Crazy In The Making

Things My Kids Taught Me

2010-04-22T17:01:00.000-05:00

‘Oh no! The scary Graveyard of Dooom!’ Angel Cakes piped in from the back seat as we drove past the tiny cemetery in town. In case you are wondering like I was, it is the ‘Graveyard of Dooom’ because they might come back as ghosts. Yes, it can happen at any cemetery, not just ours.

This prompted a whole discussion about people dying and how they are buried. I’m sure it is because she heard me tell Daycare Lady that I am going to the wake today and funeral on Friday. It was just so sweet when she asked if she could go to the funeral with me because I was going to be sad and she wanted to be there to give me hugs to make me feel better. It took all my will power not to pull the car over and snuggle her close.

Buckaroo asked if he got to say goodbye to Great Grandpa when he died. Of course he didn’t because I was pregnant with him at the time. He got the saddest look on his face. Great Grandpa was hurting because he is dead, and that makes him sad is what he told me

Lesson learned? Don’t talk about death and funerals in the car. You can’t reach over and hug your kids until they scream they can’t breathe if you do.

Firing Mr Easter Bunny

2010-04-03T13:51:00.001-05:00

I was all set. I don't like to fill the kids baskets with candy. I put
a little candy in, but put other stuff and let them fill their basket
with the candy from the eggs they find instead. We still have candy
from their Christmas stockings so they really don't need a whole lot
of candy that will eventually get thrown out.

When I went to Target on lunch a couple weeks ago to buy my swimsuit I
stopped by the dollar section, because how can you not? I bought two
coloring books, two buckets of chalk and two little journal notebooks.
I ordered the kids Pokiman sleeping bags when they had them on
Kids.woot.com for $5 each, just add $5 for the shipping. I was feeling
pretty proud of myself. Three weeks before Easter and the Bunny was
set for the budget price of $21. No, that didn't include candy for the
eggs, but that would come closer to Easter.

Two days ago I got home and Mr Easter Bunny told me that Angel Cakes
saw the sleeping bags. He had taken the box out of my car and left it
in the middle of the garage. Thinking quick he said that they were for
their two boy cousins, but it meant there was no big present from the
Easter Bunny. I was not amused!

Back to Target on lunch on Thursday. I got the candy for the eggs, and
new baskets because their old ones are well old. I spent a few minutes
in the toy section before heading over to the craft section. They got
little buckets of play doh with 4 colors and animal shapes cutters,
packs of 12 additional colors, giant coloring books (Hello Kitty and
Transformers) and little pots of washable paints. Total bill? $84. Ok
$40 was for candy and baskets, but the other $40 was needless. And I
don't think the paints, coloring books, and play doh will have quite
the same reaction the sleeping bags would have.
So yep, I was not amused and almost ready to fire Mr Easter Bunny at
that point. Almost, but not quite. Then I found out that since he has
a show with the National Band that he won't be home until about 4Am.
So Mrs Easter Bunny will be up till all hours of the morning getting
things ready, filling and hiding eggs, and then have to be up at year
crack of dawn when the kids get up to start the hunt. Then I get the
pleasure of cooking and getting everything we might need ready to go
to Bloggy SIL and Shutterbug's house for Easter lunch. Thrown in
bathing the kids and myself, while rousing him out of bed, so we can
be out the door by 12:30, and you have an unhappy Mrs Easter Bunny and
a FIRED Mr Easter Bunny.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Black Hole Of Time

2010-03-25T17:50:00.001-05:00

Facebook. Need I say more.

I swear when you log in to Facebook you are really logging into a
black hole of time. You log in thinking I have five minutes to kill,
blink your eyes to clear the glassy haze and realize you have been on
for hours. You didn't do much, checked in with a few friends, waded
through your requests, and maybe checked the status of your farm,
zoo, mafia, fish, or whatever. How can that take so many hours?
I logged on this weekend to check the status of people I know and care
about, some of them I don't talk to on a daily basis, others I just
want to see what funny shit they were talking about today. I scrolled
through the page to see everyone's updates and realized that I didn't
see one update from the people I logged in to check. What I did see is
a bunch of people I haven't talked to see middle school, game updates,
and people I don't know, but added to get a better score on a game.

I did what I have done for the last year, went up to the top and
searched for them in my list 500+ friends. After searching for the
third person I realized how ridiculous it truly was. I don't play the
games anymore, why am I still friends with all these people? I don't
care about what they are doing, we haven't formed a lasting
friendship, we just used each other to get better at a game. I should
just delete them.

So began the over two hour process. No, I am not kidding, I only wish
I were. It took me that long to weed out all the game people, friends
of a friend, etc. I know I ended deleting a few people I will have to
add back because I deleted them in the frenzy, but I am down to a nice
reasonable 47.

While I had a little time yesterday, I logged into the site on my
laptop instead of using my phone. I was tickled to see my main page
full of information from my edited list of friends. I saw in the right
corner I had over 87 gifts and requests. I used to play a couple of
games that generate lots of gifts or requests for gifts. I open it and
click ignore on almost all of them and respond to a few others. I
returned to the main page and refreshed the main page because it took
me 45 minutes to wade through the requests. I didn't have my mouse,
just the stupid touch pad, and got distracted a couple of times. Don't
judge me. Look in the corner to see how many requests I left to deal
with later, there were over 87 more! Thinking that the page just
didn't update correctly, I refreshed it again. Nope there are really
more. Same process three more times and there are still 87 new items.
All new items each time. Yes, I blocked the apps that are generating
all these items, they are the back log of requests.

I had the app on my phone for the longest time, but I wasn't using it
so I removed it. After this week, I decided to just download it again
so I never have to log onto the full site again to see the requests
taunting me and can't suck me into the black hole of time.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Time to Sing

2010-03-11T20:56:00.001-06:00

You can tell spring is coming to my Midwest state. It seems like
everyone is writing about it. Why? Why yesterday and today over any
other day? The snow is gone! Seriously, this is a big deal. Yes, the
snow has melted off before but this is different.

This time there isn't a threat of it coming back within a week. There
are still dirty piles of snow in parking lots, but we can see the
grass that has been hiding underneath. And just not tiny patches
between the mountains of dirty ice covering snow, it is full fields in
all its brown muddy glory. The weather has been getting to a more
reasonable temperature also. We have had a few days of rain that
herald the start of the rainy season.

We pride ourselves, hell, we wear our ability to survive the cold,
snow, fog, wind, traffic, and snow plows on our sleeves like a badge
of honor. But even the most seasoned veterans and die hard fanatics
have their limits and we have reached it. It got up to a balmy 58
degrees today with low 50's predicted for tomorrow. It is a damn heat
wave as witnessed by people walking around without coats, just short
sleeved shirts today.

Yes, the days are getting longer. It is barely light when I leave the
house instead of pitch black. Even staying almost 2 hours late it is
still light when I leave. Sunday brings the time change and while
losing an hour of sleep is not something I am ever excited about, I am
looking forward to it.

The kids are filled with energy just looking for an outlet. Last night
I got home even later then usual after working two hours late,
stopping at the grocery store, and finally Subway for dinner. They
only managed to get halfway through their sandwiches and apples before
subcumbing to sleep a full two hours earlier then usual. Oh, the magic
of spending a few hours out in the fresh air.

Even I who was never a fan of spring, I have always greeted it with
indifference as I am more of a fall girl, am not immune to it's charm.
I walked into my gas station this morning to be greeted by bouquets of
fresh flowers. I forgot how much I missed having fresh flowers
everyday like I had in the days before moving to a cornfield. There
was a fabulous florist right down the street from my apartment where I
would get flowers from at least once a week. I couldn't resist
spending $15 dollars on six roses and some daisies. Did it gall me to
spend that much? Of course it did, but I had to have them! I even shed
my winter coat and opted instead for just my camisole and blazer
today.

Driving into work I saw a flash of red out of the corner of my eye. I
turned to look and saw an old Dodge Charger in mint condition behind
me. Nothing makes me go all gooey like old muscle cars. I may live in
a cornfield now, but I am not a country girl. I have a soft spot for
Hubby's old big red truck, but don't go gaga over trucks. I grew up
within spitting distance from an amateur race track. Buying a old
rusted out muscle car and fixing it was a right of passage for all the
guys. Girls were judged by what type of car their boyfriend had.

Turning out of my parking lot tonight I saw one sports car after
another followed closely by motorcycles. Yes, spring is most
definitely on it's way and today was too glorious a day not to revel
in it. Rain be damned.

Hope you enjoyed a wonderful prespring day! Smooches

--
Sent from my mobile device

What Do You Mean They Don't Come With Manual!?

2010-03-09T18:34:00.001-06:00

I was prepared to never have a night sleep again. Dirty diaper? Kids
puking? I can handle that without batting an eye. Trips to the
emergency room? Yep, I got the tee shirt. I got through the first five
years without asking for a manual. I got cocky. I thought I could
handle anything. So my kids decided to take me down a peg.

Last night as I was sorting through Buckaroo's clothes and Angel Cakes
asked me, 'Mommy, what does early mean?' Easy question to anwser
right? If you said yes, you have never tried to explain it to a five
year old with no sense of time. It took me three tries to come up with
an example she could understand. She finally got it when I said that
if I say she will get a bath after dinner, then give her a bath before
dinner, that she got her bath early.

This morning I was putting on my socks and shoes before putting on
Buckaroo's jammies when he woke up. He looked over at me and said,
'Mommy, my pee pee grew!' And pulled down his underpants to show me
his morning friend. I was at a loss. What do you say to a three year
old? He understands that is private, and that we don't show it off,
but he was just being three and trying to understand the wonder of
this.

He has also reached the why phase. I think Angel Cakes handled it best
this morning when he asked why for the fifth time.

AC: Hey! It's foggy today.

Me: Yes, it is.

Buck: Why is it froggy out?

AC: Not froggy, it's foggy.

Buck: Why is it foggy? Sissy, why do you like the fog?

AC: Because it makes it look pretty.

Buck: But why? You can't see the moon. I like the moon. Why do you
like the frog?

AC: *exasperated* Because I just do.

Buck: But why is it froggy?

Me: Well it is getting warmer and the snow melting causes the fog.

Buck: The fog causes the snow to melt?

Me: No, the snow melting causes the fog.

AC: I saw a movie and it had fog in it.

Me: You did? What happened in the fog?

AC: Well, it was a scooby movie. And it was about the legend of a
pirate called Red Beard.

Me: Really? What happened?

AC: They caught him, but he really wasn't Red Beard's ghost.

Me: Oh? Who was it?

AC: Just a guy who liked to dress up and scare kids.

Me: That's not very nice.

AC: No, it wasn't. He was a bad man. He went to jail.

At this point we pulled up to Daycare and I sighed in relief. That
was a lot of talking for a two minute drive at 6 AM with not even a
sip of coffee.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Chronicle Of My Night

2010-03-07T07:27:00.001-06:00

9:00 PM: Angel Cakes joins Dream land

11:30 PM: Buckaroo finally settles down for the night. And so do I.

2:00 AMish: Hubby comes home and I briefly wake up when he kisses me.

2:30 AM: Buckaroo wakes up and tries to snuggle with me but first we
have to find his under pants so he can put them back on.

3:.00 AM: Angel Cakes wakes up and needs somethings to drink. Normally
I would say no, but I know she has the same cold I do that makes your
throat feel like sand paper. Snuggle her and we go back to sleep.

6:00 AM: The kids are fighting over who gets to sleep on my tummy. I
move and we all settle down again.

6:15 AM: They are up and ready to play. I lay dozing.

6:45 AM: I hear them both in the bathroom. They are arguing over who
goes potty first. I hear 'Go get Mommy!' I was already up and at the
bathroom before Angel Cakes clears the doorway. Buckaroo had an
accident on the floor waiting for Angel Cakes.

7:20 AM: Yell at Buckaroo for crushing cereal on the floor and Angel
Cakes for trying to a head stand on the couch.

7:25 AM: Cradle my cup lovingly in my hands. Stare into it's sweet and
creamy depths willing it to cool down enough to take my first sip.

It's going to be a wonderful day. :D

--
Sent from my mobile device

Earthquakes and God

2010-03-03T19:17:00.001-06:00

I should have known last night that today was going to be a hard
morning for Daycare drop off. After bath time the kids and I snuggle
on the couch and watch a movie or one of their shows. This is our time
for bonding, decompressing, and talking. I treasure this quiet time
with them.

Buckaroo wasn't ready to snuggle when Angel Cakes and I came
downstairs from her bath, and that was perfect because Angel needed
extra snuggles. She was snuggled on my lap watching TV so I grabbed my
Sandman book by Niel Gaiman and started to read. She hopped off my lap
long enough to grab her bible before running back. She asked me to
read to her so I put aside my book. The irony of this was not lost on
me.

I opened the bible and started reading at random. I had barely read
one passage when she turned to me and started to talk.

AC: Did you know there was an earthquake in Chile today?

Me: Yes, I do. How did you know? Did you talk about it at Daycare?
(Today was a preschool day and some times they talk about world
events)

AC: No, they were talking about it on TV. It is all over the news and radio.

Me: Yes, it was. I heard about it on the radio. *looking at her sad
face* It's very sad huh?

AC: Yes, it is. Then I had an excellent idea.

Me: Yeah? What was your idea?

AC: We should pray to God for them. (The preschool program is a
Christian program so they talk about God a lot and praying is okay.)

Me: That is an excellent idea. What should we pray about?

AC: We should ask God to help them and watch over them. He can help
the kids find their mommys because they are probably scared. And he
can help the people who are hurt.

Me: *giving her an extra tight hug* Those are really good things to
pray for. I'm sure God is watching over them. He watches over people
every where. He may not be able to directly help the people who are
hurt, or kids that need to find their mommys, but I am sure other
there are people who live there that will help. God gives us doctors
and police men, and others to help us. That is why it is important
that if you see someone who needs help, and you can, that you should.
God can't be here on earth with us, so we have to allow God to guide
us, because he might be guiding us to someone that needs help and God
can them through us.

AC: You mean like if our house gets on fire that the God is using the
fireman to help us?

Me: Yes honey, exactly like that.

I wish I could say that I told her that she doesn't have to worry
about earth quakes where we live, but she heard enough about the small
quake that happened about 30 miles away last month to know that isn't
true. I am sure that is why this one has her so upset. She hears and
understands enough to be scared, but not enough to really understand.
She was pretty sleepy so I just cuddled her extra close until she fell
asleep.

She was extra clingy this morning so I think I will see how she is
before I bring it up again. I don't want to make a big deal about it.
If I do will it feed into her concerns and allow them to take on a
life of their own? I do want to make sure that she knows she knows she
doesn't really have to worry about it though.

Parenting is just hard!

--
Sent from my mobile device

Too Tired To Blog

2010-03-02T21:10:00.001-06:00

That is how I have felt for the last couple of days. I'm getting sick.
Again. This time it is only a cold, but it is kicking my butt. I am
not sleeping well and Hubby and the kids have woken me up every night
this past week. Long hours at work combined with a little broken sleep
make me cranky and ready to fall asleep at my desk. Maybe it is just
the cold medicine though.

