents are blowing hot air and the other half are
blowing freezing cold. It has dual controls, and so I thought that
maybe the controls in the back were set to cold and it was somehow
over riding the front controls, so I turned the passenger side off.
Mess with the controls some more and suddenly that side is blowing hot
even though it is set in the middle. It is just messing with me now.
One minute hot, one minute cold. Kinda like me when I have PMS. Okay
that's it; the beast has PMS. Glad we figured that out.

In other randomness during my day, I appearantly work with a couple of
children. I have always had my suspicions, they were confirmed today.
One of my best girls took over some my accounts when another girl
left. I had concerns about putting her in the position because I
feared there would be personality conflicts with one of the ladies in
the credit department she would have to work closely with. They proved
me right.

Yesterday my girl went to credit department because she had a
question. There was a misunderstanding and both of them got upset.
These things happen, they both vented to me and I didn't worry about
it, I thought it would blow over. Today they were still holding a
grudge and each had a chip on their shoulder. There was another
misunderstanding and then they refused to talk to each other. They
would send someone else to ask the question. They were finding the
littlest thing to be upset about.

At one point my girl came over to ask about an account and then asked
me to go talk to the person in credit about it instead of asking her
damn self. I looked at her and asked 'Are we back in grade school? We
are playing the interpreter game?' She understood, but like a child
would, immediately blaimed the other person. They still weren't
talking to each other when I left for the night, we will see how
tomorrow goes.

In other childishness; I had my temp basically call me a liar because
he was trying to deny doing something. He tried to tattle on someone
else, but guess what? It was him. Our new system allows us to track
every movement they make in the system. He misapplied a check and then
denied doing it, even after I offered to show him how to check who
applied it. I told him yesterday to correct it and it was still out
there today. Late in the day he asked me about it again because he was
having problems, still denying that he ever touched the check in the
first place. He didn't deny that his name was on it, instead saying
that he knows systems like our and that things can be changed.
Really?! I swear I looked at him and said 'Yes, that's right. I am out
to get you.' Another example of how my sarcastic nature can get me
into trouble, but WTF is that!? I was just so stunned.

In looking into the problem he was having, I remembered there were a
couple of emails sent between him and I about the check. When he
worked it the first time I was working from home for the day and he
had problems so we discussed them in email. I will admit I got a
little bit of childish satisfaction in showing him the emails to prove
that I was right and he was wrong. They drove me to it though! It was
all their fault.
My final bit of randomness; since it is month end we are working even
longer hours in final push to get all the checks applied. I am not
ashamed to admit I am not above trying to bribe them and hype them up
on sugar to keep the after lunch sleepies away. I went to the store on
Tuesday and bought ice cream bars, more candy for my candy bowl and
twizzler pull and peels and strategically placed them around the
department. I held one of the bags of twizzlers back for later in the
week. I made the mistake of taunting another coworker with them and
opened the final bag. I remember now why I don't normally buy or eat
them. They are evil! I ate one and then couldn't stop. I refused to
share and then ate almost half the bag before realizing it. Evil I
tell you!

--
Sent from my mobile device

Little Changes

It seems like I have been talking a lot about the changes I am making
to my appearance and at work, but not the real changes I'm trying to
make. I'm working on it. It feels like I am doing what countless
therapists and meetings told me to do, but never really understood. I
am faking it until I make it.

Writing has helped so much with that. It is causing me to really think
instead of just reacting. Reading all the blogs has also helped me
understand what is missing. It helps me get out of my own head and see
when I am over thinking instead of acting. I have always been an avid
reader, and written on and off throught my life. I can look back and
see the times when I was writing poetry and a journal as the times I
was the healthiest. Those were the times I was actually dealing with
the stuff going on instead of just ignoring it. I have been using
books to escape, escape my life and my problems. Yes, sometimes
reading a book puts a little spotlight on the things I am trying to
avoid, but it is easier to brush it off. I can rationalize that it is
just fiction. That no ones life is really that perfect or
unbelievable. Blogs are different, they are real people coping with
real life as best they can.

So I am faking it until I make it. The changes to my appearance are
easier to make. They give me the ego boost that I need to make some of
the other changes. People have seen me as more approachable. It is
easier to start a conversation by complimenting someone, it shows you
really care and opens the door to more conversations. I have been
trying to make a concerted effort to say those comments to others more
instead of just thinking them.

The changes also opened my eyes to the fact that I have been wearing
my parenthood like a badge. As if by people seeing the bags and
circles under my eyes is going to prove what a great parent I am. Yes,
I am a parent, but that isn't all that I am. There is more to me then
my job, but I lost sight of that. They are important parts of my life,
but I have let them define me for too long.

I am trying to think about what I am really trying to say before I say
it. A perfect example I have heard myself say a lot in relation to
work is 'I love finding new ways to cheat.' That really isn't what I
mean, a better way to say that and closer to what I mean is 'Working
smarter not harder.' It is really finding new ways to make the system
work for me instead of the other way around. The system we converted
from was very out dated, we spent a lot of time trying to make the
system work for our business today instead of what it was 13 years
ago. Compared to what we used to do, sometimes it seems like we are
cheating because it is so easy. That just isn't something I should say
around my auditors though because it could get me into a lot of
trouble if they are new and don't understand.

Another thing I am really trying not to say is 'Boys are dumb.' This
has become my catch all for when I am frustrated or angry with Hubby
in paticular. It is a throw away comment that allows me to express
some of my feelings, but doesn't really help anything. It doesn't
really address what I am feeling, which is something I am trying to
teach my daughter to do. I can't really be mad at hubby for not
understanding why I am upset, if I can't or don't tell him and instead
just silently fume about it.

They are little changes that may not seem like much, but they are
helping me learn to be more honest with myself and others which is all
to the good.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Tax Craziness

I looked at my W2 today and was shocked. I always start working on my
taxes before I actually get my W2 by estimating my gross income. I
have worked for the department for 8 years so know about how many
hours overtime I work each week. Multiply that by my overtime rate,
add that to my base rate, that is my estimated gross income. I have
never been off by more then $200.

Imagine my surprise when I looked at my W2 and it was over $5000 more
then I estimated. Where the hell did it go? I want it back! I looked
closer and saw my taxes withheld was off. Then I remembered. Those
months where I worked 70 to 80 hours a week and didn't really see a
difference in my bank account.

I feel a little better knowing I will get most of it back, but it
stinks that the government got to earn the interest on my money. Now I
can't wait till Hubby gets his W2 so I can file our taxes and get my
lovely refund.

--
Sent from my mobile device

The Best Laid Plans

I should have listened to my horoscope on Saturday. It told me that it
was the perfect day to get my hair cut or revamp my wardrobe.

Instead of shopping like I planned, I worked. After I finished
working, Hubby and I had a night out since the kids were having a
sleep over at the cousins.

We went to dinner and then to a couple of bars. The first bar we had a
drink, and watched a set of one of his old bands. Talked to everyone
during their break and went to the bar\club in our town.

While talking to one of the bouncers, one of the bartenders came
bouncing up to Hubby with a drink and shots. It was Salsa night so we
settled at the bar and I got to meet some of Hubby's bar friends.

Couple of martinis and shots later while we were outside smoking with
Bouncy Bartender, I made a huge mistake. I mentioned that I wasn't
drunk. Bouncy Bartender took that as a challenge that it wasn't meant
to be. Nothing I said would get her to understand that.

I don't drink to get drunk. A little buzzed maybe, but not drunk. I
use alcohol as a way to occasionally relax a little, an aid to let go
of some of my inhibitions. Two martinis is normally my max. I grew up
in a family of alcoholics and that really is my greatest fear.

Back in the bar, Bouncy Bartender continued to pour shot after shot. I
was okay while she was pouring Bomb Pops, but when she started pouring
other types of shots, I was done.

Hubby told me the next day that at the club I had, 4 martinis, 6 or 7
Bomb Pops, 1 red bull and something shot, 1 shot of X vodka and
something else, and 3 what I was calling mouthwash shots. They were
cinnamon or something and about 150 proof.

Yeah I was bound to get sick with all that. I don't remember drinking
anything after the first mouthwash shot, but according to Hubby I
continued to knock them back.