It really sucks that I am training two people this week full time. I
know I am missing giving them important information, but I can't seem
to make myself care. I have a review scheduled for the entire
department this week and don't know how I am going to do it. I haven't
started on the material I need for Thursday AM yet. I will have to
stay after they leave tomorrow to create it I guess.
I wrote a cute post Sunday, but it is in the blog waste land. I think
it found a nice sock to run away with and start a family. Seriously I
have no idea what happened to it. I wrote it in email like I always do
and just had to insert a picture before posting it. I logged out and
went back in later and it wasn't there. It isn't in my draft folder,
sent items, out box or in box. It is like it never existed. This all
happened before I started the cold medicine so it isn't like it is a
medicine induced delusion. I really liked the post and want to share
it with you, but I am just too tired to rewrite it at this point. I
still have the pic in my email to remind me, so maybe some day soon I
will write it again. Or maybe it will just go into the void that is my
To Do List. Who knows at this point.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Never Alone

2010-02-27T12:50:00.001-06:00

The only time I have with my thoughts is when I am in the car making
the million mile drive to or from work. Any other time involves being
followed, hearing my name shouted, anwsering all sorts of questions,
or trying to run away, which leads us right back to the followed. I
once thought in my post partium induced delerium that I thought I
would find a small measure of peace and quiet time at work. Just an
another example of what all those happy hormones can do to you.

I also had grand delusions about being alone in the bathroom at some
point again. I have come to understand this will never happen again.
You leave those days behind the moment you give birth. Not even at
work is this possible. They either follow me into the bathroom or come
in and call my name to track me down. Yes, this really is a corporate
office. If I happen to be working from home for the day and everyone
is either at work or Daycare; the damn cat will follow me in to whine
at me while I have no choice but to be a captive audience. This is my
lot in life and I have come to accept it for the most part.

Was I surprised when Buckaroo came trailing into the master bath when
I was getting ready to take a shower? No, this is part of that
acceptance I was talking about. I just went about my business while he
dragged all the pillows off my bed and ran to get his blanket so he
could be comfortable as he waited between the tub and the shower for
me to finish. I had just stepped into the shower when I heard 'Mom,
it's taking a long time.' I just laughed as I stepped under the spray.

Buckaroo was done waiting in his nest of pillows and blankets so went
off to get the toys from his bathtub to play with in mine. We had
little converstions as he ran in and out bring all his toys. Once all
the toys were in my tub he wanted a bath. I told him over the curtain
that he would get a bath in his tub when I was done with mine. More
little snips of conversation as he had to run in and out again while
bringing all his toys back to his bathroom.

I was putting the conditioner in my hair when Angel Cakes had to join
the party to tell me brother broke something glass in their sink. I
told her to tell Daddy who was downstairs about this recent
development since I was in the shower. Out she runs calling for Daddy.
A few minutes later Hubby comes in to tell me that Buckaroo broke the
porcelain cup to my dragonfly bathroom set. Why it was in the kids
bathroom is beyond me, but is is now broken. Wonderful! Wash my face
and I am finally done with my shower. Angel Cakes hands me my towel
and I get out. That was a long twenty minutes.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Ready for Whiplash?

2010-02-25T07:24:00.001-06:00

So I feel like it is time to introduce you to the love affair that
Hubby has with his music. Please grab some pain killers, fasten your
seatbelts, and keep your arms and head inside at all times. I
apologize in advance, but assume no responsible for any headache or
whiplash you suffer by reading this. If by some chance this post makes
your head explode, I will send s really nice arrangement to your
family. If I thought it would make it easier to understand I would
use the bands real names I would, but trust me is wouldn't make it any
less confusing. So I am going to refer to the bands only by their
initials.

Hubby is currently in three bands. Yes, you read that right three.
There is Band A (seriously, I can never remember the name so it is
Band A) Band TS is his second band and is just getting off the ground.
Band C (I don't know if it even has a name) is a band of proffesional
musicans who only book corporate gigs or weddings.

Band A has been an area band for a few years and he was asked to join
when the former lead guitar player left. He has been with them for
about 6 months or so and they play two or three shows a month. They
practice every Tuesday night Band TS was formed with the lead singer
of Band S (which Hubby was in) that self destructed after she turned
down an opportunity to go to Nashville to record a demo for a major
label. She has a young son (a few months old at the time of the offer)
that she was reluctant to put through that craziness. They just got
the last person in and are looking to book about one show a month They
practice every Monday night. Band C is a loose assocation that plays
together whenever they have a show, no practice because it is all
songs they could play in their sleep.

He was in two (I think it was only two) other bands during the last
year and is no longer with them. Band S self destructed after they won
the New Band Of The Year from the Area Music Industry and the singer
turned down the demo offer. Band UKW he was with for a few years and
they used to practice at our house. He left because of personality
conflicts with the singer and they just weren't booking many shows. I
was not sorry. No more way too loud practies while I was trying to
work or the kids were trying to nap.

Do you have a splitting headache yet? No? Ok, well let's continue then.

He has had several offers in the past few months from other bands. One
offer came from Band SH. When we first started dating, he dreamed of
playing with them. They were an up and coming band and he thought it
would be the perfect band to get back into the music screen again and
he could go places with them. When they called, he turned them down.
He wasn't willing to leave his current bands for what he now sees as a
stagnant band.

Enter Band TM. This is the one that is on the edge of going National,
but currently play about a five state radious consistently. There
every move is coordinated and approved through the agent. They have
shows almost every Friday and Saturday night. The other members of the
band don't have day jobs because they don't need to. They never have
practice because they don't need to. He sent his demo to them 4 months
ago and never heard anything. He was introduced to them in person a
few weeks ago when they played at our local bar\club. Remember? Yeah,
them.

Well they emailed him the other night and the agent called him today.
He is going out next week to practice with them, but he is booked for
three shows in March with them!!!! They didn't promise anything past
that since they haven't played with him yet, but OMG!!!! All the shows
are Friday nights. One of the shows is about 200 miles south of us.
Since they won't be done playing until 2:30 AM, the agent has arranged
for a hotel for the night, completely paid for of course. If things
work out with TM he will quit the other bands, both because he will be
under contract and he wouldn't have the time.

He was conflicted about the email because there weren't any details,
and he has come to think of the singer in Band TS as like a sister. He
hates to leave her when the project they dreamed up together is just
getting off the ground, but how can he refuse this offer?

Things are definitely looking good and it seems like all the hours and
nights away are starting to pay off. I couldn't be happier for him
since I know this has been his dream. A dream he wasn't free to
concentrate on during his prior marraige. For all that I bitch and
complain about his bands, it is a dream I have always tried to
support. So think good thoughts for him that the next month goes well.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Conversation with Angel Cakes

2010-02-23T21:28:00.001-06:00

The following conversation took place tonight with Angel Cakes.

AC: Mommy! I got to be a mommy today.

Me: You did?

AC: Yep. Daycare Lady had to go downstairs and I got to watch the baby
and she didn't even cry! (The baby is 18 months old.)

Me: Wow!

AC: Yeah, she had a string with a balloon tied to her ear and she
pulled on it and I think she tore her ear a little.

Me: Why did she have a string with a balloon tied to her ear?

AC: Because she has holes in her ears with hoops.

Me: *stern voice* Why did she have a string with a balloon tied to her ear?

AC: Well the air was coming out.

Me: *seriously concerned now* Who tied it to her ear?

AC: Daycare Lady's daughter.

Me: Did she get in trouble? That is really dangerous and you should
never do that. Baby could get really hurt.

AC: No, she didn't get in trouble.

Me: *Thinking yeah, that is pretty much par for the course* Well that
was really naughty.

AC: You are a better mommy then her. She would have been in really big
trouble if you were her Mommy.

Me: Yes, she would have.

AC: If you were Daycare Lady you would have a lot of kids.

Me: Yep.

AC: You would have Daycare Lady's daughter and son, me, and brother.
And me and her daughter could be like twins. We both have curly hair
and when I get older you won't be able to tell us apart. (Daycare
Lady's kids are 9 or 10 year old twins.)

Gotta love the twists and turns a conversation with a five year old
takes. Kinda reminds of of some bloggers I know and love. :)

--
Sent from my mobile device

It's Potty Time

2010-02-22T06:26:00.001-06:00

We don't have the over or under fight in my house anymore. Instead you
hear phrases like 'Bring toilet paper with you.' This is one of the
most commonly heard phrases around my house followed closely with
'Mom, Can you bring me some toilet paper please?'

No, we don't expect people to bring toilet paper when they come visit.
We are more then happy to supply it. We just don't keep toilet paper
in the bathroom anymore. After walking into the bathroom to an
overflowing toilet more times then I care to remember in the last
three months, this is what we resort to. My house is only 4 years old
and it has had enough toilet paper shoved down its drain for 50 years.
I only wish I was kidding. I couldn't understand why I was having to
buy a 12 pack of toilet paper every two weeks. There are only four of
us, we are gone most of the week, how do we go through so much toilet
paper? My kids think it takes half a roll of toilet paper to get clean
after going pee.

What upsets me so much is they just keep doing it and don't tell me.
They just keep trying to flush the toilet and I am only alerted to the
problem when I see the water on the floor heading to the hallway. So
now if they go to the bathroom they have to ask for toilet paper. I
HATE it!!!! My kids are too smart and too old for this, but we are at
our wits end. We have tried talking to them, putting them in the
naughty corner, taking away toys, and even tried having me standing in
there to make sure they don't use too much. Everything will be fine
for a few days or maybe a week, and we think we are past it, and then
it happens again.

There is just something about waking up in the middle of the night
when you really have to pee and finding the toilet full of water and
ready to overflow to start your day. Thankfully we have two other
bathrooms that haven't experianced this phenomenon. We know we are
going to have to bring a plumber in just to make sure there are no
clogs in the drain even if we don't have any more overflowing toilets
for the next year, but I would prefer it not to be an emergency call.

Don't worry, we intend on having the plumber out real soon so you
don't have to worry that if you flush it might overflow, and we put
toilet paper in the bathrooms when we have company so if you visit you
won't have to beg for toilet paper before you go. Unless you are my
sister in law who flooded my toilet in my apartment almost 8 years
ago; you, I still don't trust.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Angel Cakes On Babies

2010-02-21T08:34:00.001-06:00

Following is a conversation I had with Angel Cakes this morning.

AC: Mommy, if Kitty had babies we could give them away.

Me: Yes we could.

AC: Why didn't you let Kitty have babies?

Me: Well we would need a Daddy kitty, and we don't have a Daddy kitty.

AC: Well you know Angel,
Daycare Lady's white dog? She's a girl. And she had babies for like
one day and then Daycare Lady gave them away. :Sad face: And Sandy
Daycare Lady big tan dog? Well, she's a girl.

Me: Yes, they are.

AC: Well since Angel had babies and they are both girls, you don't
really need to have a Daddy dog to have babies.

And that kid logic is the perfect way to start a lazy Sunday morning.

--
Sent from my mobile device

I'm Fat

2010-02-19T20:29:00.001-06:00

I place the blame squarely on the shoulders of my gas station where it
rightfully belongs. Yep, the muffin top hanging over my pants is not a
result of my lack of will power or my inactivity. It is Lance's fault
for introducing me to the Vienna Cream Danish.

Seriously they are evil. I bought one on a whim a few months back. I
took a bite out of its flaky crust and the slightly sweet creamy
filling exploded on my tounge. I was hooked. I had to have more. One
day against my better judgement, I read the nutritional information on
the back and then wished I hadn't. These amazing danishes have 240
calories. Oh wait, that is for half of it. This means I either have to
develop some will power or share the other half with a friend, and let
me tell you that sweet goodness is all mine! So I actually ignored
them for a few days.

Then they started putting them in a basket right by the coffee pots.
Seriously, how can I ignore them when they are right next my love, my
lifeblood, my reason for getting my ass out of the house in the
morning? Now I know they are out to get me and being fat is all Lance
and Pat's fault. I try to tell them they are mean and sadistic but
they just smile and laugh because they know I will be in tomorrow to
get my fix. If by some miracle I find a way to ignore the danishes,
they know I will still be in every morning to get the amazing
addiction that truely rules and powers my world.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Naught corners are the place to be

2010-02-18T20:42:00.001-06:00

I am not cheating today, I am giving you a special post here and I put a different one on my other blog because I am such a giver. :)

If you are wondering my about my other blog address you will have to do what Barista did and ask nicely. I will send you a link through email.

In other and more interesting news.
Buckaroo has been getting into trouble at Daycare lately. He seems to be saying all the four letter words that tend to slip out of grown ups mouths when there are young impressionable kids around to parrot them back later.

He went to the corner today for saying Shit constantly. When Daycare lady talked to him about it the following conversation ensued:

Daycare: That is a very naughty word. You have to go to the corner for saying that.
Buckaroo: I know. I get in trouble for saying it at home to.
Daycare: So why do you keep saying it if you know it is naughty?
Buckaroo: Because it's fun to say.
And then he went to the corner with a smirk on his face.

Yeah, I am in big big trouble come the teenage years. My kids are going to make me look like I was an honor student which I know you will be shocked to find out I was not. :)

Hi Everyone

2010-02-17T20:52:00.001-06:00

I'm back! Did you miss me? Of course you did and that is why I am back. I took a break and have been posting on my other blog that I was able to download an app for my blackberry so posting and updating is super easy. Anyway, I am back here be popular demand.

While I was away I did keep an eye on my stats and everyone seems to suddenly looking for or finding me here. So quick shout out to my new friends\readers from Moscow and other places through out the world who have been stalking my blog. Welcome to my special kind of crazy. Thank you for stopping by again and again and again. :)

I will begin updating here on a more regular basis starting tomorrow. Who knows, I might cheat and steal some of my posts from my other blog just to catch you up on my life while I was away because I know you can't go on living your happy lives until I do.

Smooches!

Blogging

2010-02-08T14:55:00.000-06:00

I think reading someones personal blog is like reading their diary. You are reading their inner most thoughts and feelings. You get little glimpses into their lives, you don't always see the whole picture, just little snatches in time that are captured and frozen. It is also just their side. The person they are writing about has the option of commenting on the post though. I am talking about blogs like this, not the ones people write for entertainment or publication. I have no problem with blogs like that, I read several everyday.

In my case, it is what I am feeling at exactly that moment, right or wrong. I write as a way to cope. It is my way of analyzing and understanding my feelings. It helps me understand what is going on and allows me to see if I am being irrational. I don't write for my readers with very few exceptions. This is my space to write what I want when I want without worrying about offending someone. This is my form of therapy.

It is for that exact reason Hubby and my best friend don't read my blog. They know I write one, but understand and respect that it is my space. They know that if I want them to know what I wrote about that I will tell them about it. We have a conversation about it and they express their thoughts and feelings. People like Barista, who I have come to think of as a friend comment on my blog, others email me to express their thoughts. Either way is fine and I appreciate their insight.

I know I am putting my diary out for the world to see. It is a choice I made when I created my blog. I put my thoughts and feelings out there and refuse to take a post down once I post it. It is for that exact reason I don't post everything I write. Some things are just too personal. Somethings I don't want anyone else to comment on or discuss.

My blog is not my way of keeping the world updated on my life, it is my journal. My way of keeping sane. So if I have offended you at some point it was not my intention, but I refuse to change it.

Yay! More Training

2010-02-03T19:02:00.001-06:00

I have a short early morning training planned for the department
tomorrow. We have an hour and a half to cover three topics. Boss Lady
had me set the itinerary, create the handout material, and exercises
for the associates since this is a hands on training. This is not the
first time I have done these things, but it is the first time without
any support or input from her at all. She didn't even reviewed the
adgenda before I sent it to print. I finalized the material late this
afternoon and received the printed material about an hour before I
left.

I have trained a lot in the last year and know the key to a good
training session like this is the prep. I went down to prep the room
we will be in and found that someone scheduled a last minute training
until 5 PM. He has the room after us tomorrow as well. I went back to
my desk to finish prepping the material and realized I forgot to
create a document. Twenty minutes later I sent that to the local
printer and made the thirty copies I need.

Tell Boss Lady I am going to drop off the material and check the room
on my way out. We chat for a few minutes and then she drops the bomb.
Our IT support staff will be sitting in the training and so will the
VP, Senior VP, and Teasurer. Ummm, ok.