Hubby did what he should have done the weekend before and took very
good care of me. We left the club at closing and he kept me up until
5:30 to make sure that I was okay because I was so sick.

He left at about 11:30 to get the kiddies and told me to just sleep.
He hung out with his brother and his parents who also came by to give
me time to recover. I crawled out of bed around two. I made myself get
in the shower and get moving even though it was the last thing I
wanted to do. I just wanted to sleep.

Dragged my ass to the salon to find that my stylist closed early. Damn
it, I really wanted to get my hair cut. Since I was already out of the
house and desperately needing a boost, I decided to try shopping.

While getting dressed the night before, I realized that I no longer
have a knock them on their ass outfit. You know, the going out with
the girls and gonna make all the boys drool outfit. I have lots of
clothes, but none that fall into that category or fit the way they
once did. I didn't find it while shopping, but did get two cute
shirts.

Hubby came home with the kids later that night and kept apologizing
for the night before. He felt bad that he let me drink that much, that
he didn't realize how drunk I was. Other then the end of the night
where I got sick, we had a really good night. I got to see the man I
first fell in love with, that has been in hiding lately. He reminded
me why I love him so much and despite everything, still think he is my
trophy husband.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Mini Update

Tonight was a later night then I was planning, but I am finally home
to snuggle Angel Cakes and she is already asleep.

My manager and I had a couple mini conversations about the job
openings the last two days.

I mentioned to her yesterday that I would like to meet with her next
week about the two openings she emailed me on Friday; that I have some
questions I would like to discuss with her. She responded with 'Okay.
It seems like everything I'm trying to do with you is on hold anyway.
They aren't responding to me.' I have a few guesses who 'they' are,
but don't know for certain. This lead me to think she still is trying
to get the System Admin position for me.

Today, she asked to speak with me and when we got into the conference
room she was asking about my work history. How long I had been with
the department vs my time with Customer Service for the company. Where
I worked before our company. What were my positions. Just basic info,
no real details. Her parting comment to my 'I can dig up my resume
that I updated a couple years ago., was that she might have a copy
somewhere. That she thought she had a week and a half to get this
information together, but now she has a meeting in ten minutes.'
Little while later she said her meeting with the Senior VP and
Treasurer was interupted.

I have no real information, just scraps gathered here and there so I
am still am unsure. Any of the positions I am considering, I need the
approval from the same people. I do feel good that she has at least
started a conversation with these people about me and my career
though. I also let her know that I at least am interested in learning
more about these other positions so she has all the facts to make her
decision and to strengthen her arguement either way.

And since I failed to post my weekend update yet, a mini update on that also.

I didn't get my hair cut yet. I will this weekend though. Between my
shopping on Sunday and yesterday, I bought a new cream colored sweater
that is perfect for leaving at work for when I get cold, or can use to
accentuate an outfit. I also got a beautiful pink and white pinstripe
shirt. I absolutely love pink and my love of pinstripe almost reaches
fetish level.

Yesterday, I scored two new pairs of shoes. One pair of black suede
Mary Janes with patent leather straps and the other suede and patent
leather lace up ankle boots. They kind of remind me of mens dress
shoes, but with a three inch heel. Both of them were on clearance! I
would have paid full price, but love them more because I didn't. Not a
whole new wardrobe, but a good start.

It seems what started as a mini update has turned into a full post. I
will continue to work on my post from the weekend and try to get it
posted tomorrow morning.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Leaving My Babies

It never gets any easier. I hate leaving them at Daycare every morning.

I miss listening to little feet on the carpet as they make their way
from their beds to mine. The snuggles in bed that start my morning off
right.

I don't get to see the smile on Buckaroo's face when he first wakes up
and is eager to greet the day. How he bounces on the bed because he is
ready to play and knows that tickle time will follow.

My Angel Cakes snuggles a little closer and burrows her head in my
neck trying to stave off the moment we leave the wonderful coccoon of
blankets. Once her feet hit the floor she is a whirl wind of activity,
but she needs the few extra minutes to mentally prepare herself for
the day and wrap herself in the security of our love.

That is how mornings should be spent.

Not jumping out of bed and into the shower before it has even warmed
up. Not chasing all over the house for the missing shoe, and is today
wear blue day or is that tomorrow. Not shoving arms in coat sleeves
and getting frustrated because even in their sleep they know and try
to pull their seems back out because they don't want to go.