Get down to the training room to drop off my stuff for the morning.
The guy left his stuff all over. I can't test the projection screen
because his stupid laptop is still hooked up to it. Damn it! I have to
assume it works. Clean and organize the room the best I can before I
turn my attention to the computers. I hard reboot half the computers
because his people are still signed into them but I don't care at this
point. I mean this is just rediculios. One of the other computers I
boot up to test displays an error message, a hard drive failure is
eminent. Really? I don't need this shit. Next two computers boot up
nicely. Third one, black screen. Check all the connections, moniter is
functioning, reboot again and still nothing. Can I catch a break here?
No, IT is gone for the day. They don't start arriving until half an
hour before my training starts.

I'm going home because there is nothing else I can do tonight. I hope
to have a relaxing night and to sleep well so I will be ready to takle
anything else that might come up tomorrow. Wish me luck.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Interviewing Woes

2010-02-02T07:41:00.001-06:00

I can't believe I keep forgetting to tell you.
Boss lady and I have been interviewing people for an open position in
my department. We inteviewed enough people for the position that I
write notes of my impressions once I am done with the interview just
to keep them all straight. Last week, or was it two weeks ago? We
interviewed a lady I loved! She would be a perfect fit. Enough
technical experiance to need a minimum of training, very personable,
independent enough not to need baby sitting; she hit all my key
points. After I interviewed her it was time for Boss Lady go in to
form her opinion. I went home since it was late and hubby had band
practice. I was tempted to call Boss Lady on the way home and tell her
to hire this women right now, tonight, I want to start training her in
the morning. Boss Lady came by my desk the next morning as soon as I
got in to find out my opinion. She was tempted to call me after she
finished the interview because she felt the same way.

The director of our new system put the same system in at the company
that was her last long term position. This is a company that my
company have a very symbiotic relationship with; they buy from us and
we buy from them. We gave her name to the director to see if he
recognized it, but he never responded, so we assumed he didn't. We got
approval from the powers that be, and had HR get started on checking
her references. Since we have such a great relationship with this
other company, HR called them also even though it was three positions
ago. Damn good thing they did. Turns out not long after the other
company implemented the system, there was a scandal in the AR
department. We knew some of this from the director, but it was kept
very quiet. Yeah, so this lady that we were so excited about; not only
was she involved, her and her mother-in-law were two of the
instigators.

The funny part of all this? During the interview she constantly
referred to her job at the other company and how highly they thought
of her. She also mentioned to both of us that she was the person
responsible for applying my companies payments. She was obviously
aware of our relationship, but for whatever reason didn't think we
would call them. So let the interviews continue.

The temp who all but called me a liar is going to be let go. There
have been enough problems with his work and attitude that we decided
that he is more of a hinderance then help. I was able to reach in my
file of people we interviewed and find someone that we liked, but
didn't feel would be a good fit for the position we interviewed her
for, but she would be great for this other position. So we are putting
in the request and hope her references check out.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Hair Update

2010-02-01T20:18:00.000-06:00

I look in the mirror and see a stranger. I am still really upset by
how short it is vs what I asked for. Leaving that aside, I had a lot
of reactions from people at work. My hair is the latest gossip I
guess. Every one is so used to seeng me with long or shoulder lentgh
hair after I've donated it, that this caused quite a stir today.

I had several people that heard others talking about my hair or seen
me walk down the hall stop at my desk to comment on it. They are
people I say hi to in the hall or see in the elevator, but don't
really know or work with. The extra attention feels pretty good
because everyone has such positive things to say, but it also makes me
more conscience of how short it is. Adding to it is that I didn't do
anything with it today.

I woke up 15 minutes after the time I normally leave. Since my hair
was washed three times yesterday, I didn't wash it today before
running out the door. I washed it in the shower before leaving for the
salon, they insisted on washing it again at the salon, and I washed it
again when I got home yesterday. So out the door I went with my new
slept in hair. I didn't even run a brush through it before I walked in
the door at work. It does get points for that at least.

I had a few people tell me they liked it, but I could tell it was more
the obligatory nice then the genuine nice. It was mostly from the
people who loved my hair long and threatened to cut it off for
themselves though. There were more compliments where they were so
shocked you could tell didn't realize what they were saying or seeing.
My favorite one, that makes me smile every time I think about it came
from my twenty something coworker as she was walking in the door. When
seeing me walk down the hall, she first had to call out my name to
make sure it was really me, then said 'It actually looks good!' I
laughed so hard, you could tell she didn't mean it the way it sounded,
she was just so shocked.

I was prepared for the mixed reviews, what I can't believe is how many
people asked me what my hubby thought. You could tell some were
concerned that Hubby would hate it, but the others were the ones that
made me laugh. Their tone implied that I would need his approval to
get my hair cut this short. I really hope I don't talk about Hubby in
such a way that all those people didn't think he would be anything but
supportive of anything I do. Yes, we have our fights and he can be an
inconsiderate jerk sometimes, but so can I. I may hate him and his
bands at times, but there are just as many times as he hates me and my
job. Its called being married. More then anything we love each other
and support each other.

I don't think I will know his true opinion on my hair for months.
Right now he knows I am too upset and need him to be loving and
compliment the shit out of it, because there really is nothing I can
do about it until it grows out some. So he will continue to let me put
my head on his chest and whine that I want my hair back. He may tease
and say that he is my bitch now that my hair is shorter then his, but
only when I am already laughing.

Damn it, how did this post go from all about me to being about him?
Anyway, I am still going to give it a few weeks for me to get
accustomed to my hair and learn to do something with it, and then
maybe I will feel brave enough to post a shot of the front. I will
make a decision when I am not PMSy. Now where did that chocolate go?

--
Sent from my mobile device

A Special Thank You

2010-02-01T12:11:00.000-06:00

It occurred to me that I have blogged a lot about my kids, work, my hair, etc, but failed at the most important post. A few months back I wrote a post about work (yes, I see you're shocked) and asked for help. That request was answered as it always is by a special blogger, Barista at Saved By The Brew. She gave me great advice. It has been in the back of my mind since and I don't think I would be considered for the postions I am without it.

She helped me find a way to relate and work well with my boss. The requested lunch never happened but we are at each others desks constantly now, talking about the department, bouncing ideas off each other, and asking each other for help.

Barista has also been my biggest supporter. She always leaves me funny or thought provoking comments, or just a comment to let me know that some one other then me is reading my drivel. I know others are out there lurking, and that is okay to. Have you read her blog yet? Well why the hell not? She is fabulous! She gives little updates through out the day that are just what you need when you need a quick break. She writes with a honesty that leaves me in awe. Her unique way of writing about everyday life will leave you eagerly awaiting her next post.

That's not enough for you? Well she also bakes the most awesome cupcakes. I swear I am jealous of all the people who live in Atlanta and can have her cupcakes whenever they want. Honestly, I have asked my boss on several occasions to send me down to our warehouse there just so I have an excuse to go down where I can get my hands on her cupcakes. Okay, I totally didn't mean that last sentance the way it sounded. I do want cupcakes in all her tempting flavors though.

So while I don't have a great shiny award that you can post on your blog, I do want to say thank you. Thank you for being here, for reading my blog, writing your blog, and being the fabulous person you are. You have made a great impact in my life. You are a very special person and I feel truely blessed by knowing you. I look forward to reading about you finding the wonderful and special man who deserves you and will give you the babies you will be an awesome mother to. How could I not also mention I want to be the first to know when you find a way to ship your cupcakes!!!!

It's Gone

2010-01-31T21:06:00.001-06:00

I didn't make it to my appointment on time, but my hair is still gone.

Here is a before picture from about a month and a half ago.

Long and flowing

We spent some time pouring over books discussing different styles. I wanted something wash and go with a minimum of fuss. Something that would suit my natural curls. A style that would look good messy or sleek. A little above my shoulders, I don't think I look good with the short pixie look. She partitioned my hair off into five different pony tails so she could take 12 inches off on each side.

Here are the pony tails that were cut.

The cuts were made; there was no turning back.

They don't look like much laying there. It is hard to imagine that I was completely surrounded when I wore my hair down. We chatted as she cut and styled. I sat in her chair for over an hour as she fussed, measured and snipped at the back. The more she cut the less I talked. I finally couldn't take it anymore and asked her to stop with the back and to please do something with the front and sides. I kept wondering why I didn't wait for my normal stylist, another day or two wouldn't have killed me. She knows me, my hair, and the styles I like. I was willing to give this girl a chance though.

Finally she was done cutting and I was reserving judgment until I could see the final style. She grabbed her round brush and blow dryer and went to work. I told her that I was going to post pictures on my blog of before and after. She understood and said she would give me an easy cute style that while I might not do everyday, is good for when I want to do something a little different. Perfect.

A little mousse, okay I can handle that. A little wax, maybe not something I would do every day, but okay. A little pomade, this getting a bit much don't you think? I was going to have her take the after picture in the salon because it never looks the same once you put your coat on and drive home. Then she turned me around for the reveal.

I swear I could have submitted a picture to the Bumpits and they would have called me within seconds of receiving it. Problem was I didn't have anything in my hair to make it that damn poofy. Not the style I was looking for. I couldn't help fingering it, trying to push it down a little and immediately wanted to wash my hand. My hair felt gross!

Walk in the door and Hubby being the wonderful supportive hubby, told me that he liked it. I took off my coat and ran upstairs to wash the crap out of my hair. I had to see if I could style it into something a little more me. I felt much better when my hair was once again clean and I could stand to touch it again.

Hope you are ready, here is the after shot.

No, that is not a picture of my son. My reaction was OMFG!!!

My first reaction is that I hate it, it is way way shorter then I said she could. I am going to give it a few days before I really make a judgment though. Not that there is much I can do about it now. I might go in to have my normal stylist see if she can do anything to make the front and sides match the back a little more, but anything else will have to wait a while. I am going to be shocking people and myself for weeks to come either way.

Extra points to Hubby who keeps telling me how cute it looks, and how it shows off my beautiful bone structure. I know he is saying it because it is part of his hubby duties, but he says it and says it often, so he gets the extra credit.

Jammies and Coffee Make My World Spin

2010-01-31T09:33:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a lost day. You know those days where you are busy all
day but get nothing accomplished? Yeah, that was my day.

I swear I did like five loads of laundry, cooked a million times,
cleaned up toys time and time again, and dealt with tantrums. I look
around this morning and you can't tell I did anything yesterday. There
are still toys all over the place, laundry to be done, meals to cook,
tantrums to deal with. To add to that, I was so busy yesterday I never
got a chance to work or get my hair cut. So those two things will be
top of my list today. My salon opens at ten, and I have an appointment
to be there when they open.

Angel Cakes had a complete melt down last night because her 'absolute
favorite' jammies no longer fit. They haven't fit for over a year, but
last night it was the end of the world. She loves the 'slidey' type,
the one piece that have slipper feet and zip up. Her favorite ones are
pink and have little puppies on them. I promised that I would go to
the store today to look to see if they have them in her current size.
During the end of the conversation about jammies (after the promise to
buy new ones) she also asked if we could go see Aunt Baby Girl and her
baby. And when we go, can we stop at the coffee and doughnut place?
Can she get a cup of water and ice? And maybe see if they have the
little munchkins that she like? Oh, I can get a cup of coffee also. I
love how she added the coffee to justify the trip; she knows the way
to Mommy's heart.

I just want to throw in here that I know I coddle my kids. I know I
give in too easy sometimes, but don't care. I love that my kids will
come running to me through the day and ask to be picked up and know
that I will almost every time. They climb on my lap almost the minute
I sit down (after they ask of course) and then are gone again a few
seconds later. I love those little stolen hugs, kisses, and snuggles
through the day. That they feel secure in my love and know that I will
always be there when they need or want me is the most important thing
to me.

There is only a few short months for Angel Cakes and one year for
Buckaroo before I send them off to school and they will have to learn
that not everything turns out perfectly like in the movies. They will
have to cope with the little disappointments that can happen and I
want them to know I will always be there. That no matter what, they
can always come to me with their problems and I will always listen,
dry their tears, help them understand, and maybe find a better way. I
know that I won't be able to fix everything for them, but that isn't
going to stop me from trying. When I can do something as small as
looking for new jammies (which she needs anyway) I will do it every
time. There are enough times that I say no, so I rejoice in the times
I can say yes.

It's time to wake up Hubby so I can shower and get to my appointment
on time. Here's hoping things go the way they are supposed to and I
can post before and after pictures in a little while.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Randomness and Childishness

2010-01-28T22:33:00.001-06:00

I swear my beast is possessed. Either that or it is trying to make me
think I am crazier then I really am. One of the three. It was 3- today
and half of my vents are blowing hot air and the other half are
blowing freezing cold. It has dual controls, and so I thought that
maybe the controls in the back were set to cold and it was somehow
over riding the front controls, so I turned the passenger side off.
Mess with the controls some more and suddenly that side is blowing hot
even though it is set in the middle. It is just messing with me now.
One minute hot, one minute cold. Kinda like me when I have PMS. Okay
that's it; the beast has PMS. Glad we figured that out.

In other randomness during my day, I appearantly work with a couple of
children. I have always had my suspicions, they were confirmed today.
One of my best girls took over some my accounts when another girl
left. I had concerns about putting her in the position because I
feared there would be personality conflicts with one of the ladies in
the credit department she would have to work closely with. They proved
me right.

Yesterday my girl went to credit department because she had a
question. There was a misunderstanding and both of them got upset.
These things happen, they both vented to me and I didn't worry about
it, I thought it would blow over. Today they were still holding a
grudge and each had a chip on their shoulder. There was another
misunderstanding and then they refused to talk to each other. They
would send someone else to ask the question. They were finding the
littlest thing to be upset about.

At one point my girl came over to ask about an account and then asked
me to go talk to the person in credit about it instead of asking her
damn self. I looked at her and asked 'Are we back in grade school? We
are playing the interpreter game?' She understood, but like a child
would, immediately blaimed the other person. They still weren't
talking to each other when I left for the night, we will see how
tomorrow goes.

In other childishness; I had my temp basically call me a liar because
he was trying to deny doing something. He tried to tattle on someone
else, but guess what? It was him. Our new system allows us to track
every movement they make in the system. He misapplied a check and then
denied doing it, even after I offered to show him how to check who
applied it. I told him yesterday to correct it and it was still out
there today. Late in the day he asked me about it again because he was
having problems, still denying that he ever touched the check in the
first place. He didn't deny that his name was on it, instead saying
that he knows systems like our and that things can be changed.
Really?! I swear I looked at him and said 'Yes, that's right. I am out
to get you.' Another example of how my sarcastic nature can get me
into trouble, but WTF is that!? I was just so stunned.

In looking into the problem he was having, I remembered there were a
couple of emails sent between him and I about the check. When he
worked it the first time I was working from home for the day and he
had problems so we discussed them in email. I will admit I got a
little bit of childish satisfaction in showing him the emails to prove
that I was right and he was wrong. They drove me to it though! It was
all their fault.
My final bit of randomness; since it is month end we are working even
longer hours in final push to get all the checks applied. I am not
ashamed to admit I am not above trying to bribe them and hype them up
on sugar to keep the after lunch sleepies away. I went to the store on
Tuesday and bought ice cream bars, more candy for my candy bowl and
twizzler pull and peels and strategically placed them around the
department. I held one of the bags of twizzlers back for later in the
week. I made the mistake of taunting another coworker with them and
opened the final bag. I remember now why I don't normally buy or eat
them. They are evil! I ate one and then couldn't stop. I refused to
share and then ate almost half the bag before realizing it. Evil I
tell you!