That makes days like today more gut wrenching. Angel Cakes was
snuggled up close, wide awake before my alarm went off.

When getting her all snuggled into her bed at Daycare, she looks up at
me with her big blue eyes and asks if I can stay with her a while. 'No
baby, Mommy has to go.' With the quivering lip and tears in her eyes
she says, 'But I miss you. I just wanna snuggle a little longer.'

Work is calling (yes, it is only 6:15 but they still call) and it is
going to be a late night. Give her an extra tight long hug and a kiss
and walk out with tears in my eyes.

Damn! I hate days like this.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Welcome To The Land Of Confusion

You know that song right? It has been running through my head all day.

That is where I have been all day. Dazed and confused.

I was very excited going into work. This was a big day. My manager was
meeting with the VP to discuss the possibility of my promotion.

It would be the first of many meetings; VP would have to meet with
Senior VP, Treasurer, etc Nothing would be decided today, but still
very exciting first step.

I was blissfully breezing through my morning despite all my associates
asking stupid questions. It's Friday, been a tough week, people are
tired, it happens right?

Wham! E-mail from my manager.

My head spins as I read the title. FW: New ABC Positions (Not the
position I have been drooling over)

Read down a little more. Company is starting a new department. They
need two managers and are looking for internal applicants.

The personal message from my manager reads; 'Just for you to see if
you are interested.'

My heart is in my throat reading the attached job descriptions. Wow!

I'm dazed reading the description, I don't know if I can do this. A
manager position?!

Take a deep breath, and then confusion sets in. What about the System
Admin position?

Guess when it rains, it pours right?

My first thought is to jump online and send a quick post, but check
that reaction.

Ok. So what do I do with all this crazy running around my head? I need
to talk to someone about all this!

I want to jump up and talk about this and everything with my manager,
but know she is pretty much booked solid today. And I have a million
things I need to do to catch up on my desk.

My head is swimming and all the little interuptions from associates
aren't helping.

I decided I would just print the stuff out, go to lunch, decompress,
read it about a million times this weekend, gather my thoughts, and
meet with my manager to discuss it next week. Ya know, the sensible
road instead of the freak the hell out one. Progress right?

To make sure I have every scrap of information I can possibly get, I
hop online and go to the internal job posting board. The information
there is the same sent in the email. Check for info about the system
admin job, doing my due diligence and gathering my scraps, but not
surprisingly its not posted yet.

Quick check of my managers calendar to see when she is available on
Monday. The meeting with the VP is gone!!! WTF?

Quick check of his calendar, (yes, I am a very nosy bitch, but WTF!!!)
and he is scheduled for a different meeting. Ok, I can breath again.

Scan their calendar, it hasn't been rescheduled. Damn!

Land of confusion seems to be my new home.

Still; I brought everything home to review and obsess over this
weekend. I will meet with my manager next week to discuss the other
positions, and maybe by that time I will have figured out a way to
bring the System Admin position into the discussion.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Back from Hell

I'm back from hell I think. I thought I was better on Sunday, and.even
though my stomach wasn't completely settled went into work on Monday.
Bad move. My stomach revolted Tuesday morning and continued to revolt
until early yesterday.

As of right now I am feeling ok and heading back to my other hell. I
probably should take an additional day to ensure my stomach won't
suddenly decide on round three, but that just isn't an option.

My partner in crime called again. She called in sick yesterday as well.

My manager commented in the past that if I am sick one day that she
will also be sick within a week. Not with the same thing, something
else.

I should mention that even though we are good friends, I am also her
Lead. I am asked to help with her evaluations. I've been up front with
her about this.

That I seperate our friendship for our work relationship. At lunch and
after work we talk about personal stuff, but while at work, I have to
be her Lead over her friend. I don't talk with her about work related
things that stem from my position. Just general things anyone in the
department is privy to.

She wants to be considered the open postion we are interviewing for.
Last week she looked at me like I just beat her puppy when I told her
no, that I couldn't give her my recommendation for the position But
this is why! I tried to explain why to her as best I could, but it is
a very fine line.