--
Sent from my mobile device

Little Changes

2010-01-28T07:40:00.001-06:00

It seems like I have been talking a lot about the changes I am making
to my appearance and at work, but not the real changes I'm trying to
make. I'm working on it. It feels like I am doing what countless
therapists and meetings told me to do, but never really understood. I
am faking it until I make it.

Writing has helped so much with that. It is causing me to really think
instead of just reacting. Reading all the blogs has also helped me
understand what is missing. It helps me get out of my own head and see
when I am over thinking instead of acting. I have always been an avid
reader, and written on and off throught my life. I can look back and
see the times when I was writing poetry and a journal as the times I
was the healthiest. Those were the times I was actually dealing with
the stuff going on instead of just ignoring it. I have been using
books to escape, escape my life and my problems. Yes, sometimes
reading a book puts a little spotlight on the things I am trying to
avoid, but it is easier to brush it off. I can rationalize that it is
just fiction. That no ones life is really that perfect or
unbelievable. Blogs are different, they are real people coping with
real life as best they can.

So I am faking it until I make it. The changes to my appearance are
easier to make. They give me the ego boost that I need to make some of
the other changes. People have seen me as more approachable. It is
easier to start a conversation by complimenting someone, it shows you
really care and opens the door to more conversations. I have been
trying to make a concerted effort to say those comments to others more
instead of just thinking them.

The changes also opened my eyes to the fact that I have been wearing
my parenthood like a badge. As if by people seeing the bags and
circles under my eyes is going to prove what a great parent I am. Yes,
I am a parent, but that isn't all that I am. There is more to me then
my job, but I lost sight of that. They are important parts of my life,
but I have let them define me for too long.

I am trying to think about what I am really trying to say before I say
it. A perfect example I have heard myself say a lot in relation to
work is 'I love finding new ways to cheat.' That really isn't what I
mean, a better way to say that and closer to what I mean is 'Working
smarter not harder.' It is really finding new ways to make the system
work for me instead of the other way around. The system we converted
from was very out dated, we spent a lot of time trying to make the
system work for our business today instead of what it was 13 years
ago. Compared to what we used to do, sometimes it seems like we are
cheating because it is so easy. That just isn't something I should say
around my auditors though because it could get me into a lot of
trouble if they are new and don't understand.

Another thing I am really trying not to say is 'Boys are dumb.' This
has become my catch all for when I am frustrated or angry with Hubby
in paticular. It is a throw away comment that allows me to express
some of my feelings, but doesn't really help anything. It doesn't
really address what I am feeling, which is something I am trying to
teach my daughter to do. I can't really be mad at hubby for not
understanding why I am upset, if I can't or don't tell him and instead
just silently fume about it.

They are little changes that may not seem like much, but they are
helping me learn to be more honest with myself and others which is all
to the good.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Tax Craziness

2010-01-27T18:25:00.001-06:00

I looked at my W2 today and was shocked. I always start working on my
taxes before I actually get my W2 by estimating my gross income. I
have worked for the department for 8 years so know about how many
hours overtime I work each week. Multiply that by my overtime rate,
add that to my base rate, that is my estimated gross income. I have
never been off by more then $200.

Imagine my surprise when I looked at my W2 and it was over $5000 more
then I estimated. Where the hell did it go? I want it back! I looked
closer and saw my taxes withheld was off. Then I remembered. Those
months where I worked 70 to 80 hours a week and didn't really see a
difference in my bank account.

I feel a little better knowing I will get most of it back, but it
stinks that the government got to earn the interest on my money. Now I
can't wait till Hubby gets his W2 so I can file our taxes and get my
lovely refund.

--
Sent from my mobile device

The Best Laid Plans

2010-01-27T07:06:00.001-06:00

I should have listened to my horoscope on Saturday. It told me that it
was the perfect day to get my hair cut or revamp my wardrobe.

Instead of shopping like I planned, I worked. After I finished
working, Hubby and I had a night out since the kids were having a
sleep over at the cousins.

We went to dinner and then to a couple of bars. The first bar we had a
drink, and watched a set of one of his old bands. Talked to everyone
during their break and went to the bar\club in our town.

While talking to one of the bouncers, one of the bartenders came
bouncing up to Hubby with a drink and shots. It was Salsa night so we
settled at the bar and I got to meet some of Hubby's bar friends.

Couple of martinis and shots later while we were outside smoking with
Bouncy Bartender, I made a huge mistake. I mentioned that I wasn't
drunk. Bouncy Bartender took that as a challenge that it wasn't meant
to be. Nothing I said would get her to understand that.

I don't drink to get drunk. A little buzzed maybe, but not drunk. I
use alcohol as a way to occasionally relax a little, an aid to let go
of some of my inhibitions. Two martinis is normally my max. I grew up
in a family of alcoholics and that really is my greatest fear.

Back in the bar, Bouncy Bartender continued to pour shot after shot. I
was okay while she was pouring Bomb Pops, but when she started pouring
other types of shots, I was done.

Hubby told me the next day that at the club I had, 4 martinis, 6 or 7
Bomb Pops, 1 red bull and something shot, 1 shot of X vodka and
something else, and 3 what I was calling mouthwash shots. They were
cinnamon or something and about 150 proof.

Yeah I was bound to get sick with all that. I don't remember drinking
anything after the first mouthwash shot, but according to Hubby I
continued to knock them back.

Hubby did what he should have done the weekend before and took very
good care of me. We left the club at closing and he kept me up until
5:30 to make sure that I was okay because I was so sick.

He left at about 11:30 to get the kiddies and told me to just sleep.
He hung out with his brother and his parents who also came by to give
me time to recover. I crawled out of bed around two. I made myself get
in the shower and get moving even though it was the last thing I
wanted to do. I just wanted to sleep.

Dragged my ass to the salon to find that my stylist closed early. Damn
it, I really wanted to get my hair cut. Since I was already out of the
house and desperately needing a boost, I decided to try shopping.

While getting dressed the night before, I realized that I no longer
have a knock them on their ass outfit. You know, the going out with
the girls and gonna make all the boys drool outfit. I have lots of
clothes, but none that fall into that category or fit the way they
once did. I didn't find it while shopping, but did get two cute
shirts.

Hubby came home with the kids later that night and kept apologizing
for the night before. He felt bad that he let me drink that much, that
he didn't realize how drunk I was. Other then the end of the night
where I got sick, we had a really good night. I got to see the man I
first fell in love with, that has been in hiding lately. He reminded
me why I love him so much and despite everything, still think he is my
trophy husband.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Mini Update

2010-01-26T20:19:00.000-06:00

Tonight was a later night then I was planning, but I am finally home
to snuggle Angel Cakes and she is already asleep.

My manager and I had a couple mini conversations about the job
openings the last two days.

I mentioned to her yesterday that I would like to meet with her next
week about the two openings she emailed me on Friday; that I have some
questions I would like to discuss with her. She responded with 'Okay.
It seems like everything I'm trying to do with you is on hold anyway.
They aren't responding to me.' I have a few guesses who 'they' are,
but don't know for certain. This lead me to think she still is trying
to get the System Admin position for me.

Today, she asked to speak with me and when we got into the conference
room she was asking about my work history. How long I had been with
the department vs my time with Customer Service for the company. Where
I worked before our company. What were my positions. Just basic info,
no real details. Her parting comment to my 'I can dig up my resume
that I updated a couple years ago., was that she might have a copy
somewhere. That she thought she had a week and a half to get this
information together, but now she has a meeting in ten minutes.'
Little while later she said her meeting with the Senior VP and
Treasurer was interupted.

I have no real information, just scraps gathered here and there so I
am still am unsure. Any of the positions I am considering, I need the
approval from the same people. I do feel good that she has at least
started a conversation with these people about me and my career
though. I also let her know that I at least am interested in learning
more about these other positions so she has all the facts to make her
decision and to strengthen her arguement either way.

And since I failed to post my weekend update yet, a mini update on that also.

I didn't get my hair cut yet. I will this weekend though. Between my
shopping on Sunday and yesterday, I bought a new cream colored sweater
that is perfect for leaving at work for when I get cold, or can use to
accentuate an outfit. I also got a beautiful pink and white pinstripe
shirt. I absolutely love pink and my love of pinstripe almost reaches
fetish level.

Yesterday, I scored two new pairs of shoes. One pair of black suede
Mary Janes with patent leather straps and the other suede and patent
leather lace up ankle boots. They kind of remind me of mens dress
shoes, but with a three inch heel. Both of them were on clearance! I
would have paid full price, but love them more because I didn't. Not a
whole new wardrobe, but a good start.

It seems what started as a mini update has turned into a full post. I
will continue to work on my post from the weekend and try to get it
posted tomorrow morning.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Leaving My Babies

2010-01-26T07:27:00.001-06:00

It never gets any easier. I hate leaving them at Daycare every morning.

I miss listening to little feet on the carpet as they make their way
from their beds to mine. The snuggles in bed that start my morning off
right.

I don't get to see the smile on Buckaroo's face when he first wakes up
and is eager to greet the day. How he bounces on the bed because he is
ready to play and knows that tickle time will follow.

My Angel Cakes snuggles a little closer and burrows her head in my
neck trying to stave off the moment we leave the wonderful coccoon of
blankets. Once her feet hit the floor she is a whirl wind of activity,
but she needs the few extra minutes to mentally prepare herself for
the day and wrap herself in the security of our love.

That is how mornings should be spent.

Not jumping out of bed and into the shower before it has even warmed
up. Not chasing all over the house for the missing shoe, and is today
wear blue day or is that tomorrow. Not shoving arms in coat sleeves
and getting frustrated because even in their sleep they know and try
to pull their seems back out because they don't want to go.

That makes days like today more gut wrenching. Angel Cakes was
snuggled up close, wide awake before my alarm went off.

When getting her all snuggled into her bed at Daycare, she looks up at
me with her big blue eyes and asks if I can stay with her a while. 'No
baby, Mommy has to go.' With the quivering lip and tears in her eyes
she says, 'But I miss you. I just wanna snuggle a little longer.'

Work is calling (yes, it is only 6:15 but they still call) and it is
going to be a late night. Give her an extra tight long hug and a kiss
and walk out with tears in my eyes.

Damn! I hate days like this.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Welcome To The Land Of Confusion

2010-01-22T19:12:00.001-06:00

You know that song right? It has been running through my head all day.

That is where I have been all day. Dazed and confused.

I was very excited going into work. This was a big day. My manager was
meeting with the VP to discuss the possibility of my promotion.

It would be the first of many meetings; VP would have to meet with
Senior VP, Treasurer, etc Nothing would be decided today, but still
very exciting first step.

I was blissfully breezing through my morning despite all my associates
asking stupid questions. It's Friday, been a tough week, people are
tired, it happens right?

Wham! E-mail from my manager.

My head spins as I read the title. FW: New ABC Positions (Not the
position I have been drooling over)

Read down a little more. Company is starting a new department. They
need two managers and are looking for internal applicants.

The personal message from my manager reads; 'Just for you to see if
you are interested.'

My heart is in my throat reading the attached job descriptions. Wow!

I'm dazed reading the description, I don't know if I can do this. A
manager position?!

Take a deep breath, and then confusion sets in. What about the System
Admin position?

Guess when it rains, it pours right?

My first thought is to jump online and send a quick post, but check
that reaction.

Ok. So what do I do with all this crazy running around my head? I need
to talk to someone about all this!

I want to jump up and talk about this and everything with my manager,
but know she is pretty much booked solid today. And I have a million
things I need to do to catch up on my desk.

My head is swimming and all the little interuptions from associates
aren't helping.

I decided I would just print the stuff out, go to lunch, decompress,
read it about a million times this weekend, gather my thoughts, and
meet with my manager to discuss it next week. Ya know, the sensible
road instead of the freak the hell out one. Progress right?

To make sure I have every scrap of information I can possibly get, I
hop online and go to the internal job posting board. The information
there is the same sent in the email. Check for info about the system
admin job, doing my due diligence and gathering my scraps, but not
surprisingly its not posted yet.

Quick check of my managers calendar to see when she is available on
Monday. The meeting with the VP is gone!!! WTF?

Quick check of his calendar, (yes, I am a very nosy bitch, but WTF!!!)
and he is scheduled for a different meeting. Ok, I can breath again.

Scan their calendar, it hasn't been rescheduled. Damn!

Land of confusion seems to be my new home.

Still; I brought everything home to review and obsess over this
weekend. I will meet with my manager next week to discuss the other
positions, and maybe by that time I will have figured out a way to
bring the System Admin position into the discussion.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Back from Hell

2010-01-21T18:58:00.001-06:00

I'm back from hell I think. I thought I was better on Sunday, and.even
though my stomach wasn't completely settled went into work on Monday.
Bad move. My stomach revolted Tuesday morning and continued to revolt
until early yesterday.

As of right now I am feeling ok and heading back to my other hell. I
probably should take an additional day to ensure my stomach won't
suddenly decide on round three, but that just isn't an option.

My partner in crime called again. She called in sick yesterday as well.

My manager commented in the past that if I am sick one day that she
will also be sick within a week. Not with the same thing, something
else.

I should mention that even though we are good friends, I am also her
Lead. I am asked to help with her evaluations. I've been up front with
her about this.

That I seperate our friendship for our work relationship. At lunch and
after work we talk about personal stuff, but while at work, I have to
be her Lead over her friend. I don't talk with her about work related
things that stem from my position. Just general things anyone in the
department is privy to.

She wants to be considered the open postion we are interviewing for.
Last week she looked at me like I just beat her puppy when I told her
no, that I couldn't give her my recommendation for the position But
this is why! I tried to explain why to her as best I could, but it is
a very fine line.

And damn it; it's hard!

I know things as a friend that I might not know as a co-worker/lead.

Yesterday she texted me that she went to the doctor on Tuesday, and
the today she said she went yesterday. Get your stories straight girl!

Also, just a tip, don't send me facebook shit, and play on facebook
for 6 hours when you are too sick to come to work! I have mentioned
this to her as a friend before. But each time it keeps happening.

How do I not let things like this impact my opinion of her as her
lead? I haven't mentioned it to my manager, because these are things
that fall into the friendship category. But knowing all this, and the
position she is applying for, I just can't give her my recommendation.

So where is the line? Between friendship and work. At what point am I
doing a disservice to the company and our friendship?

And how do I reconcile them with the promotion that I might (fingers
crossed and holding my breath) get?

As the system administrator I will be responsible for her evaluations
and not just consulted on them.

I want to tell her about the possibility of my promotion, because I
know she would be estatic for me. But it is info that I am privy to
because of my position. Even though I shouldn't know about it.

Damn! What a fucking mess. And I thought I was done with hell for
today at least.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Could It Be True?!?!

2010-01-21T13:53:00.000-06:00

Excuse me while I freak the fuck out!

I just checked my managers calander because I wanted to schedule a meeting and saw a meeting on her calander with my name. Nosy bitch that I am, I opened it.

She scheduled a meeting with the VP to discuss promoting me to System Administrator! This is the position that my supervisor that passed away held.

I hoped to be considered for this position, I just can't belive that it might be a possiblity.

I am scared to hope.

Scared to get excited at the possibility, but OMG!!!!!

Of course I am not supposed to know anything about it, but still!!!!

Freaking the hell out will continue until I hear something different.

Crazy Merry Go Round of Cars

2010-01-21T07:56:00.001-06:00

Let me start with an introduction of the players because it is gonna
get confusing fast and I need it as a cheat sheet for their assumed
names.

Baby Girl: my sister who had the sweet but of nuffin the day before
thanksgiving.

Bloggy SIL: my sister in law of Hubbys side. A fellow blogger and
accidental mom of five.

Shutter Bug: Hubbys brother, married to Bloggy SIL.

Soccer Mom: Bloggy SIL older sister.

Ok. We have all the players I have yet to blog about or name I think.

The crazy car swapping started with Baby Girl selling Hubby her
beloved car about year and a half ago.

Hubby previously drove a big red truck. It had a V8 and got about 14
miles to the gallon. After changing jobs a few times he started at his
curent company where a truck was not required.

Baby Girl decided that she needed to give up her beloved little green
car for a SUV with 4 wheel drive that could handle the hill her house
is situated on when it is covered in snow and ice. Perfect timing, we
bought it and Hubby gave up Big Red.

Shutter Bug and Bloggy SIL found out they were suddenly against all
the odds pregnant again. With twins. Again. They traded their SUV for
a mini van that could carry their family of seven. They kept Shutter
Bugs red covertible.

The red convertible is old and has spent almost as much time in my
garage as my van has. They need to have two cars and with the limited
budget that comes with five kids, it keeps getting fixed. Its most
recent visit was to have a new engine put in.

During the pick up of the three older girls who had the sleepover
Shutter Bug mentioned that Soccer Mom's hubby got a new van and would
like to give them their old one. Yay! Thank you for the generous offer
to Shutter Bug and Bloggy SIL.

Hubby calls me later while he is picking up his contacts and tells me
Shutter Bug and Bloggy SIL would like to give us the red convertible.
It needs a new home since they have the new van; and the convertible
thinks our of garage as its second home so it would be happy to make
it a permanent home.

I was too sick to care so I said fine. It is a very nice offer. Thank you.

Hubby then tells me the details of the change as he sees it happening.
He will take the red convertible, and I will drive the little green
car. We will keep the van for those times that we need extra room.
(Read this as his car for his band equipment.)

He will take me out driving this coming weekend to teach me to drive
stick and then finally replace the clutch with the new one that has
been collecting dust in our garage since he said the orginal one was
going about five months ago.

Let me just point out here that I owned a motorcycle for years before
divorcing Ex Husband. So even though I have never driven a car with a
manual trans, I am not a stranger to driving stick.

Ok, so back to car saga. I am not sure I want the events to unfold as
Hubby thinks they should. I am not sure I am willing to give up my
monster for the little green car.

Is my monster ready for retirement? Yes. Have I talked about getting a
small car again like the one I gave up to get the monster? Yes, I
have. Does the monster have more miles on it then the green car? About
50K and getting more every day. So what's my problem right?

It is a two door; I have two kids that I drop off at Daycare everyday
while they are sleeping. Not so easy to do with a two door car. It
also doesn't have remote start. Call me a spoiled brat, but I require
remote start. When the temp is 5- or 102 it is really nice to get into
a car that is neither freezing cold or burning hot with a push of a
button.

But most of all, I don't want to to be them. That crazy red neck
family that passes around cars and never has a decent one. And damn it
I work hard and bring home a good pay check. I deserve to have some
nice things.

To be fair, my beast is only a couple years old. We bought it used
with 23K on it. It was previously owened by a rental company so it was
only 6 months old when we got it. We still have to make 9 more
payments on it and it has 175K miles on it so will have no trade in
value. I get it. I'm hard on cars. I drive 140 miles each day so the
miles add up quick. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't have a car I
like.

I am not looking for a brand new car with all the bells and whisles. I
am just looking for a car that hasn't been handed down a million
times. I know that by buying a used car that it is in theory a hand me
down, but it is one I chose, not one I get by default.

Update: During my sick time, Hubby and I had lots of time to discuss
this. He has come to understand my concerns and has agreed to give it
more thought. I agreed to drive the little green car a few times to
see if I fall in love with it like I did with the rental car I had
while the trans was being replaced on the beast.

Either way, I am going to continue to drive the beast for a few months
while the dust settles and we make a final decision. At least one good
thing came out of being so sick.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Much Better Now

2010-01-17T18:03:00.001-06:00

I just want to say sorry to anyone who read the garbage I posted yesterday.

I'm not sorry that I wrote it and posted it. I stand behind the
emotions and thoughts that were posted. I do have a problem with the
delivery though. I know for future reference not post what I write
when I am running a 102 fever.

As you can tell, I started the post before I got sick and was
coherent. Everything after the first paragraph was written in snatches
of time between cleaning up and comforting kids.

The kids are back to their crazy selves and jumping on daddy as I
write. I am still sick, but no longer feel like dying would be
preferable and less painful. Coffee is once again my friend so all is
right in my world.

Hopefully the cousins who slept over were removed before they were
infected with whatever knocked us on our butts.

Tomorrow I will post about the merry go round of cars that evolved
while I was too busy puking to head it off at the pass.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Sickness and Hating Hubby

2010-01-16T22:43:00.001-06:00

Last night the kids had a three of their cousins over for a sleep
over. Yay right?

Nope. This morning Buckaroo started the party by puking.

I can handle this. Hubby is sleeping and the kids are hungry so I
start making breakfast. Then he pukes again.

Ok. Send Angel Cakes back upstairs to wake up daddy. Again.

Kids everywhere. Angel cakes tells me her stomach hurts. Yes, baby;
I'm making breakfast.

Clean up more puke. Go upstairs and wake up Hubby.

Wonderful. Angel Cakes starts puking.

Tell Hubby to call the cousins parents. I can't handle one kid puking
and one with it coming out both ends and three extra kids.

Yeah, why would I mind you telling them not coming to get their kids
for an hour and a half?

Don't mind me while I clean up and comfort the kids. You just
concentrate on the other kids.

Fast forward a couple of hours and too many bowls later and I start to
get sick.

Yes, I completely understand why you have to leave to pick up your
contacts. There is no reason to stay here while we are running a fever
and throwing up. You could not possibly pick them up another day.

Clean up again and again. Sleep for 45 blissful minutes before getting
woken up by a puking kid.

They have kept water down for an hour, so make some soup for dinner.

What the hell was I thinking? Of course your old band could not
possibly play tonight if you don't bring the drum riser and stay to
watch the show.

Go. Have a good time. I know; I am the lucky one. I get to stay home
and comfort the kids and clean up while we get sick.

--
Sent from my mobile device

I Wanna Be A Grown Up Again

2010-01-15T11:22:00.000-06:00

I normally stay as far away from mirrors and cameras as I can. I hate the way I look.

Ok that sounds a lot more dramatic then it really is, but I haven't liked the way I look for the last couple of years. Since I gave birth to my son really.

I don't want to see the extra pounds I gained and never really got rid of. The lines and bags under my eyes. How when I look in the mirror and don't see the cute 20 something woman my husband fell in love with, and instead see my mother.

I don't have a lot of time for myself anymore so I don't get my nails done every week anymore. I don't do my make up on a daily basis, my hubby and co-workers are lucky if I do it once a month. To say I've let myself go is an understatement.

I started wearing body spray years ago, back when I used the corresponding body wash and lotion. I still use scented body wash, and couldn't do without my scented lotion on my desk, but no don't use all three together every morning anymore.

I started thinking a few months back that I haven't had a bottle of perfume in years. That kinda floored me because I always wore perfume growing up. I had my everyday going to work stuff, and then different ones for at night and going out.

How is it that I am going on 33 and no longer own a single bottle of perfume? This is just wrong and needs to be corrected!

It’s also time to get my hair cut! Gone will be the hair down to my waist. Instead I will be sporting sassy new shoulder length hair that I can actually do something with. I have been blessed with very thick, easy to manage hair, which grows fast. So I share it. Once a year or so I donate my hair to Locks of Love. I've done it almost every year since I was a teenager.

Is it something I am going to continue to do? I'm not sure. It really is a commitment. After my hair grows out of its short sassy style I tend to lose interest in doing things with it. I don't have the time. I end up just putting my hair in a pony tail, or pulling the sides up in a clip. A few weeks ago I bought a couple of head bands. I couldn’t stand them growing up and thought I would give them a try again as something different. They weren’t horrible so I was wearing them nearly everyday. Everyone told me how they great it looked; they loved my new hair style.

Then one day last week I ran to the bathroom to quick throw on some makeup and got a really good look. I looked like I was 5 years old. I was putting on makeup because I was surprised with an interview with someone for the open position in my department. HR finally put the ad in the paper and we have had lots of interest. We are very selective so the applicants only get an interview with my manager and me after a rigorous vetting process. My manager forgot to include me on the meeting request so I had 5 minutes to make myself look presentable.

I take the interviews very seriously because this is someone I will be working with constantly even after they are done with training. I am also of the mind set that this is really going to be their first real impression of my company. Most of the applicants have worked in the industry long enough to know my company by reputation if nothing else, but this is their first real experience with us. Maybe it is just me. Maybe most people don’t think that way, but I do. I care. Anyway, that was a wake up call for me. It made me realize how little attention I have been paying to my appearance lately.

We are going to be filling the position left vacant by the death of my supervisor also. When my hubby asked what we were going to do with the position a few months ago I could tell he was asking me if I thought I had a chance. At the time, I told him I didn’t think so. I didn’t think I had the experience they were looking for and all the internal politics that would take place if that happened.

Then the Vice President mentioned that they have some ideas for what do to with the position, but didn’t give any details. I would love to think that I am going to be considered for the position, but I’m not sure. Do I think I am capable of it? Absolutely. Does the Vice President, Treasurer, and so on love me and my work? Why yes they do. But we are making so many changes to the department it is hard to be sure.

All that lead me to take a good hard look at myself and the image I am presenting. Does it fit with the image the position and company should present? The answer I came up with was no. So I am making changes. Not only because I for work, partially, but not only. I want to look in a mirror and see me not my mom, like the way I look, and feel good about myself.

So here is a plea to you. Any suggestions on a nice perfume? Something readily available, I work close to Chicago, but live in a small town in the middle of a cornfield. Not outrageously expensive, but not a Walgreens special either. Not too heavy, but a good everyday, going to work kind of perfume. And please don’t feel limited to just making suggestions on perfume either. It has been a long time since I have gone shopping or done things for myself.

I will be getting my hair cut next week or so and will post before and after pictures once I do.

A Special Kind Of Crazy

2010-01-14T09:20:00.000-06:00

I draft almost all my posts on my BlackBerry. I can write where ever I happen to be or have a spare second. This is all to the good. So why don't I post more?

Because I write and rewrite and edit and pretty up my damn posts so much it takes a couple of days to write a post. But I know you appreciate all my hard work so that makes it all worth while.

Actually I write and rewrite my posts so much and frequently because of my vocabulary. At least once a month my hubby or co-worker will look at me like huh? and ask my to explain what I just said in layman terms. I just use what my Grammy used to call $5 words in conversation. I don't consciously do it. I think in these terms so why wouldn't I use them while talking?

This becomes a problem when I am writing though. I will be typing away and look down to see garbled words staring back at me. I may have a great vocabulary, but I am a horrible speller. I will try to get the spell check and word recognition to understand what I am trying to say. But I normally just give up and have to rewrite the sentence with words my blackberry I and agree on the spelling of.

I am cursed with a stream of thought writing style so I write exactly what I am thinking. I've tried hard to train myself into a more organized writing style to no avail. So having to edit and second guess everything I am writing just disrupts the flow and then I struggle to get my thoughts out.

This also leads me to just putting the sentences down kinda willy nilly and then I have to go back later to put them in a more cohesive order. Arghhh!

My frustration with this reached a new level today while messaging a friend I haven't talked to in about a year.

I use sarcasm as a matter of course. It is just how I talk. It is as much a part of me as my blue eyes. Between fighting to spell stuff right and editing my thoughts, not hearing the tone in my replies, there was quite a few times I had to go back and explain what I really meant.

At one point I actually told him that he got out of the habit of putting everything through the 'Jaime' filter. As in take a moment and think about what I'm saying\you're reading and think about what you know of my personality. Then you will understand what I was really trying to say and how I meant to say it.

It makes it very hard when I meet new people. They don't have a 'Jaime' filter so most of the time I feel like they don't really understand me or what I am trying to say. I end up editing myself more and then something in the whole conversation just seems lost.

I really envy those who can get their thoughts across in type as well as they can in person. Maybe someday I will become one of them.

A girl can dream right?

A Glimpse Into My Weekends

2010-01-13T09:14:00.001-06:00

Angel cakes will be starting kindergarten in the fall. Wait. What? Wow! That really is a scary statement.

Like many parents with children this age, we have the magnetic letters and numbers on the fridge. We play a game where we create words and work out the phonics and definition of the word. Then change a letter or two to make new words.

She decided she wanted to play this weekend while I was making breakfast. We started out with ick, which morphed during play into ucky. I should have seen it coming at this point, but I didn't.

I heard her say that she wanted the pink letter so I turned to see her new word. I was suddenly too busy cooking to do the phonics and define the word. But not before snapping a quick pic with my phone to share with you and blackmail her with when she becomes a teenager.

That should have served as a warning to how my day was going to go, but it didn't. My amazing powers of observation were still waiting for the coffee to kick in.

I got started on the Mt Everest pile of laundry that is a week worth of clothes for my family. Quick sort for stray toys and shoes that inevitably find their way in, and throw a load in the washer, and back to making breakfast.

I get about half the clothes into the drier when I see this white stuff on the clothes. Thinking it is just a stray piece of paper I missed, I shake the clothes off and keep going. Wrong! I pull out a pair of Buckaroo's pants that suddenly weigh 5 lbs. A pair of pull ups was stuck in jammy pants sent home from Daycare. Ok everyone with me now..... Ewww!!!!

I have to assume for my peace of mind that they were clean and dry when he took them off otherwise they would have been thrown out right? I mean she has never sent home a pair of pull ups before, but they had to be clean right?

I pull all the clothes out shaking them off as best I can. Spend half an hour cleaning all the little gel pellets that they put in diapers to make them super absorbent out of my washer and drier. Disinfect my drier and run the washer three times with bleach and soap getting more little pellets each time before attempting to wash the same clothes again.

During this experience, because it really is an experience; I keep hearing the Lonestar song Mr Mom run through my head. 'Pampers melt in the Maytag drier.' I can't help wondering how they got to the drier with out this crazy mess.

Look at the clock; its not even 10 AM and it has been a Fucky day. Think to myself, this is why I drive 70 miles each way to work and back.

Hangs Head in Shame

2010-01-11T17:52:00.001-06:00

I just found out my MOM had a blog before I did!

Ok it is for her custom jewelry business....

Yes, I'm kinda proud that I have a mom that is savy enough to have a blog....

But really!? My Mom?

I think I must hang up my blogging aspersion since my mom got one before I did.

Ok, I really won't give up on blogging, but now I really must watch what I say around her lest she find my blog and want to read it.

Why Do They Put Up With Me?

2009-12-31T09:35:00.001-06:00

I just realized that the posts I have been sending by email haven't been posting. Grrrr. I will post them one day this weekend.

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary and I remembered! Ok this may not seem like a bid deal but it really is. Since my first wedding anniversary it has been an issue. I thought it was the 28th instead of the 29th. My husband teased me so much about being a day early that I've made a special effort to remember.

That special effort lead me to be even more confused. It became a mental debate for me. Is it the 29th and I thought it was the 28th or is it the 30th and I thought it was the 29th.

This year I remembered correctly though and I was so proud! I got home and greeted everyone and beamed as I presented my husband with the card that I had loving purchased the day before.

And he forgot!!! My hubby who never failed to remember before, who got me a card and flowers for our day we met anniversary this year, who teased me so much he gave me a complex forgot! It was fabulous!!

It is a going joke at work that at 5:30 every night my hubby will call and ask when I am coming home. When I answer the phone he doesn't greet me or ask me about my day. Instead it is 'When are you going to be home?' He has picked up the kiddies from Daycare and then starts the countdown until when I will be home. This has been going on for months.

I finally got so aggravated with his habit of not greeting me after he did it 4 times one night in an hour and half. I mentioned it that night when I finally got home and it has been hit or miss since.