And damn it; it's hard!

I know things as a friend that I might not know as a co-worker/lead.

Yesterday she texted me that she went to the doctor on Tuesday, and
the today she said she went yesterday. Get your stories straight girl!

Also, just a tip, don't send me facebook shit, and play on facebook
for 6 hours when you are too sick to come to work! I have mentioned
this to her as a friend before. But each time it keeps happening.

How do I not let things like this impact my opinion of her as her
lead? I haven't mentioned it to my manager, because these are things
that fall into the friendship category. But knowing all this, and the
position she is applying for, I just can't give her my recommendation.

So where is the line? Between friendship and work. At what point am I
doing a disservice to the company and our friendship?

And how do I reconcile them with the promotion that I might (fingers
crossed and holding my breath) get?

As the system administrator I will be responsible for her evaluations
and not just consulted on them.

I want to tell her about the possibility of my promotion, because I
know she would be estatic for me. But it is info that I am privy to
because of my position. Even though I shouldn't know about it.

Damn! What a fucking mess. And I thought I was done with hell for
today at least.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Could It Be True?!?!

Excuse me while I freak the fuck out!

I just checked my managers calander because I wanted to schedule a meeting and saw a meeting on her calander with my name. Nosy bitch that I am, I opened it.

She scheduled a meeting with the VP to discuss promoting me to System Administrator! This is the position that my supervisor that passed away held.

I hoped to be considered for this position, I just can't belive that it might be a possiblity.

I am scared to hope.

Scared to get excited at the possibility, but OMG!!!!!

Of course I am not supposed to know anything about it, but still!!!!

Freaking the hell out will continue until I hear something different.

Crazy Merry Go Round of Cars

Let me start with an introduction of the players because it is gonna
get confusing fast and I need it as a cheat sheet for their assumed
names.

Baby Girl: my sister who had the sweet but of nuffin the day before
thanksgiving.

Bloggy SIL: my sister in law of Hubbys side. A fellow blogger and
accidental mom of five.

Shutter Bug: Hubbys brother, married to Bloggy SIL.

Soccer Mom: Bloggy SIL older sister.

Ok. We have all the players I have yet to blog about or name I think.

The crazy car swapping started with Baby Girl selling Hubby her
beloved car about year and a half ago.

Hubby previously drove a big red truck. It had a V8 and got about 14
miles to the gallon. After changing jobs a few times he started at his
curent company where a truck was not required.

Baby Girl decided that she needed to give up her beloved little green
car for a SUV with 4 wheel drive that could handle the hill her house
is situated on when it is covered in snow and ice. Perfect timing, we
bought it and Hubby gave up Big Red.

Shutter Bug and Bloggy SIL found out they were suddenly against all
the odds pregnant again. With twins. Again. They traded their SUV for
a mini van that could carry their family of seven. They kept Shutter
Bugs red covertible.

The red convertible is old and has spent almost as much time in my
garage as my van has. They need to have two cars and with the limited
budget that comes with five kids, it keeps getting fixed. Its most
recent visit was to have a new engine put in.

During the pick up of the three older girls who had the sleepover
Shutter Bug mentioned that Soccer Mom's hubby got a new van and would
like to give them their old one. Yay! Thank you for the generous offer
to Shutter Bug and Bloggy SIL.

Hubby calls me later while he is picking up his contacts and tells me
Shutter Bug and Bloggy SIL would like to give us the red convertible.
It needs a new home since they have the new van; and the convertible
thinks our of garage as its second home so it would be happy to make
it a permanent home.

I was too sick to care so I said fine. It is a very nice offer. Thank you.

Hubby then tells me the details of the change as he sees it happening.
He will take the red convertible, and I will drive the little green
car. We will keep the van for those times that we need extra room.
(Read this as his car for his band equipment.)

He will take me out driving this coming weekend to teach me to drive
stick and then finally replace the clutch with the new one that has
been collecting dust in our garage since he said the orginal one was
going about five months ago.

Let me just point out here that I owned a motorcycle for years before
divorcing Ex Husband. So even though I have never driven a car with a
manual trans, I am not a stranger to driving stick.

Ok, so back to car saga. I am not sure I want the events to unfold as
Hubby thinks they should. I am not sure I am willing to give up my
monster for the little green car.

Is my monster ready for retirement? Yes. Have I talked about getting a
small car again like the one I gave up to get the monster? Yes, I
have. Does the monster have more miles on it then the green car? About
50K and getting more every day. So what's my problem right?

It is a two door; I have two kids that I drop off at Daycare everyday
while they are sleeping. Not so easy to do with a two door car. It
also doesn't have remote start. Call me a spoiled brat, but I require
remote start. When the temp is 5- or 102 it is really nice to get into
a car that is neither freezing cold or burning hot with a push of a
button.

But most of all, I don't want to to be them. That crazy red neck
family that passes around cars and never has a decent one. And damn it
I work hard and bring home a good pay check. I deserve to have some
nice things.

To be fair, my beast is only a couple years old. We bought it used
with 23K on it. It was previously owened by a rental company so it was
only 6 months old when we got it. We still have to make 9 more
payments on it and it has 175K miles on it so will have no trade in
value. I get it. I'm hard on cars. I drive 140 miles each day so the
miles add up quick. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't have a car I
like.

I am not looking for a brand new car with all the bells and whisles. I
am just looking for a car that hasn't been handed down a million
times. I know that by buying a used car that it is in theory a hand me
down, but it is one I chose, not one I get by default.

Update: During my sick time, Hubby and I had lots of time to discuss
this. He has come to understand my concerns and has agreed to give it
more thought. I agreed to drive the little green car a few times to
see if I fall in love with it like I did with the rental car I had
while the trans was being replaced on the beast.

Either way, I am going to continue to drive the beast for a few months
while the dust settles and we make a final decision. At least one good
thing came out of being so sick.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Much Better Now

I just want to say sorry to anyone who read the garbage I posted yesterday.

I'm not sorry that I wrote it and posted it. I stand behind the
emotions and thoughts that were posted. I do have a problem with the
delivery though. I know for future reference not post what I write
when I am running a 102 fever.

As you can tell, I started the post before I got sick and was
coherent. Everything after the first paragraph was written in snatches
of time between cleaning up and comforting kids.

The kids are back to their crazy selves and jumping on daddy as I
write. I am still sick, but no longer feel like dying would be
preferable and less painful. Coffee is once again my friend so all is
right in my world.

Hopefully the cousins who slept over were removed before they were
infected with whatever knocked us on our butts.

Tomorrow I will post about the merry go round of cars that evolved
while I was too busy puking to head it off at the pass.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Sickness and Hating Hubby

Last night the kids had a three of their cousins over for a sleep
over. Yay right?

Nope. This morning Buckaroo started the party by puking.

I can handle this. Hubby is sleeping and the kids are hungry so I
start making breakfast. Then he pukes again.

Ok. Send Angel Cakes back upstairs to wake up daddy. Again.

Kids everywhere. Angel cakes tells me her stomach hurts. Yes, baby;
I'm making breakfast.

Clean up more puke. Go upstairs and wake up Hubby.

Wonderful. Angel Cakes starts puking.

Tell Hubby to call the cousins parents. I can't handle one kid puking
and one with it coming out both ends and three extra kids.

Yeah, why would I mind you telling them not coming to get their kids
for an hour and a half?

Don't mind me while I clean up and comfort the kids. You just
concentrate on the other kids.

Fast forward a couple of hours and too many bowls later and I start to
get sick.

Yes, I completely understand why you have to leave to pick up your
contacts. There is no reason to stay here while we are running a fever
and throwing up. You could not possibly pick them up another day.

Clean up again and again. Sleep for 45 blissful minutes before getting
woken up by a puking kid.

They have kept water down for an hour, so make some soup for dinner.

What the hell was I thinking? Of course your old band could not
possibly play tonight if you don't bring the drum riser and stay to
watch the show.

Go. Have a good time. I know; I am the lucky one. I get to stay home
and comfort the kids and clean up while we get sick.

--
Sent from my mobile device

I Wanna Be A Grown Up Again

I normally stay as far away from mirrors and cameras as I can. I hate the way I look.

Ok that sounds a lot more dramatic then it really is, but I haven't liked the way I look for the last couple of years. Since I gave birth to my son really.