Tonight when he called he was super sweet. Asking me how month end was going and how I was feeling. Maybe he was feeling guilty about forgetting our anniversary, but it was so nice.

He then nicely asks me when I think I might be leaving. I told him it would be a while since I was in the middle of something. He tells me, 'Well I thought I would take the kids to McDonald's tonight since they were really good today. I just wanted to let you know that we weren't going to be home right away.'

My first thought was, No. You can't. You don't take them to playland, I do. I'm the fun parent. I am such a horrible wife and mother.

I should also throw in a disclaimer that this was probably the only way they were going to have dinner tonight since I haven't gone grocery shopping in about three weeks. My cupboards are bare. I think there is a package of hot dogs and a frozen pizza in the freezer, one lonely box of Mac and cheese in the pantry, and condiments and drinks in the fridge.

Since the kids and hubby are fed and there is nothing at home worth eating, I am stopping at our favorite hot dog place to get a gyros.

I haven't had a gyros in about a year, and hubby loves them so it is perfect. I get my craving taken care of, and get to remind hubby why I am the fun parent in one fell swoop.

Again, I am a horrible wife and mommy. No wonder he forgot our anniversary!

PMDD

2009-12-17T09:08:00.000-06:00

I have pmdd and it sucks!

I was diagnosed about 10 years ago. It is horrible. Between this and my endometriosis I have horrible periods. My mood swings and cramps take pms to a whole new level. I miss work a couple of times a year because I just can't make myself to go in.

Saturday we went to my husband’s extended family Christmas party. We see these people once a year so my husband spends his time talking to his cousins and aunts and uncles he hasn't seen since the last party. It is never a lot of fun for those of us who married into the family, but this year was worse then normal. I was pmsy.

The party started fine and ended with me crying in the bathroom. It is sad when you are in a hall of almost a hundred people and feel alone. But this is what happens when my pmdd rears its ugly head.

I have only met most of these people six times, so we don't have a whole lot to talk about. I spent most of my time correcting talking to my kids. There are about 35 kids from age 1 to 19 so they can cause a lot of havoc. They also tend to run wild because their parents are too busy catching up with each other to pay attention to what their kids are doing.

I am sure I upset a few people in hubby’s immediate family. I was antisocial and pissed off at hubby. I spent half of the party typing an angry post. The rest of the party I was either crying in the bathroom or sulking not wanting to talk to anybody.

Hubby knows about the condition, but hasn't had to deal with one of my really bad times before now. My symptoms have been under control for the last several years. It seems to manifest itself more when I am tired and stressed.

Obviously I have been working too much, not eating so well as noted my attempt at buff-tober, and because I am never home, the kids want to sleep with me so I haven't been sleep well.

That Saturday I didn't sleep well, I hadn't eaten all day and we spent the afternoon running. All that created the perfect storm for my pmdd to manifest. Knowing why doesn't make it better, or any easier to deal with though.

The worst part of all this? I know I am being irrational. I just can't stop it. It is pms on steroids. One minute I am my normal happy self, the next I am throwing things, or crying hysterically. I am locked in my own head with all of these horrible feelings that I can't share. I don't want to share. And frankly I am scared to tell anyone.

I am scared that if I let someone see what is inside of me when I get like this they will know what true crazy looks like. Because in those moments I feel truly crazy. I am not in control.

I don't get violent, except throwing clothes or something soft occasionally, but I do yell. And that scares me. I know that emotional abuse is even more painful then physical abuse. It leaves no marks but causes deeper scars. So when I get like that I just shut down. I would rather internalize, instead of doing that to my hubby and kids.

But that causes a different problem. My kids don't understand why their mommy who always wants to snuggle and play is suddenly distant. That it varies from minute to minute a couple days a month but not the others.

Looking back at other posts and drafts of posts that never made it, I can see that my pmdd is getting worse. That means that the call to my doctor I have been putting off is now a top priority instead of somewhere on my to do list.

It helps to have some place to start though. Knowing that I can tell my doctor that my pmdd is getting out of control again instead of just saying I have been feeling irrational lately and don't know why makes it easier to make the call. It took an episode like I had on Saturday for me to start thinking about my pmdd. It has been under control for so long. that I don't think about it. Is this the only thing going on causing me to feel this way? I don't know. But it is a place to start.

Entranced

2009-12-03T14:38:00.003-06:00

It just occurred to me that I haven't posted in over a week. I have been working on a couple of posts, but neither of them is finished yet.

The idea finally ~~smacked me up side the head~~ came to me that if I write my posts in email I don't have to worry about them going into Draft folder purgatory. And did you know that they made it so you can post from an email!? All these new fangled things, I swear. Yes, I are smart. S-M-R-T.

Anyway, my family is in town so I have been spending all my time with them since we are rarely in the same state anymore. My mom got to town a few days before the new arrival, and will be here until the New Year, but miracles do happen and my brother, his wife, and son were also in town!

I am not a big fan of my sister-in-law. The most recent reason because they almost didn't come into town. She wasn't going to take time off work, but wouldn't let my brother make the six hour drive alone with his son. My brother may not win a father of the year award, but he loves his son more then anything. And since he is a stay at home dad, I think he is capable of making the drive without her. In the end, they did come into town and that is what really matters. My kids got to spend time with their cousin, and I got to see my brother.

I tried to make sure I was giving my nephew the attention he deserved since I only get to see him once or twice a year, but it was hard. Fighting for my attention was this sweet little bit of nothin.

Brandon At One Week Old

I just want to nibble on his little hands.

Tell me you could resist!

He is the last baby of my family, so leaving that aside, and that he is my sister's child, and that I stood by her hospital bed for over three hours in three inch heels trying to bring him into the world, he is just sweetest bit of nothing I have seen since my children were born.

His mommy finally took him away from me since I wasn’t going to give him up. So I traded one sleepy boy for another. My Buckaroo fell asleep almost immediately following him climbing into my lap.

Sleeping Buckaroo

Looking at that picture, I can’t help but see glimpses of the boy and man he will become. Prior to being around my nephews, Buckaroo seemed little. Not little in the sense of height, because he is only and inch shorter then my daughter who is two years older, but little in the sense of young. Seeing him with his cousins, I was just struck by how much bigger he is both physically and emotionally.

I am a little sad to let go of the illusion of him being my baby/big boy and having to start seeing him as just a big boy. I don’t want another baby, or to keep him from growing up, it is just hard letting go of that time in our lives. I know I still have years before he will stop climbing in my lap to snuggle, years before I won’t be his comfort on the same level that his blanky is. And even after those years, I believe he will still run to greet me when I arrive home, and give me impromptu kisses and tell me he loves me; but he is grown up. He is turning into a big boy/little man.

I guess I didn’t pay as close attention to the loss of those years with my daughter because Buckaroo was born and suddenly my attention was split between the two. I had a more gradual realization with Angel Cakes. Watching her grow into herself and the person she will become has been easier because she always seemed older then her age. This is the Sassy Pants who at two told me that we needed to fix the lock on the cabinet because it was ‘dangerous’; it had ’chemicals’ in it. She said these words so effortlessly. When I look back at the pictures from when I brought Buckaroo home from the hospital, I can see what a baby she still was, but she just seemed so much older, more mature then her years.

I spent the time enjoying her and learning how to be a mom in each new phase of her life. With my son, I am more experienced and know that this is the end of those years. As much as I look forward to seeing the amazing children they will become when they enter school and later how they handle the challenges of every day life as an adult, I can’t help mourning for the passing of the baby years.

Day After

2009-11-27T18:43:00.001-06:00

I hurt. From head to toe and everywhere in between. I feel better after the 3 hour nap my son and I had but am paying for it now. My daughter wasn't tired, so I told her she didn't have to nap as long as she had quiet time. Why did I do this? I felt like I was hungover even though I didn't anything to drink. Chalk it up to days without sleep, constant stress and running. So now I get to clean up the huge bottle
Of baby powder that she spread everywhere and played baker with.
I left my house at 6 AM Tue and didn't return until 11 PM Wed. I went to work and then straight to the hospital. They started the pitocen at 9 PM Tuesday night and I didn't leave her side until I was leaving to go home. My mom and her husband were useless.

They were upsetting and stressing her more then they were helping. I was ready to send them out of the room if they didn't stay quiet. Instead of encouraging her and telling her how good she was doing, they kept telling her that she would deliver any minute. They were telling her that for over two hours. Her pain meds had started to wear off at 8 centimeters and she wanted to push. I calmed her down and talked soothing to her and she wouldn't let go of my hand.

When it came time to push finally she was tired but came through like a champ. Her husband counted for her while I encouraged her and helped her push. It took about an hour and then her beautiful son was born.

I finally came home knowing that twenty people would arrive at my house at 2 PM. My husband did what he could, but he had the kids to deal with so there was lots left to do before I could start cooking.

My day started at 6 AM and everything was done and food was in the oven when the seven other kids decended on my house with their parents and grandparents. Just having nine kids makes for a loud house, but of the nine kids six of them were five and under.

I was kept running by making sure the food was cooking properly and everyone had everything they needed. I am sure I wasn't the best hostess, but it had been a long couple of days. I think I was entirely justified in getting a little upset a few times. I like fresh naked bread as much as anyone else, but not when you try to cut it on my counter with nothing under it! I mean fucking really!? And is it too much to ask that you occasionally pay attention to your kids? If they are shreeking at the top of their lungs and you don't say something, don't get upset when I or someone else does.

As much as I deserved, needed, and probably should have had a drink, I didn't. I was scared that without the coffee I started drinking Tuesday morning and hadn't stopped drinking since I would fall on my face in exhaustion. Everyone was shoved out the door to their respective homes by 8 PM and my house was asleep by 9.

Perversely, I am looking foward to going into work tomorrow so I can relax. I don't even mind that I will again be up at 6 AM on a Saturday to do it.

new arrival

2009-11-25T22:25:00.001-06:00

A sweet baby boy was born at 7:39 PM. He is a little bit of nothing at 6 lbs 2 oz, but has the legs his mama doesn't at 20 and a half inches long.

Mama is tired after 22 hours, but is resting well. She did amazing! I feel honored to have been there and to give what comfort I could during such a stressful, wonderful time.

It was gut wrenching to leave my sister at the hospital but I am heading home to see my family after a long couple of days to clean and cook in preparation of having 20 people at my house tomorrow.

All I can say is that I feel trielt blessed and have more to feel thankful for then can ever be expessed.

Waiting

2009-11-25T08:29:00.001-06:00

I am at the hospital waiting. My sister was induced last night so we spent the night waiting. I refused to go home with my mom and her husband because I didn't want her to be alone and I glad I stayed. I think she is glad I stayed.

So we are playing the waiting game. Waiting for her husband and mom. Waiting for her to dialate. Waiting to go change my clothes.waiting for ANYONE to show because I haven't had a cigarette in over 12 hours and I don't have a patch on!

She is at one and a half centimeters so it looks like it will be a long day. I will update later when I have news.

my promise

2009-11-22T12:10:00.001-06:00

Why did I start blogging? This is been brought home to me since I mentioned my blog to my sister in law who promptly asked to read it.

I started blogging to get out of my own head. I never intended my blog to be something I would share with my family. It was going to be a place where I could write whatever I was thinking or feeling without worrying about what people thought. I also wanted to connect with people outside of my circle of family and work. I have a few people I consider really close friends, but not a lot.

I feel like I lost the ability to connect with people outside of these areas. It was once as natural as beathing to me. I would meet someone and within an hour I knew their life story. Now I don't know how to put myself out there enough to form that bond. I feel like I come across as prickly, and hard to talk to.

What changed? I don't know. Maybe is was getting pregnant and being on restricted bedrest. Maybe it is a combination of working too many hours and driving so far that I no longer have the free time to do things and just get outside of the house.I spend my time at work running from person to person or sitting at my desk trying to do eight hours of work into the two hours of time I am left between interuptions. This doesn't leave a lot of time for socializing. When I am at home there is dinner to make, baths to give, and kids to put to bed. Hubby and I don't much chance to talk about things that aren't related to our schedules, I work too much, he has commitments with band, and the kids. This has become our life.

I am not sure if I am suffering from a different form of depression then I dealt with as a teenager, or if it is just I am too introverted. Is the depression causing me to be introverted or is it something else?
I am not a big fan of taking medication given my family history of drug and alcohol abuse, but if it will help I'll do it. I understand the science behind mental illness and that it is easy to treat with medication, that is not my issue. I have seen therapists at different times of my life, most recently when I was divorcing ex husband and believe that it can do a lot of good. I just don't know how to fit it into my already too crowded schedule.

And to be honest I am scared. I don't want to admit how screwed up my life is right now. I don't want to admit that I know I am being irrational sometimes, but I feel powerless to stop it. So I thought I would start a blog to get all of this out, to see if that helps before I call a therapist or start a medication.

But I haven't written about it. I have let my fear and insecurities stop me from using this as the outlet I intended. My need to coonect with people has given me another excuse to not put myself and all my messy icky feeling out there. People want funny and entertaining, not my fucked feelings right? Well that isn't working so I guess now I need to do the hard part and really stop lying to myself about what I need and feel. I am not going to rush to make an appointment with a therapist, but I am going to start blogging for me. To get all the crap out of my head.

I am also not going to share my blog address with my sister in law. Its not that I don't think she will understand, I think we could become really great friends if I let us. But that I am not strong enough to share that much of myself right now. So I will call her more to just hang out and blog about the things I am not willing to share with my family and friends.

I am going to hit post before I lose my nerve and delete this or regulate it to my draft file. Sorry if I offend anyone going forward.

Happy Birthday Angel

2009-11-19T14:22:00.000-06:00

Happy birthday sweetheart!

I can't belive you turn five today.

It has been five years since I waddled into the doctors office for our last check up. Even before you were born you refused to conform to anyones expectations. You put us on notice that any plans we made were subject to your approval. I will never forget the look on Daddy's face when the doctor said you were going to be born today instead of the following Monday as planned. It was a cross between excitement, wonder and fear. I just laid on the table freaking out for a minute. Excitement at finally seeing your beautiful face waged war against the overwhelming fear I felt. In typical Mommy fashion after my initial freak the hell out, I calmed down and waited to finally meet the wonderful baby girl who turned my world upside down and inside out.

It has been a year of many changes and you have grown so much.

You are still my studious girl who can't wait to start school next year.

Who isn't afraid of bugs and loves anything outside.

Who does things her way! Who says you can't garden in a bathing suit?

My beautiful ballarina.

Who rides on two wheels.

You will never cease to amaze Daddy and I. We love you more then anything!

Crazy Days In Sight

2009-11-13T07:51:00.001-06:00

Today is going to be a hard day. On my calendar is the System Conversion Recognition lunch. The lunch is the companies way of saying thank you and we will get an award to show how fabulous we are. While I do think those of us who poured our souls into it and put our lives on hold to do the project deserve it and a whole lot more, I am not sure I want to go.

This is supposed to be a celebration of all we accomplished. A way to let go of some of the tension and craziness that comes with putting thirty people in a room and working seventy hour weeks for months on end. Others rotated in and out to complete their portions or as we needed them, but for thirty of us, that room was our home. We saw more of that room and each other then we did of our homes and families.

This lunch was rescheduled due to the untimely passing of my supervisor Debbie. She was one of the thirty. She was the heart and soul of this project for my department. The last time the remaining twenty nine of us gathered it was at her funeral.

This lunch was sent out as an open invitation to anyone who worked on the project. A total of about one hundred or so of us. I just am not sure I am strong enough to go. I am not sure I can go without reliving the loss of a great friend and unofficial mentor. How will I feel when I see the others celebrating and laughing not possibly not understanding what this lunch means to those of us who worked so closely with her and still keep expecting to see her?

I keep hearing her voice in my head telling me to go, that we deserve this as she did so many times throught the project. My manager who also worked on the project will not be going. She is encouraging me to go also. If Debbie were here I would go without hesitation. I guess I just don't know if by going I am honoring or betraying her memory.

Love Letter

2009-11-11T18:13:00.001-06:00

Dear November,

Just when I think I am ready to end the on\off love affair we have, you give me a morning like today.

I was done with you yesterday. Not the I'm mad at you and gonna sulk until you pay attention to me done. Not the I just need to be mad for a while and then I will get over it done. Completely done!

Done with the adjustment to day light savings time. Done with your one day warm, and the next freezing. The crazy busy schedule that comes with every day another birthday or holiday. But most of all done with the fall cleaning. The cleaning that my husband feels is necessary every November because we host a birthday party and Thanksgiving just weeks apart.

Cleaning that means every inch of the house has to be taken apart and scrubbed. Not just the obvious places and things. I mean taking everything out of the cabinets, scrubbing the cabinets, washing every dish even though it was just washed the prior day before it is allowed back into the now pristine cabinet. Washing all the windows and walls!

The satisfaction that comes when we are done pales to the amount of time and energy expounded becuase within a day the toys have crept back into the family room, and the dresser drawers are a mess again from the kids pawing through them looking for clothes. I know the carpets will have to be steam cleaned again the morning of the birthday party or Thanksgiving. Not because they are dirty, but so they look just right when people arrive.

I allowed my aggrivation with cleaning, crazy schedules and stupid traffic blind me to your beauty November.

The beauty that comes when even though the trees are mostly bare, the ground is carpeted in leaves. The way the sun just coming up takes up the entire horizion as a red ball without being blinding. When fog shrouds the fields and appears to soften everything it touches.

November, I love the smell of apple pie baked with apples picked fresh from the orchard. The love and the laughter that comes when the entire family is gathered for the holidays. You may not blanket the ground in snow and make everything look pristine like December does. However, you do give us days when we wake up to frost covering our windows and the ground, but at lunchtime we can go out without a coat.

So November, my sweet November, I am not done with you. Even though I get moody and may not like you every day, I will miss you when you are gone.

Boys Are Dumb!

2009-11-09T09:55:00.002-06:00

My husband drove my van this weekend.

I HATE when he drives my van!!!!!

I know we only bought the damn thing because he needed something he so he can transport all of his equipment to shows and back; but I still hate it. I will spend the next week getting everything back the way it was. He is only 5 inches taller then I am, which is enough to mess up everything.

I had it easy with my ex husband. He was over a foot taller then me so other then pushing the seat all the way back, he just flipped the rearview mirror up. As in flipping the little switch thing that you do when someones lights are blinding you. He didn't mess with anything else.

Current husband is not content with that. He moves everything! Not just the rearview and side mirrors, the seat is moved and tilted back. He adjusts the steering wheel, moves my arm rest, and changes my radio station! Because that is not enough aggrevation, he also moves my stuff. By stuff I mean my laptop bag, my coffee carrier, sunglasses etc. I keep my stuff organized in such a way that I can grab it driving 85 while reading my messages without taking my eyes off the road and my phone.

Doesn't he know he is going to cause me to have an accident! Does he care? No! He thinks I should be keeping my eyes on the road to look out for cows. It was only one cow, one time! No, I didn't hit a cow, or any other animal, but I did have to avoid a cow in the road once. You learn to expect things like this when you live in a cornfield.

To add insult to injury he left the van on E. It is 10 miles to the nearest gas station and after I pull out of my driveway the gas light came on. Really!? He must have past 15 gas stations on his way home, but does he stop at one? No! Instead I drive to the gas station hoping I don't run out of gas and end up stranded on a country road with only cows and chickens to keep me company.

Why? Because Boys Are Dumb! My now 5 year old daughter once said this a few year ago and my sister and I latched onto it and use it for anything boy related. My hubby accepts this as his fate in life and doesn't fight it too much around my daughter. He is happy that she thinks boys are dumb. He would like to encourage her to think this way until she is at least 30 and out of his house.

We'll see how well that works out for him. After all she is my daughter so, God help the boys.

More Bitching About Work; But Help Needed

2009-11-06T07:44:00.001-06:00

I swear my boss is unmedicated bipolar. I can't think of another way to understand or explain her behavior. Everyone in the department has come to understand she has her moods.

One day she will love you and be your best friend, the next it feels like if you ask her about how the traffic was the night before because we stayed very late you are bothering her.

One day she will micro manage to the Nth degree, and want to be consulted on everything, and others, well you know your job so just do it.

Her idea for the direction of the department and expectations of us also change daily.
Monday night she told me that another associate would start taking responsibility for training the temps we are bringing in because I have too much on my plate to and she wants to train me on other things. I celebrated! Its not that I mind trainging, but I do have other things to do.

Tuesday morning with no explaination she tells me that starting Wednesday I would be training the new temp we interviewed and three people from another department that will be helping us get caught up. WTF?

I understand she is under a lot of pressure, and losing Debbie was a huge blow to her both professionally and personally.

Debbie was the one person pretty current on all things system related. I have found a lot of things that I shared with Debbie and the department to make the departments daily jobs easier. Sandie was too busy to learn and that is what she had Debbie for.

Sandie and I both tested everything on the system before the conversion and haven't done half of the things again since the conversion. Like it happens with every system converstion, things have changed. Since Debbie passed, she needs to know these things and has said as much.

We are being audited full scale for the first time on the new system. She needs to know the ins and outs of getting the information since I am busy training and can't devote my time and attention to this as I normally would. During the quarterly audits I drop everything and work exclusively with the auditors. Because I am training I can't this time and she has assumed this responsibility.

Since I am the one that wrote the manuals for all our jobs, I understand I am a logical choice to do the trainging for the new temps. I also understand that I am a logical choice to train as her back up since Debbie is gone. But I can't do both at the same time!

Knowing these things weigh heavy on her, knowing our schedules, and that we both normally eat lunch at our desks, I suggested we do a couple working lunches to share and pool our knoweledge. You would think I asked for her first born. Although, she would probably give him and his bills willingly.

How can the department function like this? Not well I can tell you. The associates don't know which way to turn because it changes from moment to moment. So they turn to me. I don't have as much time as I would like to help them within the confines of my job and It also puts me in the uncomfortable position between her and the department. Which I don't want and isn't helpful or healthy for any of us.

How do I address this with her when she reacts so badly to a friendly invitation to a working lunch? I hold her in very high regard and like her both professionally and personally, but something has got to give!

Any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated. It feels like the department is coming apart at the seams and I am out of ways to patch the holes.

Stalking Is So Much More Satisfying

2009-11-04T07:48:00.001-06:00

I am a bad blogger. I think that is obvious by the few posts that I have managed to put here. I don't post and when I do they are ramblings boring posts mostly about work.

I have come to accept this as my fate. It isn't that I don't want to post or have no ideas about what to post, I can just never manage to actually post them. My draft folder is full of half written posts that never get finished and posted.

I added another one to my draft folder last night. I decided to take a break to gather my thoughts so my post would less like incoherent ramblings and more like a post I think someone would want to read. So I decided to stalk my favorite blogs and found this! (A link to Booshy's blog will be inserted here)

I had to stop the post I was writing and contemplate this one instead.

This post is diected at all of you bloggers that think everyone should be involved in their blogs. I am talking to you Booshy, and Sassy Britches, and Finding Fairy Tales. (links will be put up when I have two seconds uninterrupted on a regular computer)

They come up with these ideas (ok really great ideas) to get everyone to play along. I give you Buff-Tober, Things I Want Thursdays, Radomn Thought Tuesday as a few examples.

I mean what the hell?! Do you really think we want to be a part of your little blog community? Do you think we read your blogs to feel a little less crazy and a little more connected?

Ok so we totally do, but not all of us have the time or self dicipline to do these things on a regular basis.

So instead of devoting my hour and a half drive to work to getting out of my head for a while and stalking other blogs, I end up typing away with one thumb on my blackberry. Writing rambling posts that I never finish, and because I suck and don't have time, never finish and post later.

Ok the never finishing later part is because I haven't taken the time to truely set up my Blackberry (as in connect it to a real computy and learn more then the basics about it even though I got it in February). So even though I can view my draft folder, when I try to edit a post the damn thing never works.
So for all of you whose blogs I stalk and occasionally reply to, stop it! Stop being so damn awesome and coming up with these great ideas to get everyone involved. Don't you know that every time you do these things you make us stalkers\lurkers feel inferior and we don't want to comment because you would then have a link to our pathetic little blogs and would know how much we suck? So again, I say stop it! I don't have time to be as awesome as you!

Hugs and kisses,
Your Number One Stalker

Raw Grief

2009-10-23T20:28:00.003-05:00

I lost my supervisor today. She passed away unexpectedly last night. They believe she went peacefully in her sleep.

Deb was more then just my supervisor. She was my friend and unofficial mentor. She was the person I always saw myself becoming when I got to her age.

She was brash, laughed and talked too loud, she lived for her daughter and granddaughter. She was more at home with technology then people, but if you became her friend she was generous to a fault.

My manager Sandie is the one who discovered something was wrong. She picks Deb up for work every morning, but Deb wasn't waiting for her in the parking lot as she always is. She didn't answer the door or phone either.

Sandie went to work hoping that Deb left her a voicemail or e-mail. She didn't. Sandie knew something was wrong. She called the police who drove over to Deb's house, but because she didn't answer the door and they didn't see anything wrong they couldn't do anything.

Sandie finally tracked down Becca, Deb's daughter. Sandie got approval from the Powers That Be to leave and pick Becca up from work so they could get into Deb's house. They discovered her in her bed.

Sandie call the Powers That Be who alerted HR. They called us all together and gave us the news. Deb who was larger then life, who didn't know how to do things in half measures, was gone.

Sandie needed to stay with Becca to help her cope and answer questions for the police.

My coping mechanism is to stay busy. I knew I would break down when I stopped running and didn't want that to be until I got home.

Without my manager and Deb someone needed to guide and coordinate the department. A few of my people were really close to Deb and were having a hard time. They dealt with their grief as much as they could for the little time that has passed in a way I wasn't allowing myself to.

HR called in a grief counselor for anyone who wanted or needed to talk.

I didn't! I was up to my neck in denial and was very happy in my river.

They made us go in groups to sit with the grief counselor to talk a little bit about what we are going through. I didn't want to talk about it! I wanted out of the room! Let me wallow in my river! Let me deal with my grief my own way!

There will be plenty of time to talk about it as a group when I am not feeling so raw.

When I turn the corner expecting to see her. Monday when I get a coffee for her out of habit. Or when I sing a song from a cartoon without realizing it and she doesn't start singing with me since she knows all of them from watching with her grand daughter. Then I will need the hugs. The pat on the shoulder, or how are you doings.

Right now, I want my river back!

She was such a core part of the department that I am sure the true impact of her passing won't be felt for a long time. It is just going to creep up on us. We are going to have a problem and she won't be there to answer our questions. Things that we took for granted in the past because she always did them, will suddenly not be done. There will be no one calling over the wall for us to get our butts in gear. Encouraging us. Guiding us.

She will be missed for those reasons and so many more. Mostly she will be missed because who she was and who she helped us become.

Line up the martinis

2009-10-19T21:23:00.001-05:00

I have reached the eighth level of hell.

Didn't know there was eight levels? Either did I.

My department post system conversion has taken hell to a level. This is past the you have to laugh so you don't cry level. We (or at least I) reached that level getting to the conversion when we were working seventy hour weeks creating the new system and getting it ready.

Very few people have gotten comfortable with the new system which we have been on for almost three months.

We have weekly refresher trainging because I really don't expect people to remember everything. EVEN THOUGH IT IS IN THE MANUAL I CREATED FOR THAT REASON. Maybe I am just expecting too much.

We have quite a few people who have been with the company for longer then they should be. We haven't been able to suggest they might be happier at a less demanding job (greeting people or asking if they want fries or maybe just retiring like they should) because HR won't let us.

We saw the conversion as a good (acceptable to HR) way to do that since if they can't do the job on the system we've had for twenty years they won't be able to on the new system either.

Guess what? We were right.

We have yet to reach even close to the production level we had preconversion and taking time for the weekly training isn't helping. We have had a backlog of two weeks of work since the conversion.

We've tried to bring in temps to help us get caught up. I had to let the temp I was training for the last three days go because she wasn't getting it.

What is so hard about matching the numbers on one screen to the numbers on another screen? My nearly five year old could do this!

And why is it so hard to get the temp agency to understand we mean cash application. Not credit and collections, not balancing the GL, not customer service. Just matching one set of numbers to the other and hitting save!

Ok it is a little more then that, but I would settle for that at this point!

So since it has been three months, the CEO must go before the board to try to find a way to explain this. He also gets to explain that the ONE temp I was able to train (and dreamed of making permanent) gave her notice effective the end of this week for a permanent position elsewhere.

Ten minutes before that news broke, the person we brought in to replace me (so I could be promoted and find this new level of hell, because everyone else needs to be fired) gave her notice effective the end of the month.

She wants to work closer to home and have a baby. The bitch! I mean she only drives 45 minutes the hell is that!

So now instead of letting go of the people who need (and deserve) to be cut; we are losing the people who are carrying the department while I train temp after useless temp instead of doing the job I should and want to be doing.

Can you smell the justification in the air?

2009-10-16T18:38:00.001-05:00

Disclaimer:
I am writing this as I drive home. So it may leave a little something to be desired and fraught with garbage as my phone attempts to understand my quick key taps.

I have been buffing it up as much as my very limited schedule will allow.

My buffness yesterday was as follows.

Breakfast:
1 piece wheat toast and 1 scoop of scrambled eggs with sausage.

Lunch was a 4 inch turkey sandwich with cheese from subway. 1 bottle of water (24 oz)

No snack since I am training a new temp.

Dinner:
1 small slice of cheese pizza and small fruit salad. I am not a rabbit; if I eat salad it is fruit. Bonus is that it doubles as my dessert.

Buffness:
Took the stairs (in my 3 inch heels) up and down the 4 flights when going in and out all day. Also chased my kids around the house playing tickle monster. We also played horsey for a while and they 'flew' on my legs. Flying consists of me lying on my back basically doing crunches with my legs parrallel to the ground (for my son) while they sit on my legs or feet. They go back and forth while I extended my legs out in relaxation or scrunch them in during the crunch. My daughter at 40 lbs likes to sit on my feet, so this means my legs are straight up in the air while she sits at the top. With her, the extension is from where her feet are almost on the ground in relaxation to her feet touching the ground above my head.

I don't have a gym in my town (cause I live in a corn field county) and since my time is very limited (leave for work at dark and get home when it is dark) so I must make due.

Can you tell I have gym envy? Cause I totally do!

Todays breakfast was oatmeal bar and lunch was 1 piece grilled chicken and fruit salad. No snack since training until the end of time now. Dinner will be spaghetti that I didn't make Wednesday. Buffness at work was the stairs all day and probably dance and play time with the kids tonight.

I am going to my sisters baby shower tomorrow and try to restain myself from diving face first into the cake!

Just about home now so thee is no time to respond to the very nice comment Angelia left on Wednesday or stalk others blogs so I hope your happy now. :)

Buff-Tober Update Oct 14

2009-10-14T12:45:00.001-05:00

What is Buff tober? Go here to read about what I am doing and here to read Booshy's Buff-Tober; the orginal Buff-Tober. At Booshy's you will also be able to link to the others that took the Buff-Tober challenge.

On my To-Do-List is moving my page around so my Buff-Tober post explaining what I am doing will be on top, but that is for the weekend.