I don't want to see the extra pounds I gained and never really got rid of. The lines and bags under my eyes. How when I look in the mirror and don't see the cute 20 something woman my husband fell in love with, and instead see my mother.

I don't have a lot of time for myself anymore so I don't get my nails done every week anymore. I don't do my make up on a daily basis, my hubby and co-workers are lucky if I do it once a month. To say I've let myself go is an understatement.

I started wearing body spray years ago, back when I used the corresponding body wash and lotion. I still use scented body wash, and couldn't do without my scented lotion on my desk, but no don't use all three together every morning anymore.

I started thinking a few months back that I haven't had a bottle of perfume in years. That kinda floored me because I always wore perfume growing up. I had my everyday going to work stuff, and then different ones for at night and going out.

How is it that I am going on 33 and no longer own a single bottle of perfume? This is just wrong and needs to be corrected!

It’s also time to get my hair cut! Gone will be the hair down to my waist. Instead I will be sporting sassy new shoulder length hair that I can actually do something with. I have been blessed with very thick, easy to manage hair, which grows fast. So I share it. Once a year or so I donate my hair to Locks of Love. I've done it almost every year since I was a teenager.

Is it something I am going to continue to do? I'm not sure. It really is a commitment. After my hair grows out of its short sassy style I tend to lose interest in doing things with it. I don't have the time. I end up just putting my hair in a pony tail, or pulling the sides up in a clip. A few weeks ago I bought a couple of head bands. I couldn’t stand them growing up and thought I would give them a try again as something different. They weren’t horrible so I was wearing them nearly everyday. Everyone told me how they great it looked; they loved my new hair style.

Then one day last week I ran to the bathroom to quick throw on some makeup and got a really good look. I looked like I was 5 years old. I was putting on makeup because I was surprised with an interview with someone for the open position in my department. HR finally put the ad in the paper and we have had lots of interest. We are very selective so the applicants only get an interview with my manager and me after a rigorous vetting process. My manager forgot to include me on the meeting request so I had 5 minutes to make myself look presentable.

I take the interviews very seriously because this is someone I will be working with constantly even after they are done with training. I am also of the mind set that this is really going to be their first real impression of my company. Most of the applicants have worked in the industry long enough to know my company by reputation if nothing else, but this is their first real experience with us. Maybe it is just me. Maybe most people don’t think that way, but I do. I care. Anyway, that was a wake up call for me. It made me realize how little attention I have been paying to my appearance lately.

We are going to be filling the position left vacant by the death of my supervisor also. When my hubby asked what we were going to do with the position a few months ago I could tell he was asking me if I thought I had a chance. At the time, I told him I didn’t think so. I didn’t think I had the experience they were looking for and all the internal politics that would take place if that happened.

Then the Vice President mentioned that they have some ideas for what do to with the position, but didn’t give any details. I would love to think that I am going to be considered for the position, but I’m not sure. Do I think I am capable of it? Absolutely. Does the Vice President, Treasurer, and so on love me and my work? Why yes they do. But we are making so many changes to the department it is hard to be sure.

All that lead me to take a good hard look at myself and the image I am presenting. Does it fit with the image the position and company should present? The answer I came up with was no. So I am making changes. Not only because I for work, partially, but not only. I want to look in a mirror and see me not my mom, like the way I look, and feel good about myself.

So here is a plea to you. Any suggestions on a nice perfume? Something readily available, I work close to Chicago, but live in a small town in the middle of a cornfield. Not outrageously expensive, but not a Walgreens special either. Not too heavy, but a good everyday, going to work kind of perfume. And please don’t feel limited to just making suggestions on perfume either. It has been a long time since I have gone shopping or done things for myself.

I will be getting my hair cut next week or so and will post before and after pictures once I do.

A Special Kind Of Crazy

I draft almost all my posts on my BlackBerry. I can write where ever I happen to be or have a spare second. This is all to the good. So why don't I post more?


Because I write and rewrite and edit and pretty up my damn posts so much it takes a couple of days to write a post. But I know you appreciate all my hard work so that makes it all worth while.