This is a mini update for today and will be updated later or completed tomorrow.

Breakfast was good. While I was waiting an hour and half for my sons perscription to be ready I went shopping. I bought some oatmeal and Oatmeal To Go bars for the days I don't have time to sit down for a real breakfast. Since today was my first day back to work since last Thursday (yesterday is a story for another day) today was a day I didn't have time. So being a good monkey I ate an oatmeal bar.

Lunch is a grilled chicken breast with herb and butter rice.

As an afternoon snack because I always get hungry about 3:00 I bought more applesauce cups.

I will update about dinner (planning spaghetti) and my actual buff-ness later tonight or tomorrow.

On a side note: I wanted to share with you my inspiration/mascot for Buff-Tober.

One of my favorite websites to buy stuff I don't need is Woot. On their shirt site last Monday they had this shirt.

The title of the shirt is Exercising Demons. I need to make sure I mention the creator of this awesome shirt is Graye Smith because a creator of a t-shirt this awesome deserves all the credit he can get! It just seem to epitomize everything that Buff-Tober is for me so I took down my kids picture and instead plastered this on my desktop as a gentle reminder to get buff.

Anyway, hope you are having a good buffness day. :)

Sick Days Are Over Rated

2009-10-12T12:45:00.001-05:00

I am a bad mommy. Today was supposed to be a fun day with the kids. I planned to take them to the apple orchard today where they could ride the ponies, pick their own apples, and just enjoy the day outside with mommy.

That is not how we are spending the day though. We are stuck in the sick house where we are driving each other crazy or I should say they are driving me crazy.

People think I am crazy for driving 70 miles to go to work; but this drive is what recharges me. This drive is an hour and half and blissful personal time and space.

When home I am beset on all sides with two kids who missed mommy so much that they must now use her as a jungle gym. A husband who wants to know when I am going to away the millions of loads of laundry he washed, what's for dinner, and by the way, you are going to give the kids a bath tonight right?

Of course we can't forget the cat who thinks she needs fresh water and food everyday. I mean really? How many unreasonable demands can one person deal with?

After four days of being home with these ungrateful and demanding heathens

I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK!

I want to go back to the place where I am constantly asked stupid questions by people who must think that my chair has springs in it. They only ask their question as my butt is about to make contact with my chair, forcing me to jump back up.

This place is not filled with crying, whining people who depend on me for their every thought. Wait, it is, but at least I am not responsible for changing their diapers or wiping their noses and that is something at least. And crazy enough, the people at work let me go to the bathroom all by myself!

The desire was also brought home to me by stepping on the scale. With Jessica's comment about being sick being a good way to lose weight ringing in my head; I put on my big girl panties and stepped on the scale.

The scale returned 125. This may not seem like a high number, but is 15 lbs above my preferred weight. A weight I haven't seen since before I was pregnant with my first kid. A weight and size I am desperate to return to.

So after four days of no sleep, cleaning up after kids again and again. And yes, putting away the millions of loads of laundry I am looking forward to returning to work tomorrow with a renewed vigor for Buff-Tober. I am renewing my promise to get buff so ladies watch out!

Buff-tober Oct 7th

2009-10-07T19:54:00.001-05:00

How did I do today? Meh. I do feel good about my choices though.

I had a training for my department today, so again I didn't go get breakfast. I did remember to bring in some Life cereal though, so I had a handful before the training. During the training we had our quarterly fire drill so down four flights of stairs I went. Knowing I would have to report back on my buffness; I opted to walk back up the four flights of stairs. Did I mention I was in three inch heels, that gets extra points right? :)

I am starting to get a cold, so I have been sneezing and my throat is raw. With that (and my accountablity) I confined myself to my two large cups of coffee this morning, and drank a bottle of water by lunch.I forgot to bring my lunch today so I went to Boston Market. I had the turkey (no gravy), corn, and Mac and cheese. Another bottle of water to finish off the workday.

Afternoon snack instead of cheesecake, I had an applesauce cup.
I asked hubby to stop at the store for dinner tonight. Knowing my throat hurt he called me from the store and asked me what type of ice cream I wanted. I made the right choice and said none! [Mental note to self: do not send hubby to store for dinner!] he brought home chicken nugget TV dinners! Really? Are we in college? So dinner is a bust.

I did take the kids for a walk to the park though. It is half a mile away so that's a mile walk for me! Since we had the park to ourselves I also was reminded of the reason people have kids.

They get to go to the park and play and not get THE LOOK.

The look that says you are a weirdo, and don't even think about stealing their kid!

Overall I made good choices, drank lots of water, but didn't eat very well.

Oh well, that is what tomorrow is for.

Buff-Tober - October 6th

2009-10-07T08:43:00.000-05:00

Time for my first official update on Buff-Tober:

I think I had a great day, but I will let my fellow Buff-Tobers be the judge.

It started with me not eating breakfast. How is this good you ask? Well I normally buy my breakfast in cafe at work, but today I was training so when my partner in crime asked if I was going I said no. Thinking she was being a good friend she bought me a sweetroll. I resisted it's lure all day and did not eat it!
For lunch I had a steak taco and a little bit of red rice because who can resist red rice?
I left work at my scheduled time for a change and got home just as the sun was setting. We had leftover chicken fajitas for dinner, and I did not drowned it in sour cream! Instead of my normal coffee, I had a bottle of berry flavored water which I wouldn't recommend. Normal unflavored water for me from here on out.
Since it was still early I put away 3 loads of laundry, and danced with my daughter for about 30 min. After I collapsed on the floor the kids used my legs to play horsey and to fly. Since that didn't tire them out enough and I wasn't dying, we tickled, played and used mommy as an all around jungle gym for a while.

We are now leaving stalkerdom; Welcome to Buff-Tober

2009-10-06T21:41:00.003-05:00

I have been stalking Booshy's blog for a while now. It has worked out well; she would write crazy random stuff that would make me laugh until I cried, and she didn't know or have to be subjected to my kind of crazy. That is until she upped the ante and came up with the awesomeness that is Buff-Tober. I have reluctantly left stalkerdom and joined the Buff-Tober challenge because playing in my head isn't doing it. Besides, Booshy and the others that have taken the challenge are having such a great time, I had to join!

What is Buff-Tober? Head over to her Buff-Tober page to witness (and participate) in the greatness, or just to keep count of how many days I receive the How-Not-To-Be-Buff award. :)

My Buff-Tober goals:

Get out of my office, car, and house more. Barring that, at least putting down my book or phone and GETTING MY EVER WIDING BUTT MOVING!
Also topping the list is drinking more water. I refuse to give up my coffee because I couldn't function without it; but I can force myself to drink a little more water on a daily basis.
The third item is staying away from junk, and by junk I mean baked goods. I keep a bowl of candy on my desk that draws people from every department and floor of my company, but I am not tempted in the least. Show me a cake, muffin, or sweetroll in all of its cinnamon baked goodness and watch your fingers because I bite!

Losing weight, getting buff, or FITTING INTO MY CLOTHES would also be a great bonus.

Now that you have read my version, I know you are going to want to join to show off how much better you can do it. The rules are simple and as follows:

Give her the credit for Buff-tober
Start your own buff-tober page to keep track of your buffness
Check in with Booshy’s buff-tober page for updates and the fun wise cracks I've grown to love and drew me out of stalkerdom.

Special thanks to Kid Icarus who I stole (Um, I mean used for inspiration) the rules from.

Declaring war and other delusions of grandeur

2009-10-06T08:40:00.003-05:00

Note: This post should have been uploaded on Saturday, but due to my craziness, it did not upload properly.

We have a room in our house that should be a formal living room. In my dreams this will be a room free of TV and toys, containing bookcases, groups of comfy chairs and low tables so when entertaining it will be a room where holding a conversation is possible. In my favorite delusion it is a quiet place to relax curled up with a book or to write. I guess a few puzzles or games can be occasionally invited in, but only if they are on their best behavior.

Those times are light years away so I spent half my day waging war on the toy room. The months of my inattentiveness when work has eaten my soul have taken their toll.

A few happy meal toys made their way into the room. As many parents know when two or more of these toys mingle for an extended period of time they tend to reproduce at a rate that would shame the most fertile rabbit.

My hope was to get all the toys out, sorted, and the carpets steam cleaned before the day was over. This was a serious undertaking because to fend off all the tantrums that I knew would inevitably take place; I did not explain to the kids what each pile was. When they weren't dragging the toys back into the toy room, they were rearranging the piles of toys.

Had the kids known what the piles were; toys such as the alphabet train Buckaroo got for Christmas that is still in its bubble wrap or the Barbie who was given a bath in a sink of chocolate milk would have suddenly become the most precious toys they own.

Even though I failed to get the carpet steam cleaned today, only half of the toys will be making the return trip after. The other half are awaiting their fate of going to the curb on garbage day or the garage sale I keep saying I will have one day. All things told, I feel like it was a successful day.

Mommy Guilt

2009-09-25T16:58:00.000-05:00

I actually left work on time today! It is such a freak occurrence that I feel like I am getting away with something. What prompted this you ask? I am tired of the mommy guilt.
I took Buckaroo to the doctor on Tuesday for his 3 year check up which was two months late. I had to fight to get the time off work; which I will write about when I am not so damn pissed off!
I dropped Angel Cakes at Daycare like normal which led Buckaroo to think that he got a pass on Daycare for the day. Let the guilt begin as I try to explain that 'No, you don't get to stay home with Mommy after the doctor. You have to go to Daycare after the doctors so Mommy can work'.
Buckaroo did great with the doctor though. He is healthy and growing and gaining weight despite eating next to nothing on a daily basis. He took his flu shot without a sound! The doctor decided to do a blood test to check for bee allergies which required them to take a full vial of blood from his arm. Buckaroo was not happy! It is really hard to hold your child while they poke him with a needle that seemed almost as big as he is. Add that to the mommy guilt!
We drove through McDonald's for breakfast and of course it is one with a play land! 'No Honey, we can't go play. Mommy has to go to work' We got to Daycare and he cried! He was all out sobbing as I handed him to the daycare lady and left. Mommy guilt!
Wednesday night I got home at 8 PM and the kids were already fed; I got to be the good mom for a change and give them dessert! There was no fighting as we got ready for bed, they took turns reading their favorite counting story. Right after the book they laid right down for story time where I babble on about whatever adventure pops into my head for a little boy and girl. They were both asleep by 10 PM which is almost unheard of in my house. I was asleep by 10:30 and got to sleep in until 5:30 the next day since I had time to get the backpacks prepared the night before. (Another unheard of occurrence in my house.)
The next day as I was recounting what a wonderful night I had, I remembered a time back before my work took over my life and this was the norm. The norm was not fighting with my husband about how long I am gone from the house. The kids understood that we ate at the table all together, and eating in the living room only happened when we were having a picnic on rainy days. They put their toys away because the house was clean and they liked it to stay that way. They didn't have to cling to mommy when she was trying to make dinner because they knew that I as soon as I could I would take them on my lap and snuggle them until they were all done and ran off to play.The normal was not going to bed wishing that I had time to read to them before we all fell asleep on the couch watching TV. I didn't go to bed thinking 'Tomorrow I am going to be a better mommy. Tomorrow I will take the time to listen, play a game with them, and not feel like I spent the entire time I was with them yelling at them for one thing or the other.'
In that moment I decided to let go of the mommy guilt and get back to being their mommy.I know that every day is not going to be perfect, but I can at least enjoy them while they are still young enough that they have no choice about spending time with me instead of letting myself be consumed by the mommy guilt.

Week Of Stupid

2009-09-19T15:15:00.000-05:00

This has been a week of stupid. It started with very few hours of sleep after spending all day Sunday taking the kids to see their first Cubs game at Wrigley. That was an experience. One I will not be reliving soon. After I drop the kids off at daycare at O' Dark Early I drive as fast as the county police will let me to get my first cup of nectar from the gods. One of the gas stations I pass on my way to the expressway sells great coffee. Yes, it is gas station coffee; but they use only Kona beans. And well, I live in the middle of a corn field so what can I expect. It is either gas station coffee or Starbucks which I refuse to think of as real coffee.

Wednesday morning I was so tired from having an up and down night with the kids that I drove right past the gas station and was almost 2 miles down the road before I realized it. Since I was at the ramp that would take me to my second private hell I thought really hard about just getting coffee at the Dunkin Doughnuts that is right off the expressway by work. It meant I would have to wait another hour before I could have a sip of my life's blood though. While waiting for the light to change I looked down and saw I wouldn't have enough gas to get to work and I was already running late so stopping twice was out of the question. I backtracked to my gas station, filled up the van and got the copious amounts of coffee that it takes to keep me and two of my co-workers from killing each other and went on to work. The next morning at the said gas station again getting coffee, the lady who is responsible for keeping me in coffee tells me that she forgot to charge me for the gas yesterday when she rang up my coffee. I looked at her blankly for a moment and said okay I will pay today. This is a situation that makes me glad I go to the same gas station everyday; it really would have upset me to find out that my friends at the county police station were looking for me because I had driven away without paying for the gas.

Last month at work we installed a new software to bring my department out of the dark ages and it was my job to train everyone. This required me to work an average of 50 hours a week since the beginning of the year and not take any vacation time. This week everyone in the department seems to have forgotten everything they learned and just kept asking the same stupid questions over and over again. Not just about the new system, but also about how to do their jobs. Like they haven't been working for the company 10 years or so longer then I have.

The stupidness of this week reached new heights on Friday though. Both of my children were awake when I put them in the car to take them to daycare so I was running late. Again. While putting Angel Cake's seatbelt on I mentioned that it was their last day at daycare since this is how they catagorize the days of the week. There are daycare days and family days. After my exclamation, Angel Cakes looked up at me and said, 'Is that a good thing?' My heart broke a little since I knew I would once again be working this Saturday to do the work I neglected all week because I had to hold my co-works hands.

Right after we started on the new system we realized that about 100 of our customers were converted incorrectly. It is an internal problem that would take almost as many man hours to fix. Since it is transparent to the customer we opted for an ongoing work around solution that we found instead. At about 10:30 my supervisor who helped design the new system had the brain fart of all brain farts. One of my coworkers had a question about one of the customers affected by the problem and she flipped! I can't attest to what she thought was going on with the customer, but she swore that the problem was a new problem she knew nothing about and we would have to put in all the man hours to fix it because the customers are seeing the incorrect information. She immediately starts e-mailing everyone up and down the company ladder about the problem.

No matter how many times both IT and I tried to explain that this was the same problem, the customers are not aware, and that it was okay, she refused to listen. It got to the point I was jumping up and down in the aisle between our desks, because that was going to make her see reason right? I was just at that point. We were arguing so much we scared a couple of our co-workers who promptly left the department. Almost two hours later she finally looks at me and asks, 'Am I being stupid?' I just looked at her for a minute and nearly shouted 'Yes' in relief. Her crazy moment was over and it was time for lunch.

The Parent Voice

2009-09-16T22:22:00.005-05:00

I really need to find the Parent Voice. You know the voice I am talking about; that stop you dead in your tracks voice. My Dad has that voice. Once when I stayed with my dad for a few days while visiting his side of the family it didn't matter that I was in my 20's, he lived half a continent away for most of my life, and we only saw him every few years, he spoke to a friend's child in that voice and I snapped to attention and felt guilty even though I was just drinking coffee.

I don't have that voice. I say my kids names in what I think is the Parent Voice because they are doing something wrong and not listening when I ask them to stop and they look at me like "Yeah? And?" I wish I knew where to get that voice, it might make my kids pay attention for a second anyway.

Although; the Parent Voice would probably have to fight for space with all the other voices in my head; but maybe because it is the Parent Voice it can just give The Look and make the other voices stop and pay attention. Yeah; I really need a Parent Voice.