Actually I write and rewrite my posts so much and frequently because of my vocabulary. At least once a month my hubby or co-worker will look at me like huh? and ask my to explain what I just said in layman terms. I just use what my Grammy used to call $5 words in conversation. I don't consciously do it. I think in these terms so why wouldn't I use them while talking?

This becomes a problem when I am writing though. I will be typing away and look down to see garbled words staring back at me. I may have a great vocabulary, but I am a horrible speller. I will try to get the spell check and word recognition to understand what I am trying to say. But I normally just give up and have to rewrite the sentence with words my blackberry I and agree on the spelling of.

I am cursed with a stream of thought writing style so I write exactly what I am thinking. I've tried hard to train myself into a more organized writing style to no avail. So having to edit and second guess everything I am writing just disrupts the flow and then I struggle to get my thoughts out.

This also leads me to just putting the sentences down kinda willy nilly and then I have to go back later to put them in a more cohesive order. Arghhh!

My frustration with this reached a new level today while messaging a friend I haven't talked to in about a year.

I use sarcasm as a matter of course. It is just how I talk. It is as much a part of me as my blue eyes. Between fighting to spell stuff right and editing my thoughts, not hearing the tone in my replies, there was quite a few times I had to go back and explain what I really meant.

At one point I actually told him that he got out of the habit of putting everything through the 'Jaime' filter. As in take a moment and think about what I'm saying\you're reading and think about what you know of my personality. Then you will understand what I was really trying to say and how I meant to say it.

It makes it very hard when I meet new people. They don't have a 'Jaime' filter so most of the time I feel like they don't really understand me or what I am trying to say. I end up editing myself more and then something in the whole conversation just seems lost.

I really envy those who can get their thoughts across in type as well as they can in person. Maybe someday I will become one of them.

A girl can dream right?

A Glimpse Into My Weekends

Angel cakes will be starting kindergarten in the fall. Wait. What? Wow! That really is a scary statement.

Like many parents with children this age, we have the magnetic letters and numbers on the fridge. We play a game where we create words and work out the phonics and definition of the word. Then change a letter or two to make new words.

She decided she wanted to play this weekend while I was making breakfast. We started out with ick, which morphed during play into ucky. I should have seen it coming at this point, but I didn't.

I heard her say that she wanted the pink letter so I turned to see her new word. I was suddenly too busy cooking to do the phonics and define the word. But not before snapping a quick pic with my phone to share with you and blackmail her with when she becomes a teenager.

That should have served as a warning to how my day was going to go, but it didn't. My amazing powers of observation were still waiting for the coffee to kick in.

I got started on the Mt Everest pile of laundry that is a week worth of clothes for my family. Quick sort for stray toys and shoes that inevitably find their way in, and throw a load in the washer, and back to making breakfast.

I get about half the clothes into the drier when I see this white stuff on the clothes. Thinking it is just a stray piece of paper I missed, I shake the clothes off and keep going. Wrong! I pull out a pair of Buckaroo's pants that suddenly weigh 5 lbs. A pair of pull ups was stuck in jammy pants sent home from Daycare. Ok everyone with me now..... Ewww!!!!

I have to assume for my peace of mind that they were clean and dry when he took them off otherwise they would have been thrown out right? I mean she has never sent home a pair of pull ups before, but they had to be clean right?

I pull all the clothes out shaking them off as best I can. Spend half an hour cleaning all the little gel pellets that they put in diapers to make them super absorbent out of my washer and drier. Disinfect my drier and run the washer three times with bleach and soap getting more little pellets each time before attempting to wash the same clothes again.

During this experience, because it really is an experience; I keep hearing the Lonestar song Mr Mom run through my head. 'Pampers melt in the Maytag drier.' I can't help wondering how they got to the drier with out this crazy mess.

Look at the clock; its not even 10 AM and it has been a Fucky day. Think to myself, this is why I drive 70 miles each way to work and back.

Hangs Head in Shame

I just found out my MOM had a blog before I did!

Ok it is for her custom jewelry business....

Yes, I'm kinda proud that I have a mom that is savy enough to have a blog....

But really!? My Mom?

I think I must hang up my blogging aspersion since my mom got one before I did.

Ok, I really won't give up on blogging, but now I really must watch what I say around her lest she find my blog and want to read it.